Month: August 2021

I was just texted by one I met quite a while ago.
He says he’s single now, and likes older women.

He says I’m sexy and wants to pursue me.
I told him thank you, please move onward

Because I personally don’t think that any
Love between two people is a light thing.

If I’d choose a younger man, it’s due to merit –
Not because I desire to have a younger man!

And Then,

He sent me his d*** pic…
It isn’t size that impresses.

Seeking one’s soul mate is a task for the outrageously insane – or the creatively inspired.

– Title ref to book by L. Ron Hubbard

My creativity is a vehicle, and I am its passenger. A symbiotic relationship where we feed and nourish each other.

We both have destinations in mind, and learn from while aiding each other.

Am I tthe host, or dependent upon it? Neither can exist, without the other.

Writing allows the mind the space to think more clearly, analyzing skeins of data, and considering larger to small picture meaning.

It also gives a chance to play out scenarios, and design them more to one’s liking – at least, with regards to what we’d prefer to say, if emotions and other reactions wouldn’t crowd into our way.

Perhaps in our conversations, we’d be more wise or witty.

We stood together briefly, off to the side, both having by chance attended the same event.

“You seem to be doing well for yourself, now,” he commented in a friendly greeting. “Yes. I knew somehow I would overcome,” I replied, giving away nothing I was feeling. Why did his presence irk me so much? And why did I want more of it?

“I can see you’ve taken a step forward in pursuing some of your own ambitions,” I said, nodding to a lovely woman. “Well, yes. Your words to me kind of put it to me bluntly. Funny how things happen, isn’t it?”

“Yes,” I agreed. “In fact, some things are almost too predictable.” Awkward pause from him as he cleared his throat. “Any luck finding your soul mate?” He ventured. How I did love his gallantry.

“None, yet. But, I suspect sucess has something to do with ‘it only happens when you’re not looking,” or I haven’t done enough work on myself, yet, – or maybe he isn’t even here in this time, on this planet.”

“Hm,” he thought about it. But, before he could offer his insight, someone signalled he was needed elsewhere. He gave his apologies to me and turned to go.

On sudden impulse, I reached out to detain him a moment longer. “Hey, listen…I don’t know how or why, but I would like us to stay connected. It seems important. Is there a way we could?”

“Uh, I’m not sure that’s appropriate. I will have to think on it. If I think of something, I’ll let you know.” And the world of posh enlivery regathered him into its fold.

Elation when in
Higher realms.

Spiritual congruencies
Transcend limitations.

it is strange to be a unit
Outside system program

Trending currents that
Lead to understanding.

Many would argue we should not have saved the mouse, for mice are known for damaging crops, property, carrying fleas with disease, and more.

But, humans have been known for even greater destruction…any one representative of a species is not “destined” to be like the others.

There are other factors involved we don’t always see that cause extremes, and acts of kindness can help us find better answers.

It is to do with climbing performance. The longer the tail, the better the climber. Arboreal dwelling mice hence tend to have longer tails than those that inhabit grasslands.

Theguardian.com

Early this morning, my youngest called, “Hey Mom – there’s a mouse in the sink…”

“A bwah…whah?” my sleep-beleguered mind wrestled to comprehend what they were telling me, trying not to snap connection from REM.

“A mouse in the sink.”

“So? Get it out of there.” Feeble attempt to confer authourity.

“I can’t, it’s stuck.”

(Bwahuwah?)

Anyone who knows anything about mice knows that it’s near impossible for a mouse to get stuck in anything because their bones are beyond flexible. (Who’s dreaming, here?)

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I mumbled out to deflect the issue. (Do they know what they’re talking about?) My lucidly languid thought patterning quipped internally.

“It’s in the pipe, behind the grate,” they pressed, clearly wanting my help.

“Leave it alone, I’ll deal with it, later…Let me sleep.”

Maybe the issue would resolve itself. It had made its way there by mysterious mouse magic. Maybe it could find its own way out.

++++

Youngling’s account, in their words:

I heard weird splashing sounds coming from the drain, far-too erratic to be caused by a leaking faucet. Flicking on my phone’s flashlight, I gazed into the depths of the drain to see movement. A cluster of long white things crowded below the drain’s grate. What was that? Had a spider crawled inside? No, they were whiskers, and little rodent feet revealed the mysterious creature to be a mouse. It splashed around in backed-up pipe water, gazing up at me with beady black eyes.

