Month: August 2021

Glancing into the mirror, self criticism derides me. Was I a fool to be honest? To not “play it cool,” and to let him see the wilder side of me?

I didn’t really think that I had a chance with him, but if I had said little, I felt he could have offhandedly categorized me.

And, I’d felt the chance to bridge with him was just too important to let other forces handle incorrectly.

So, that meant my fumbling was, in the end, the best way to show authenticity.

I would have liked it if it had mattered to him – that I sacrificed my play, yielding to him every advantage.

Selling an item on Facebook is overwhelming as I receive pings of interest and follow lines of inquiry.

The multidirectional tracking bombards my senses to where I’ve had to stop responding, and set for myself clear guidelines.

I’ve focused on two people who have been direct and positively engaging, without running me in circles.

In seeking to promote a solid transaction, I need the buyer to be capable of collaborating so we are each benefitting.

i had not realized this would be necessary, but having decided on this course of action, good guidelines helps me also have good boundaries.

Immortality is finding one’s inner congruency and tapping into the body’s innate knowledge of healing.

It’s when very sick (likely with COVID) for a month straight, battling back the symptoms with vitamins, herbs, and rest – while the powerful virus vies to convince me it will kill me.

It’s facing that terror, looking it straight in the face, and holding on with sheer determination, refusing to surrender to data stacked into “inevitabiliy.”

It’s choosing to sync with symbolism and metaphor more directly aligned with one’s philosophy, when reality refuses nourishment and clemency.

Like reaching to meld through transition like a phoenix, as my soul bursts into painful flame to burn off past damage – and then from the ashes of my former self, I’m consciously reborn.

It’s in clinging to the concept of a woman who phases into a dragon, where man once sought to distort my power. Now as a shifter into the ethereal, I’ll never be chained in my heart’s dungeon again.

Someday, we might tap into our cells being able to constantly rejuvenate. But until then, immortality is a state where I heal while I hibernate.

When I emerge again into the sun, and darkness is cast away from me, I will know my life is won, and I am free to be more who I want to be.

I was isolated for much of my childhood. Four walls and silence were often a constant. A few toys, some worn out books. Encyclopedias stopped coming.

I was exposed to many thematics, however – a bit like Daunte’s Inferno in witnessing the choices others made as I was dragged through scenarios.

I was meant to be the mute observor, and if I so much as batted an eye at something, there was retributive punishment.

Over time, I learned to move with the stiffness of mind and body. I learned to meld my functioning better with my emotions.

I thought that the goal in life – at least from my perspective – was to find unity and harmony in one’s emotional self expression.

I was surprised to find that others in life vociferously disagreed with me. The answer seemed so simple, if I could just embody it.

We do not really understand the nature of trauma and how it affects a person. We take for granted that what we see on the surface is a person’s innate personality.

What if I told you that for my entire life I have been hiding, and only now am beginning to understand enough to figure out how to emerge myself?

What if I were to tell you that inside I am still that same child, looking for a way and the chance to come out into the world, and play with you?

Am I an ascetic?

It seems I am living my life this way. My clothing is minimal and based upon comfort’s functionality. I consistently am thrust back into lack of income’s poverty.

I’d like to think I’m incorruptible, but if you knew what I’ve undergone in trials I cannot speak of here, you’d be amazed at my lock-down self discipline.

I could be a junkie on the street, a whore for hire, a slave to my own needs and others’ debasities.

I am imperfect, and I have my own rational and irrational needs.

However, where I do have power, I try to use it wisely. I know my actions affect others, even if others do not see me clearly nor value me.

If I could figure out a way to live a life of luxury that did not harm others to get there – sign me up, gladly!

I would enjoy learning how to mix and match clothing to pull off unique composure, getting lost in the details of textures and beauty. I love to fly and travel – a yacht trip could “tide me over” nicely (reference to quote from A&E’s Pride And Prejudice)!

But, without the right people who think clearly and more productively as I do, without the right thematic that wants to help promote others’ well being, too, it would all mean nothing to me but another example of what artifice ascribes to.

I do not seek the life of an ascetic because I want to. I just have no other choice for now, if I hold to my ideals.

An ambivert is a person who exhibits both introvert and extrovert tendencies. A simple explanation, yet the result is more complex.

For me, you would not easily guess I have extroversion capabilities in most of my external day-to-day activities.

I keep to myself, except when briefly interacting with others out of necessity. In those moments of rarity, suddenly light and joy – some spark of positivity flares from me to hopefully brighten another person’s day with empathy and brief cajolery.

It is with my youngest that my flares for the extravagant burst out more frequently, daring as they cast off restraints, for my youngest does their best to not judge me, and seeks as I do what fun can be made by creative enlivenment.

