“I hopefully began watching a 15-minute home workout program – but then internally balked as the first moves were deep squats coming up with a high forward leg raise lifting.
Laughing weakly to myself, I joked out loud softly “Well that’s not hap-pen-ninggg…”
“It has become more difficult to ascertain what I can or ought to be doing to help improve my situation.”
“Sometimes I feel like there’s nothing that I can do anymore to make my life better…
In fact, it often feels like if I am not gripping while slipping, then I am definitely losing ground.”
“First time back in a raquetball court since before my accident – and it felt GREAT ripping myself apart as I chased that ball!”
(Gonna paayyy for it, thoouuggh)
She knew what she was doing and had identified the unscented lotion correctly to refill the unscented applicator.
But afterwards, she found that she had somehow, instead, refilled it with lavendar – which then initiated an internal panic chain reaction.
(Close-in object identification tracking going haywire)
“Why couldn’t I before have tried the key on the vehicle door to try to lock it?
Because I was already overloaded tracking other time paralleling tracks.”
“But I do not want to explain nor experience these added symptoms to my injuries list.”
“HEEEEEEEEEY!”
“In a game of ‘bumper cars.'”
“I’d like to think that someday I won’t be in so much pain…
They say that death guarantees that…
But then there’s incorporeal pain.”
“Must every effort require more to complete – with ever increasing pain intensity?”
“To begin rebuilding separation of issues in my body’s muscularity.”
“It sure feels like things will never get better.”
“Bit**.”
“I weigh 199 lbs.
That’s cortisol mixed into injuries for ya!”
When she looked at something directly, she could “see” in front and behind it – but it was like her brain turned off her eyes’ ability to see the object itself clearly.
“I just feel like a stack of wobbly bowling pins, trying to dodge that ball…”
“A piece of my occipital compression shift-released at last!”
“Nothing’s wrong, but synaptic impulses claim otherwise.”
After calling doctors for new symptom help:
“Now, back to my own physical therapy restabilizing exercises – because that’s the only thing that has ever really helped!”
“If back off, I can receive help and time for more needed recovery.
But if I don’t also push – and precisely at that – then I miss the basic sustenance marker, under which I could still qualify.”
“Pushing too hard.”
I keep going past limits.
I fake my ease…until I make it.”
“I had to shove aside the fears associated with suddenly not being able to grip or lift things properly.”
“I have 15 minutes to do too many things without tearing my tissues further.
It’s amazing how we can take for granted ease of movement when we naturally have tissue connectivity integrity.
I miss those days…
Correction: 10 minutes.”
“I am still hurt and my needed bits are not reconnected, so when pushed by timeliness and necessary labor, it’s my anger that brings strength to me by filling in the gaps and spaces with liquid rage.
And then when I can take a break for a moment, somewhere inside in the background, my subconscious is whimpering and crying hysterically while my ego screams ‘YAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH’ triumphantly for having achieved and beaten back disability.
In the late evenings and early mornings, I am not ok…
But I keep trying to be.”
(Title play with words)
“I used to have occasional cranky periods, but they would come and go like temporary storms looking forward to the sunlight, again.
Now, because I have to keep physically and mentally powering through everything while suporessing emotion with little rest and down time for recuperation, I carry a molten fire cloud around me emitting angry, vexed, and determined frustration
D9 NOT make eye contact with me during these times, because my eyes will shoot out laser beams and burn friendliness to cinders as I grit my teeth – more upset by the invasion of my privacy intrusion.
Yeah, I dare you.
(Honestly, I do try to be nice while growling and struggling – but still, don’t tempt me)
Until it’s time to perform healing therapies, where I must access the other, finer qualities of my personality for others’ benefit.
And then it’s right back into the pit fires of Hell for me.”
‘I’ve never heard of a car accident’s impact causing such injuries as I have experienced.”
Heaving and cussing, with the best of intentions.
“It was difficult being squeezed out and against the walls by others taking over the space in my own home, and scattered my sense of self and any functionality after prior car accident injuries were made worse by the shower slip’s concussive fall.”
“Repeating movements.”
“I am overcompensating for way too much.”
“Or strained brain injury?”
“It concerns me that my larger rings are tighter.”
“Tracking time, waiting for when help can come for final moving.”
“In coordination is getting better.”
“I am supposed to pack more, but I have always pushed myself several leveld beyond capacity.”
“I have two and a half hours to dig further in and produce categorized boxes despite brain and core injuries.
Did I mention that I first have to start with identifying clothes to wear and cleaning up a huge puddle of dog pee?
“Lifting the leftover metal twin frame and carry-angling it from another bedroom into my room to get my bed off of the floor.
The compression twisting and throbbing pain is deep and sharo in my lower spine, flaring to hips – but I couldn’t keep struggling to get up from the ground.”
“Maybe I’m not disabled…
Maybe I’m just physically fu**ed up.”
“Testing…
Trying to reclaim my body.”
“I spoke too soon…
Lol.
Maybe it’s that I’m also building some next stage tolerance endurance.
The damage has been so extensive on micro levels that reconnection has taken awhile!”
“2 1/2 years later, it isn’t hurting as badly immediately when I sit in a chair.”
“I am suppossd to find the right next home.
It took us four months living out of a motel, working multiple jobs at full health capacity, to find our safe haven last time.
Two weeks this time, on my own, and with exertion limits from multiple injuries. “
Lying back upon a stainless steel cylinder originally intended for use as a tall but lean coffee mug, I pressed its immovable form into grooves of my lower spine and ribs at different angles and leveraged the tension created in attempts to better understand the patterns of torsion twistimg created from the car accident’s impact.
At ‘ground zero’ where the car’s force first connected, if trigger point zones are pressed in certain ways my anterior hip attachments – and even the muscles along the insides of my arms – can be relaxed, moved into, and extend for a moment.
It’s like my whole body has been stuck in a retraction reaction pattern drawn inward to the core from longterm spiral compression.
“If I could put my body on a table and work on myself, I could unpack these injuries.
But nobody knows my techniques, so all I can do is fo my workouts innovatively.”
“It has very much sucked through the set backs preventing me from working.
I am fighting my way back into self reclamation, but at cost and more new patterns of numbness.”
Candid Corvid Productions 