I laughed. How on earth had it gotten there? More importantly, why? What had compelled this little mouse to crawl through our entire drainage system? And just how waterboarded had it gotten, by that point?

I chuckled and tried to wake mom, her half-asleep words calling in a confused tone. “Mouse? Mouse?? In the sink? Which sink? No more, deal with it tomorrow. Sleep.”

I checked back on the mouse to see it hanging from the sink’s grate by its teeth, its little nose peeking out of the drain. It hung there, staring at me. It seemed to be okay sleeping there for the night.

Of course, mom forgot about the mouse, and proceeded to waterboard it more the next morning, before we freed it.

++++

Around 9 am, I got up, used the toilet, and washed my hands, toweling them dry before shambling back to bed for more sleep.

Around 11:30 am, I resigned myself to get up, as I could hear my parents outside loading their caravan, preparing to leave soon.

I used the toilet and washed my hands. Then, I brushed my teeth, spit, flossed, brushed, and rinsed again, finishing with more spitting out any remnants. I dried my mouth, then went back to the sink and rinsed off my face once…twice…three times with the water still running.

I dried my face and curled my bangs, brushed my hair, and went in search of a hair tie to gather my hair with.

++++

2 pm

“Mom…did you get the mouse?”

“What mouse?”

“The one in the sink.”

“What mouse in the sink?”

And my youngest shows me where there’s been a mouse in the bathroom sink, which I now begin fuzzily remembering about – and to my dawning shame and horror, realize that I’ve been waterboarding it!

Thence ensued the following photos of rescuing what turned out to be a newly independent mouseling.

“I am determined that nothing but the very deepest love will induce me into matrimony.”

– Elizabeth Bennett, A&E’s Pride And Prejudice.

Last November, I had a dream, which was sparked by a dawning awareness, end of September to early October 2020.

I was watching a new movie and realized I had always loved one of the actors in it. From the moment I first saw him as a young man, and in brief glimpses in passing by things he worked on as he grew and developed over time, there’d always been something core inside me that Recognized him as, “Yes, that’s the one.”

I wasn’t in a good or safe place to process this realization being handed to me like a chiding slap in the face to wake up. In fact, it came right in the middle of experiencing the stabbing wound of my three year’s engagement being killed and smothered to death in front of me, while I visited my dearly betrothed for the last time.

What would I have done with the information, anyway? Even if in a perfect world with unlimited resources and no barriers to our communication? The actor was also younger than me – and, look how well this engagement with a younger man was going!

Still, as I got the chance at last to pray behind and to the right side of my beloved late at night, after the cool had finally broken the stuffling heat of the day, and the hijab his mother had affectionately bought for me was light in its soft, smooth cotton and comforting me like a blanket, I stared up at the planet Mars with the deepest yearning as tears welled slow and trickled heavily from my eyes, and my soul sought for and sent out its call for the return of love’s deep connection.

Only the silence of the great void greeted me in the vast expanse of untamed Egyptian sky. Only the warm, melodic cadence of the man I’d loved singing his prayers to Allah for me to hear, witness, and be embraced by as a parting gift of his love for me, in a last memory’s cherished lullaby.

++++

I don’t know if it’s true, because I cannot see behind the veil, but there is a sense that sometimes we get bumped up close to people, in time, that we normally would never have crossed paths with.

When this happens, it seems to be that there’s a purpose to it: something from one person gets “rubbed off” onto the other person, and they go forward on their track in life, a bit changed from who they were before.

++++

What was the dream – what happened? Well, I will tell you, but pay attention.

Because it isn’t in the details of what I’m telling you, it’s in the spaces in-between where the mystery beckons, where silence waits for our minds to be quiet and look for hidden information.

For me, it’s in having done a lifetime of soul searching, counseling, and trial-and-error testing in life’s physical plane of “functionality,” and extrapolative ponderations that would’ve given even the greatest philosophers a run for their money, that makes certain elements resonate in certain ways for me.

It was a simple dream with a few detailed parts. I called a character the actor had played, not knowing the actor played him. I asked him if he was available, and if he would like to spend some time with me. He said, yes – that he would be right over. There was a connection of mutual interest.

