Remnant Musings

I learned to be an accomodator. This is not a bad thing, at all, especially if you are meant to be a healer.

But, if this is a constant, subconscious default as automatic response of offering underbelly, at best, you are disregarded as an equal; at worst, you are seen as prey.

So, I learned to play possum, recognizing I must modify, but realizing also that I could not defend myself if seen as a threat by predators.

I developed kindness and generosity so I would affect only good will and beneficience upon others.

But, brutality snarls at that which it is not brave enough to evolve to. Subsequently, I have still remained its target.

The best method of survival I’ve found as a committed non-violent is outmaneuvering. I’ve had so much bad happen to me, I can often see the patterns that’ll lead to a next event coming.

My time investing in the last job I held was a test on working such theories: the man on his surface was nice and easy-going, but had vicious flares of narcisitic lashings.

I held firm in a hostile environment, which on surface seemed warm and welcoming. When the end came, I should not have been surprised – but, his timing and follow through were perfect for a man with repressed rage: he destroyed, and then obliterated me.

I’d held long enough to relearn and expand upon my prior education and training. I got my “street cred” back – and my licensing.

But, having encountered such directed violence from one man living subconsciously, I have had reinforced the danger of trusting another with my well being, so completely.

This lesson was reinforced earlier, when my husband left me and our family.

This lesson was reinforced before this, when politicians and greed ruined our economy.

This lesson was reinforced before this, when society did not care for its displaced teenagers.

This message was reinforced before this, when abusers could infiltrate home premises.

This lesson was reinforced before this, when I was pulled too hard, backward as birthed from my mother.

The stage was set from the beginning: I would be thinking differently from others.

But, now as I’m half a century grown, I pivot – poised and ready – to open my arms wide and take command of such heresy.

I’ve lived long enough now that my words can hold their weight. It doesn’t matter if others agree with my oracular dictates.

Truth is truth and remains truth despite lies’ genuflections.

What matters now is what we do with Knowledge – and how we bring into reality our good intentions.