Posting here in my Corvid blog is another way for me to display external expression, though I’m finding what wishes to be heard are deeper moral belief systems.

It’s a thematic in sci-fi movies that latent talents emerge when there is need of them. And to anyone paying attention, it is clear that our world needs guidance back to paths of beneficial coexistence.

I do not write to preach, but to assert lessons I’ve learned in my experiences. What is good for the whole should be good for the one, and in our daily decisions, good for the one must consider those it’s affecting.

When conflict is positive, it can result in growth. It arises out of basic disagreement. But, when involving struggle over control and power, it is not always moderated well, and can result in violence.

I do not like conflict, as it agitates my system on a cellular level, causing alarm signals in the forms of anxiety and adrenaline. I much prefer discussion and even debate, but conflict to me usually means someone is wielding some kind of emotional, psychological, or physical damage, without regard to whom they’re affecting.

I have not come across many people who deal with conflict appropriately. In fact, I have found that most people engaging in it revert back to playground behaviors invested in the ego’s struggle to assert itself on the world – to be validated, forcefully.

Therefore, I avoid conflict whenever possible. If I think deeply on any given matter, I usually do not need to assert myself. I can find more peaceful ways to continue my journeying.

For most of my adult life, I’ve chosen to be self employed to ensure I could manage conflict well and not become a victim or puppet to other people’s machinations. It has served me well as a life philosophy to always maneuver around conflict, and only seek investing in positivity.

I have been surprised as I take stints of working in employment that office atmospheres have not progressed much over the last thirty years. There’s still rife conflict permitted – in staff back-biting and employer top-down resentments.

As I bypass conflict, the squabblers remain rooted where they have invested in their grievances. They are not willing to progress beyond dysfunctional behaviors and regressive thought patterns.

As I leave their realms of inequity, I quest for new environments where mature and advanced innovators ascribe to collaborative teamwork ideals and “paying it forward” philosophies.

Surely, these can not still be such novel concepts!

As an awakening visionary (of which there are plenty of us, I assure you – I need no claim to fame), I struggle with the concept of responsibility, and what part of it is my own to name.

Examples in forefront of my mind are in some personal experiences where I’ve loved a man.

The first one, I had a vision while he was having an accident. The second became ill after his beloved left him. The third wasted away while waiting for our union. The fourth had an injury while we’d just connected.

When the fourth happened, I hastily withdrew intentions, as by this point, I got spooked by experiencing what seemed to be some reoccurrent pattern.

If I was the constant variable linking to these people, did I somehow influence their demises? Or was I just there by uncanny timing, available to help when they found themselves compromised?

I haven’t received much positive reassurance, for in the end, each person moved onward. So, it’s difficult to know if my presence in their lives helped their recovery.

As a healer, my policy is “Do no harm.” Yet, perhaps these events were of their own making?

And I, as their witness left as bystander, am merely confused by the ending.

I learned to be an accomodator. This is not a bad thing, at all, especially if you are meant to be a healer.

But, if this is a constant, subconscious default as automatic response of offering underbelly, at best, you are disregarded as an equal; at worst, you are seen as prey.

So, I learned to play possum, recognizing I must modify, but realizing also that I could not defend myself if seen as a threat by predators.

I developed kindness and generosity so I would affect only good will and beneficience upon others.

But, brutality snarls at that which it is not brave enough to evolve to. Subsequently, I have still remained its target.

The best method of survival I’ve found as a committed non-violent is outmaneuvering. I’ve had so much bad happen to me, I can often see the patterns that’ll lead to a next event coming.

My time investing in the last job I held was a test on working such theories: the man on his surface was nice and easy-going, but had vicious flares of narcisitic lashings.

I held firm in a hostile environment, which on surface seemed warm and welcoming. When the end came, I should not have been surprised – but, his timing and follow through were perfect for a man with repressed rage: he destroyed, and then obliterated me.

I’d held long enough to relearn and expand upon my prior education and training. I got my “street cred” back – and my licensing.

But, having encountered such directed violence from one man living subconsciously, I have had reinforced the danger of trusting another with my well being, so completely.

This lesson was reinforced earlier, when my husband left me and our family.

This lesson was reinforced before this, when politicians and greed ruined our economy.

This lesson was reinforced before this, when society did not care for its displaced teenagers.

This message was reinforced before this, when abusers could infiltrate home premises.

This lesson was reinforced before this, when I was pulled too hard, backward as birthed from my mother.

The stage was set from the beginning: I would be thinking differently from others.

But, now as I’m half a century grown, I pivot – poised and ready – to open my arms wide and take command of such heresy.

I’ve lived long enough now that my words can hold their weight. It doesn’t matter if others agree with my oracular dictates.

Truth is truth and remains truth despite lies’ genuflections.

What matters now is what we do with Knowledge – and how we bring into reality our good intentions.