As I waited for him, I stepped outside the house where I was staying. A river came to meet me, and parted into streams around me, flowing easily and full on either side of me where I stood on solid, dry ground, and the cool, moist air from the water’s passage refreshed my senses. I gazed out to where the streams ran to meet the sea, and I wondered about eternity.

Here, I could tell you, “Oh, I am ‘The Water Bearer’ on cusp of Pisces.” Or I could say sagely, “All rivers eventually return to the sea.”

Point is, this moment was very symbolic for me because I could feel that what was happening was definitely a message, and the fact I called him – and then, he agreed and wanted to see me – was something neither of us would normally be doing, in reality.

I resolved to discover who the actor was who played that character, and was surprised to find he was the same person I’d seen in the movie’s viewing in Egypt. I was astonished at how the dream had gotten under my protective barriers and seemed to be telling me to contact him.

++++

I did try to reach out to the man and introduce myself to him, but I never had solid confirmation it was truly him with whom I was speaking.

My youngest went into surgery, and I wrote thoughts, poetry, desires, ambitions, fears, questions, and curiosities to the actor by text, just holding onto the contact, not sure what our connecting together could really mean.

Whomever was on the other side of the text feed, I knew I was likely overwhelming him. I felt pressed for time, driven to share as much creative info about my self as I could with him. I knew this was a rare chance to show him parts of me nobody else knew – and that might never be seen.

I told him I wanted him to know he was loved, for himself – as a human being. I wanted him to keep believing in goodness with every fiber of his being. I wanted him to know that I believed in him and knew he’d keep doing amazing things.

And then it happened. The portal snapped closed. The line was cut suddenly, and we floated off again, separately, into our own sides of time and space to resume independent patterning.

My messages either got through to him and made sense, or they didn’t, and last I heard, he’s living his life pleasantly.

++++

Celebrities cannot afford an easy-going Zoom call without worrying who else will see it. They cannot say whatever they’re thinking offhand because someone might misinterpret their meaning, misquote them, or even lie about such things. Celebrities cannot afford – for all their wealth – the luxury of being “free.”

We “own” them, in a sense. The public does.That’s exactly why I’d remained all my life hiding in the shadows of “obscurity.” I never again wanted to be controlled by anything censoring honesty, charity, or good will in creative expression.

But, our brief pass so close that possibly bridged our realities sparked courage in me to begin standing in the light with him.

And thinking he might have been there, truly listening, meant the world to me. Not because he was a celebrity, but because, even before he “Became Somebody,” he’d always been a man I’d admired.

When I was a child, I wanted to find the words. As I grew, they began coming to me. As I overcame, they danced with me. Today, I feel empty – and they are silent.

(A few months ago)

We are in the final days before our
Consciousness becomes aware.

There’s no stopping it, this time:
Even our planet is now primed.

The populations are too great
And resources too plundered:

The tipping point is maximized –
Poised for advanced civilization.

The next morning, after a night of huddling with little sleep in the cold on a nondescript park bench, I made it in time to the shelter before breakfast was over. A plain clothed older woman volunteer took my name and gave me a number, pointing to the trays and explained how the food line worked.

It was crowded and musty, with more than a hint of unwashed body odor, and I knew I didn’t belong there. But, I needed help, and no one would believe my story. I could only start with the basic facts, and rebuild myself from there – with a little luck and supportive guidance, hopefully from the agency.

After picking at the breakfast, a mixture of items that tasted like they’d come from long-term storage in musty church cupboards, I resolved to wait as long as it took for my number to be called. I made myself doze to avoid eye contact or awkward conversations with the other women of various ages and impoverished circumstances. It distressed me to be there.

Around 11:30 am my number was at last called, and a younger woman by the name of Kyra began my intake. The usual stuff: name, date of birth, address, phone number, place of employment, nearest relative, circumstances that brought me there today.

I gave my name and date of birth, and then jumped to, ” Look. I’ve found myself in a weird situation. Apparently, I’ve had amnesia. I know my name and birthdate, but is there a way you could help get my fingerprints run to find out where I’ve been – and where I belong?” I was determined to hold out hope I’d had some form of life in the past ten years. “I also don’t have ID, money, food, clothing – or a place to stay. Can you help me with this?”

