The trick I’m trying to figure out for me – the “A-winning” combination in relationship – is what ought I to be looking for, and what can my realistic expectations be?
What I’ve witnessed in the courtship period is that people can be misleading because, often times, a person who’s interested in you will try to be on their best behavior and show you all of their best parts. And, while it’s normal for people to do this, there’s the trend that once a person feels they’ve secured you, they think they can just stop putting in these efforts.
After a courtship period, when you commit to being with a partner out of or within marriage, suddenly it can seem as if your partner switches like Jekyll and Hyde, which causes you to think, “Wait a minute. You’re not the person I fell in love with. You’re not the person who’s been here for me – and now you’re acting like I’m selfish and too needy, when we used to have a great, positive dynamic!”
I really don’t know how to circumvent that behavior…that flip in a person’s personality. It’s tricky – and we could label it “unfair” – that people feel this behavior is acceptable. They believe that once they’ve secured their object of desire, they can just go back to “default’s” norm.
We could call it “laziness.” We could call it “their comfort zone.” We could accuse them of “taking us for granted” because they’re no longer investing efforts to keep our relationship delightful and smooth.
I know that life’s circumstances happen, and once we feel like we’ve got what we need securely in our back pocket, we want to bring in all of the other aspects of our lives that we enjoy, and that we’re pursuing to improve our lives and/or ourselves. We need our personal goals and desires to be valued in the relationship, as well.
But, you can’t ignore continuing to put energy into the relationship. It fails if we do.
Most of us need that little bit of romance and mystery of the courtship process to continue in our relationship. What captures our hearts and minds when we first “fall in love” is the promise of getting to experience this exchange “for the rest of our lives.”
But, what is necessary in a relationship in order to determine that we have found real partner material in each other?
Some would argue that physical intimacy should wait until marriage because once the partner’s had a sample, they just might decide they’re happy living a life of “sampling trays.” Or, “Well, thank you for your appetizer – I’m going to go find an entree.” One’s “goods” can become no longer desirable simply after a “taste.”
But, it takes learning about each other in the bedroom before you really know your compatibility. And, this understanding is something that takes time and investment by both partners to discover.
However, I’m not sure that this should be given away in the courtship stage because, emotionally and biologically, intimacy between partners is meant for creating deeper bonding in connection. This ought to be reserved, at least on some level, for the longer-lasting opportunity.
It can also be very harmful to create such a bond with another person – and then they suddenly detach and leave. This act can negatively affect the remaining person’s concepts of reality and what love is about, and send their center spinning because their once-partner decided to be callous after they entered into this experience.
So, how does one prevent such a loss from happening – and yet, how do you get a feel for each other’s inherent capacities in expressing, performing, examining and living life, and how you would both interact together on these levels in long term relationship?
I know that it’s a learning process: we haven’t been taught how to invest in each other and how to help each other grow. We haven’t been taught to expect that there are going to be learning curves if we’re authentically attempting to connect with each other.
At the same time, we have been taught by media and social propagation in a form of “popularity” that, “Hey – nobody’s worth spending any time on if they aren’t going to ‘put out’ immediately!”
I’m the type of person who’s a “lifer.” I commit hard and bond deep.
I’m not controlling, but I do want a partnership that’s evolving where both people are growing while somehow managing to keep their connection together, sharing a fluid freedom that feeds romance and brings regenerating positive experiences and excitement to the relationship – as well as provides a sense of security and consistent opportunities for mutual relaxation.
I think what makes a life partnership and marriage really worthwhile is that we become greater in our dynamic expressive capabilities as human beings individually and together when we have a partner who’s truly there for us, grows with us, and shares with us – investing in us while we’re doing the same for them in life’s journeying.
I believe that mutual commitment can be an amazing, fulfilling, and wonderful adventure!
Candid Corvid Productions 