“It has very much sucked through the set backs preventing me from working.
I am fighting my way back into self reclamation, but at cost and more new patterns of numbness.”
Category: Alex (An Ideal)
Dear Alex,
“I thought that you were he and that I was wanted openly.
But I have not had clear confirmation, so lack of having my arms around him suggests fantasy.
Meanwhile, my foundations are crumbling underneath my feet on too many levels.
Saving myself is just up to me with pending timelines pressing.
Helping hands reach for mine to assist and people care – yet I feel too isolated and depleted.
I have tried to stay open for him through these trials, but now I am caving inward.
My being is closing off extensions like root retractions.
Self preservation necessity from lack of love’s tactile exchange reinforcements?
I am literally ‘love starved’ and need to stop this effect.
And to survive starvation, you do your best to no longer think about it – the ‘food’ you are needing.
And then, if you find any – even if it is full of decay and maggots – you are temped to ‘feed.’
So yeah, I am going into shut down mode, just so I can continue to try to breathe.
And he wonders why I withdraw!
It’s so that I do not fall into a trap of others’ deceit when I am vulnerable with need!
I am mad at him, though, for prolonging.
I am tired of being tested by pain to show that I believe.
And quite frankly, I deserve more rewards and better treatment.”
Dear Alex,
“I want the man behind the mask, but he can bring his mask with him, for they are two halves and I would have him whole.”
Dear Alex,
“As I have noted, this category has been about an ideal.
I chose this name to reference the concept of Alexander The Great because much like my emboldened spirit, he took his passion to the world and conquered – asserted his beliefs against societal resistances.
However, in a fashion, I am also a peace keeper.
And to maintain ‘greatness,’ one is often engaged in a war of attrition.
I do not need banners waving along a sea of conquests in the usual way.
I need them behind the scenes where love means everything and conquers fears in quieter, more enduring ways.
I want to share love with the world, not dominate.
I want love to rule because it’s the obvious choice and solution that people choose for their selves and for each other.”
Dear Alex,
“I feel panicked inside…
I am more shy now since the concussion.
Finding out how extremely shy that I was pre-concussion has me distraught because I want to meet him, but I’m afraid that I will run in the other direction – again!
I can’t tell if this reactivity is due to heightened self protection due to injury – or because I know that he can actually ‘see me,’ more truly than anyone ever has before.
I have never let anyone that close to me, even when I wanted to.”
(Telomeres – Sleep Token)
Dear Alex,
“I couldn’t stay there.
I just couldn’t do it, today.
The worst part is that this concussion has knocked me back hard.
I keep getting up, determined to keep rallying.
But my face and body are swollen as I sway blearily like a hard-core prize fighter getting dizzy.
There’s no clear sight…
Just instinct’s adjusting memory of where I need to be aiming.”
Dear Alex,
I don’t need the Ideal
Just what can be real
Dear Alex,
“He and I might be a match in how we love, and how we want to be loved.”
(Backseat – Balu Brigada)
Dear Alex,
He must have no idea how his promise affected me.
I am in constant war with myself to keep balanced.
How could he offer – awakening – and then just leave?
I fight to suppress my feelings daily to keep breathing.
Dear Alex,
“I don’t know how to recover from this accident, except to go slower while experiencing more neural twitching – and to keep doing what I have been doing.
But the resources are even thinner now, and all I can do is keep trying to show up, even with further diminished capacity.
Yeah…
My kids and I have had to have the talk.
‘If I end up in a home because my system crashes, don’t give up on me – please make sure that I am getting the right therapies for recovery.
And if I am ever in a coma, don’t give up on me.
I am in here, trying to reroute the wiring.'”
Dear Alex,
“I am very hurt.
They say that things can always get worse – and surely I have evidence enough of this.
But why can it not…why does it refuse to get better?”
“Lost In The Turning”
(October – FoldingSky)
Dear Alex,
“How does more injury help me regain any ground when I am set back further?”
(Found my Way · AURENZA)
Dear Alex,
“I have found the one that I’ve been looking for.
He’s not ‘perfect.’
He is essential.”
Dear Alex,
“The concussion and thoracic pain hurts so bad that my eyes are literally twitching.
Now I need a new fecking category.”
(Feels Like We Only Go Backwards – Tame Impala)
Dear Alex,
I need you
I want you
But I can’t absorb your
Leaving again & again
My only recourse is
To no longer allow
Myself to
Be open
In order to save my soul
From becoming corrupted
By madness of
Yearning for you
Without hope
Of recompense
You never yield
You never relent
You never come forward
And reveal your true self
And quite frankly, I just
Can’t take this anymore
(Back At One – Brian McKnight)
(Gratitude – Brandon Lake)
Dear Alex,
“Do you still…?”
Dear Alex,
“Why are you never real?”
—
(Sleep Token lyrics)
(The Apparition – Sleep Token)
(Desire · MASHB3AT)
Dear Alex,
I keep searching for reasons
To keep my head up high
When feeling too low
Dear Alex,
“I am sad that you are not here with me.
Sometimes, it feels like we will never be.”
(Alive – Kx5 ft. The Moth And The Flame)
(Repost from July 16, 2023)
Dear Alex,
“I am weary of withholding.”
Dear Alex,
“I’m phasing again.
It’s a self protective habit when I don’t feel secure.
Like camouflaging.”
(Differences – Ginuwine)
Dear Alex,
“When I first began writing to you way back when, I soon began having similar dreams of my shirt just bamphing out of existence – much to my quickly scrambling-to-avoid social embrassment.
I guess that means that my love for this man is equivalent – if not more so – to the original love that I had for you?
And also, it seems that the inadvertent baring of breasts signifies my vulnerable heart is again being displayed uncomfortably wide open.”
(You – DEADLUVE)
Dear Alex,
“I wish you were here to help guide me, to help me find decisions that align with you.”
Dear Alex,
“Sometimes the greatest love is nobody else’s business.”
(On Your Side – Mansionair)
Dear Alex,
“I am afraid to love him like I do.
People would judge and label and criticize.
I don’t know what’s come over me, but he moves me to my core.
His wild magic matches mine – and makes me feel so much more capable than ever before.”
(There’s Nothing Holding Me Back – Shawn Mendes)
Dear Alex,
“Though I just fought back a major complex of muscle spasms suddenly trying to painfully twist my shoulder out of its socket and facial spasm/numbness is scatter-ticking, there will not be surgery.
There will not be surgery!
There WILL NOT be SURGERY!!
My body is MINE again – and there’s still time to RECLAIM it!”
Dear Alex,
“It turns out that surgery will not be the answer – and that though the pain and symptoms are severe, there is still hope for regaining my structural capacity.
Thank goodness – and back to feretting out the neurology.”
Dear Alex
“Tomorrow, I meet with the surgeon’s office.”
The New King
Crowned and Christened
Triumphant legions cheer
But this is not what he’s sought
And she waits for him to appear
Alex,
“There are some things happening that might be putting me in an even more difficult position…I can’t explain it here, but it’s ramping up my stress exponentially.”
Dear Alex,
“What’s it going to take for me to be alright, again?
I hardly dare hope that I could become better than ever.”
Dear Alex,
“I am not sure just how I managed to do so, but I made it to the ball on time, dressed as the queen I am inside.”
Alex,
“I can’t seem to preserve any peace for myself, no matter how I work to regain it.”
My Love,
“Even if it hurts me, show me the way.”
—
(Sleep Token reference)
Candid Corvid Productions 