Kyra’s look of mild surprise was followed by unsure belief, “Er…we’ve never had your kind of situation here before. Maybe you should go to the police?” “I thought of that,” I replied, ” but I’m worried about what circumstances brought me to this. I don’t know anyplace to go that is really Safe while I figure this out. I really need your help, Kyra. I don’t know who else to turn to.”

The concern in her bright blue eyes deepened and she somberly nodded her head, “Well, of course. I will see what we can do.” “Thank you so much,” I said, sagging back into the chair with relief. This action on my part seemed to strengthen her resolve, and she hurried out of the office to speak with a colleague.

After a few minutes, Kyra returned with a tall, older man with worry lines worn into his brow. “Hello, Miss. Kyra has explained your situation to me and it does seem more a matter for the police to handle. However, realizing you must be exhausted, confused, and in need of some support, we can get you a room and some counseling, as well as a visit with our confidential nurse. They’ll make an assessment as to what’s to be done from there. Sound good?” And he rose to lean across the table to give my hand a firm shake. “Welcome to The Women’s Sanctuary.”

++++

One thing I had not realized, but learned I could now count on, was that once you were admitted under the protective wing of The Women’s Sanctuary, no influences – police, or others – could find out you were there, and thus, could not gain access to you. It was kind of its own private society, bound by rules to uphold a woman’s safety, where man and society had before let her down. I resolved to discover how I could stay there – at least until I knew more about the external situation.

I was not naive, however, and realized I must still learn to trust noone. I must stay on my guard, be ever alert, and rely upon the kindness of those who seemed genuinely caring.

i learned that many women there came from harsher backgrounds. What’s the loss of the last ten years by some mind wiping compared to enforced prostitution, domestic violence, and childhood enslavery? There was a rumor going around that “spies” had infiltrated among them. Some women still shivered and cried at night, afraid someone would come to get them. But, it was better than being on the streets, and nobody complained. It was hard enough to get a warm bed – and keep it, with a staff that seemed genuinely sincere.

Extrapolates from the “real” and “farfetched,”
Weaving a pattern toward hope’s prosperity.

“Write what you know.”

They call them “tasps” because they tap into your neurology and can induce pleasure – but, that’s for the addicts to go on about.

They were created in an attempt to help those with difficulties bridge synaptic gaps by use of pinpoint select energy currents, rather than continued use of synthetic drugs (by 2097, we all knew their use was barbaric).

But, something happened – “went wrong” one day when they hooked up one patient to the program. Her name was Paula, a Latina woman, and according to her psychologist, she’d been progressing well in the therapy.

++++

A middle-aged woman with glasses, gives content to images sequencing on a movie screen to a large assembly of educators, field specialists, news crews, university students, and corporate representatives.

“The ‘Arc Effect’ or ‘Leap’ occurs when currents of energy bridge across muscle and bone to join with neural currents within the brain’s matrix.

Theories suggest electrochemical charges within this matrix rely on attraction and parallelism, where combinations of chemicals are formed and regulated within the brain, creating a continuum of operant cooperation – usually trending to benefit human daily functionality.

However, if needed charges are missing, or an irregular, nonbeneficial current gets established in the charged system, interventions are necessary – whether by somehow adjusting the internal regulation system, or by externally giving a push toward the better direction for internal self-correction.

Here is where the Transference Adaptive Specialization Program (TASP) can do wonders.

We have run thousands of scans, mapping brain wave frequencies of high-functioning individuals. Then we have analyzed these along the light wavelength spectrum and created a general model of a healthy, dynamic brain.

When we scan an individual’s brain who is suffering from depression, for example, we see what spectral frquencies it is missing, compared to the model.

Once we find the wavelengths that need strengthening, we calibrate the machine to provide those these in the therapy’s treatment.”

A hand raises in the presentation room.

“Yes?”

A young man stands up and asks, ” What if a patient has too much of a wavelength type. What do you do, then?”

“Ah. Excellent question. We counter by adding a wavelength which will turn the overage toward a new balance – much like when mixing colors on a palette, as when mixing red and blue makes purple.”

Another hand raises, from a young woman in a lab coat. “Isn’t there a danger of causing an imbalance to the patient’s natural internal regulatory system? The brain governs all of the human system’s functioning. Isn’t is a grave risk you are taking with this energetic application?”

The presenter nods her head, but says with confidence, “We are already seeing amazing results in our clinical trials, and taking every precaution ‘deemed appropriate.’

Treatments are in small exposure amounts and times, and post observation is consistent. So far, there seem to be no negative side effects!”

++++

“Always keep the pressure right here,” instructed the lab technician.

“Press your forehead, here, and rest your chin, here,” as he helps Paula’s positioning in the sitting up face cradle.

“If you feel any heat or discomfort, you’re to let me know immediately, ok?”

Paula nods in agreement.

“It’s particularily important that you keep your eyes focused on the changing color patterns in front of you, on the screen.

Don’t close your eyes for more than a blink, or the connection’s progress will be lost. Do you understand?”

Paula nods again and nervously licks her lips.

++++

What is thought, but a synaptic intention?
What is reality, but our mind’s inventions?

We assign “consciousness” to beast or human,
Secure in limitations of base comprehension.

But, what if it’s more than we give credit for –
And awaits our curiosity to engage with it?

The door swooshed open, and Mancy was there – her eyes filled with angry tears of betrayal. “You stupid git!” She angled at me, ” I stood up for you, tried to protect you!”

Chaz’s quick hand side chop silenced anything further she has to say, as Terrence caught her body, easing her limp unconsciousness gently to the floor. Then, the team surrounded me as we fled through the store with Chaz leading, heading for the side exit.

Escape, first. Questions later.

“I like you better now as a brunette than a blond,” Chaz tossed back at me to get my attention. This snapped me out of being distracted by Mancy, and the team could move more quickly with me focused.

As the side door banged open from Chaz’s force, I could see a helicptor had touched down before us with blades still rotating. I was tossed unceremoniously up into the cargo bay like a lumpy sack ofmiscanieous and the team clambered in to distant sirens approaching quickly while wailing. The pilot took us up into air as we hastily distanced from the building, shouting back to Chaz, “We’ve been monitoring the waves for any activity – glad to have you back with us, buddy!” Chaz clapped him affably on the shoulder and the chopper’s noise muffled his heartfelt return…

Which brings me back to the restaurant years later: how did I come through all of that – to wind up here, until now, with no recollection? From a glance by Chaz, my rediscovered grandparents ushered me back into the kitchen. Chaz played off my reaction to him in front of the Russians as some past known schoolgirl fantasy. “Small world, i guess!” As he ruefully shook his head, and after a pause, considering, they laughed with him at his expense in cajolery

I felt embarrassed and confused as my grandparents tried to shush and divert me. Small world indeed. I had a bone to pick with him about my memory!

Two hours later, rumpled and distraught, Chaz grabs me by themy upler arms and starts firmly shaking me. “I told you to forget about all of that – to forget about me!” Dazed, and in shock, I replied, “Oh yeah? What did you do to my memory?!” He dropped my arms instantly, taking a step back from me. “What do you mean?” He asked warily, eying me as if I had some trick up my sleeve. “I mean, I didn’t remember any of this until just this evening!”

“Impossible!” He said, shaking his head in denial, then looking at me quizzically. “Then why were you at the range, today – watching me?” “You saw me? I thought I was being casual about it. I have no idea why, or how I got there. Just…I was there…and watching you. Like in a dream.” His raked a hand through his short,curled in agitation, looking down – then up at me.

“What the f—…?” His voice trailing off as he absorbed my reply. “Well, stranger things have happened,” he grudgingly reflected. I remembered he was right and blankly nodded, unsure of my standing with him – or in this reality!

***

We arrived on top of an unmarked building, the chopper pilot giving a thumbs up to the team as swung away after we dismounted. Once through the large metal clanking door, we trotted several flights of stairs down and entered through a quieter door into a long corridor. Numbers passed by on fog-glass doors with no other markings. There was no clue as to for whom the team was working.

when we reached the end of the hall, Olivia took my arm, guiding me into the nearest room. “You know she’ll have to be debriefed in ‘Processing.”” Chaz paused, and then nodded his assent as he and the rest of the team returned down the hall to the stairs and disappeared.

+++

“That’s the last thing I can remember,” I stated, squinting as I tried to think clearly. “Sh–!” He muttered. “They must have wiped you, then sent you wandering. They do that sometimes with incidental ‘casualties.'”

“Ok, but how did that get me to watching you – and to here? I countered. “I don’t know,” he admitted. “But, I don’t trust it. Someone’s trying to counter my game.”

“But, what if my memory was coming back, and I knew how to find you? What else could anyone have to gain? I clearly mean nothing to you.” He flinched at my remark, which surprised me.

“Listen,” he said earnestly, this time taking me by the arms more gently. “You don’t belong in all of this. You belong somewhere far from here – safe, happy, and Free!” I couldn’t make sense of his words. Everything was just happening so quickly, and his kinder touch threw off my internal balance.

“Let go of me!” And as he did, I backed away hastilly. “Well, where would I go – who would I be? This idea of yours doesn’t seem to have worked the first time!” I leaned backwards against a counter, reached for, and shakily sipped some grown-cold herbal tea.

He gave me a wan smile and quipped, “That’s something I’ve always liked about you: you could always keep up with me.” “Liked,” not “loved” – and there we had it. I’d always cared more for him, than him caring for me. (Get it through your head, girl. Look what not doing so has brought you to. I know, right? Get a life, get a brain – get a new Destiny!)

Suddenly, my posture sagged in weariness. “Can I just be done with this, already?” “I’m sorry, but for the time being, you’ll need to stay here with your grandparents. Someone has gone to a lot of trouble, and we need to make them feel they’re succeeding.”

(Isn’t this cliche?)

I thought about it all for a minute, wanting to break out – just burst through the veil. No matter what normal path I could choose, I would be trapped. There was no love here – and certainly, no future.

“No. I won’t be a pawn in this,” I said as I put down the cup of tea, firmly. I grabbed the coat I’d been wearing earlier, and since I had no money or ID, headed off to find the nearest woman’s shelter.

Chaz didn’t follow me. He seemed surprised I was leaving, and probably thought I’d be back after my “head cooled off.”

To care for others as we can;
To defend where we’ll stand.

To make huge mistakes
And then fall from Grace –

To get back up
And try again.

Everyone has Potential – but,
Are they willing to invest in it?

“There Was The Word…”
Consciousness was born.

My heart is ever on them 😉

Interesting things happen when
You let a garden go its own way:
Nature shares secrets with you.

(Flashback to early 20’s) Mancy and I were best friends – we went everywhere together. I knew she had a hard crush on me, but I thought we could work it out. She knew I liked Chaz in a way noone could leverage me from.

After we’d crossed paths again when he visited the metropolis, I had confessed my love to him, again. He dissappeared after telling me he could notnreturn my affections. I was heartbroken because we had both matured and I’d known he’d traveled intdrnationally, so ai thought he must have happened upon the key that would allow him to unlock his heart to me I did not know that his seeing me again did in fact cwuee him to seriously begin to reaxamine the whole thing.

Many was beyond delighted to hear he’d again rebuffed me and as we hadsome type of c3lebrwtion we were tonattend, she determined to make her move on me. In attempt to make me feel better, we went clothes shopping, she did up our hair in matching bobthpe curls and lavished us with subtly decwdent makeup When we were at a club and then dinner, she lroposed to me. But, I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t rise to the accasion for her and be happy. I collapsed at the table into tears.

Some other patrons looked at me with concern, and distracted by their inquiries as to my well being, I missed the tell of pain and regret as Mancy gazed at me, calculating.

Meanwhil3, chaz had been listening and was thrilled. He’s placed a tracker on mewith monitoring. He had been working on the code to unlocking his heart and had realized it was a disparity of.a missin “e” between realities of love and functionijg in the rest of the world. Don’t ask me what that means. It’s codespeak only the best agency geeks would understanf.

But, all of Mancy’s reserve vanished. All those years of being kind to me and wanting to be with me suddenly contorted inside her as blind rageful vehemence. If she couldn’t have me, no one else would. She took advantage of my tearful state, and told me she knew someone who could help me recover and be happy again. Shr had always been trustworthy, by my side – and I foolishky beleived she would never do harm to me…

The room wss dimmed in lighting and filled with shelving and toys. No windkws let in light, and no teachers were there. The other children and I toddled about, complacent with the variety to choose from, and although we were not all bozded, somehow we knew how to respect each other. The fugue of childhood was comforting, and I was surlrised to see blond curled Chaz there to the left of me, playing with a dump truck quietly. I wondered if it was time for lunch, yet, but realized by pattern tracking dawning on my consciousness that the teachers would return in an hour, now they were content we would not get into any trouble. Something about us being part of an exleriement where we all possessed some injerent maturity.

Sudd3nly a jag of light appeared and caught my attention to the right above me. The soft ceiling that I could see must have been hastily micked there was giving way to weight of wiring piping. Something was important about this. Something I must know immediately. Something that could maybe savebus. Why was I thinking such thoughts?

The other children saw my interest in the sagging ceiling revealing bright light and csaw I meant to get up to it. Chaz was the first to respond and began stacking things for me to climb up on. Then I began thinking more clearly and as my confidence grew, so did my body, and the other kids gasped and stood back as with a small step ladder my arult self clwmbered up to the tol of the shelving and began tearing at the ceioing.

My head emerged through the wall of the adjacent department stkre and I called a worker over, asking him to olen the door in front of him – that we’d all been locked inside. He didn’t feel comfortable about doing so, anf as he did the first time, I called to the kids to hurriedly get out of the room. 3 came out and the door closed again. I asked the man to open the door again, and he was getting very nervous about doing so. I could feel the panic inside, as I knew something about our arrangement was very wrong. I pleaded with jim to hurry, and as 2 more came out, Chaz wedged the door with his small foot and called the last 2 children out, exiting with them. 

Instead of risking getting trapped again in thwt room and facing what must have been regression hypnosis, I tore through the wall some more and adked the man to bring a nearby ladder over so I couldndescend by it.

A passing by latina woman with two chikdren happened by and all our children clustered to her as a sense of safety. She ushered them all into an elevator, and as I caught up with them and barely caught it as the dokrs were closing, she said she’d been told to press the 3rd floor as management wanted to question what had haplened. Immediately, I was worried and suspicious. I tried pressing the 2 and basement, but the elevator kept climbing, heading for more flokrs than necessary. My mind frantically sought a way to stol it. Wasn’t there some sort of emergency stop leaver?

I began groping at the sealed control panel, desperate to do anything – and Chaz was suddenly beside me, taking over full grown, to the startled gasp of the woman. He worked some magic to get the panel open, and inside with the wiring to stop our climbing. Then, as he jimmied to begin our descent, he warned, ” We don’t have much time before they’re after us.”

Marcos, Olivia, Terrence, and Danny were suddenly full adult, nodding affirmation and getting ready. The woman fainted as her two children clamored for how Chaz’s team accomplished this – tired of the dullery of their childhoods. “Another time, kids.” Chaz tried to assure them. He and his team crouched ready as the box stopped and its doors slid open, keeping the woman and her kids behind them.

I was on a golf course in a car, glancing back at him. In retrospect – of course he saw me – but this was a dream. Other russian agents were monitoring him, but I was just a bystander happening upon him, drawn to the way he spoke, captured by how his tone to my mind was intriguing. When the agent on the phone attempted to capture him in some lie, he spoke right back to the heart of the matter, diverting the agent and putting him on the spot.
I realized I needed to leave right then because the situation was moving into levels where I could get caught into the broil of it, if I didn’t leave the scene.
But the man with short, tight wavy curls cut fashionably in feathering, businesslike and sheik in his dark sunglasses and well formed suit kept filling my mind with questions, wondering how to get close to him and know him.
I found where he was staying, as I’d overheard him mentioning that their convention was staying at this bed and breakfast in. It was a concrete set of compounds, unappealing to the eye and only two stories high, two long buildings set ac4oss the street from each other. 
I was on a bicycle by then, I guess for ease of moveability in exploring. As I biked by to investigate the situation, I saw many foreigners in the bedroom open curtain3d 2indows, and it did not seem a place nor time where I could add my lodging without seeming completely out of place.
I traveled away from there, exploring the downtown grime of the place, noting there was a nightclub scene and wondering if I’d have the courage that evening to go to it. I swung around again to return to the bed and breakfast, determined to look further into it. As I rounded a corner, I noticed my tires needed more air in them, crossed the street at a light and happ3ned upon an older woman in obvious distress, trying not to cry.
Wary of the usual homeless ruse, I took the leap and extended my hand out to her, pausing in passing on the bike. She broke into tears and told me she was so worried about her husband. I said maybe I could help and went to go get him for her. Of male friend of his came with jim, and I stood there with her as her back up for confidence.
It turned out they were the couple who ran the diner for the B&B and he confessed to me that he’d been feeling more glum these days, with a sense of foreboding and depteression. He reached out to touch his wife’s neck, lovingly, and reassured her she was still his lovely sweetheart, which made her eyes tear up with relief and happiness.
I suggested it was the influence of the city and they ought to get away to the country for w bit.
They asked me to help them give coffee to some guests, as they were short-handed. I obliged, hoping to help smooth out some of their days tensions. At the table in the corner, there he was with a cluster of russians, still wearing dark colors, like the rest of them, I guess to also blend in. As I served them coffee and was right next to him, suddenly I had a flashback to childhood. He and I had grown up together (since then, where had I been??!)
I blurted out that I knew him and reminded him I’d been in love with jim, which immediately broke the t3nsion at their table, as now thr Russians had something to jibe him with.
I apologized and quickly took my leave, now confused by what I’d suddenly done in outing him as I’d has sudden revelation, and wondering who the heck I was, as I discovered the older couple were somehow my relatives!
The dream transported me back in time to when he and I were children. He always looked out for me and knew I loved him, but for some reason, in his mind, we could never be. There was a code he ascribed to early on, one that forced him to lock his heart away and set him on the path to becoming wired for international agencies.
I remember when he left one day. He came to say goodbye when we were just 11. I was never the same after that, having felt completely bonded to him, as if we should always be together. 30 years later, I found myself back to some of my original beginning. What had happened to me?  It turned out, none of us had always lived in America, and where we’d grown up was in the British Isles. I remembered little of them except for some grassy dunes where we used to play, our whole world consisting of each other and time by the ocean.
When the older couple heard of my outburst at the table, they knew instantly who I was and welcomed me as their grandchild. I apparently had extensive family of international tendency. They were polish and hardworking. I began remembering visits to my nana and “grumpa” – as we used to call him, as even back then, he always seemed to be worrying.

I am capable of deeply loving, but another person might not want what or who I am because of differing life interests. I have never really forced others to have qualifiers like this in my mind – I’ve thought “love is love,” and we grow together from this.

However, I’ve found that people often want mirror images of themselves. They want people who specifically speak their kind of tech, etc., language. Then, add to this superficialities of money, status, and friend circles.

I would’ve thought these “compatabilities” could be learned, developed together, and cross-pollinated to create interesting interactive diversification in a relationship – to be shared together as a dynamic advantage.

But, I guess people are looking for aspects in a prospective partner prepackaged and “ready-made.”

Perhaps, I am an exception.

Perhaps many people are not open to starting from the beginning with good traits and values, and evolving from there, collaboratively.

December 30, 2016 / Revised January 16, 2021
(Waking up, heart pounding from this dream…)

I’d ridden the tram, daydreaming, hoping I’d come closer to Him. Some other writer arrived earlier, beginning obvious dominating.

I’d felt myself fall into sway of loneliness (the other writer looking at his watch, then at me, knowingly) and realized I would have to extricate myself – especially in light of the writer’s presumptive competetive rudeness, arriving on my one day to rent the space, when he could’ve returned later in the week.

I don’t like pushy, uninvited men – especially when they capitalize upon any weakness: it conveys a certain obvious lack of respect.

Later, I went shopping for supplies and to regather my courage. I reentered the building, resigned to force myself to pack up – but then heard a voice which made my heart quicken.

It didn’t sound as I’d remembered – in fact, so much different. Yet, I was suddenly emotionally reacting, with my muscles quivering.

Slowly…into sight from the top stairs, a younger man emerged than the Assumer.

It was Him.

He observed my arrival, calculating with cool curiosity.

I don’t know how it was Him…He was thinner, more secure…when he turned to reply to someone, he watched me from glancing corner of an eye, with no hint of messaging.

My blood stopped cold – pressure lagging – as I fought faintness.

I dropped my bags at the entry – took a step forward to steady – then slowly turned carefully back out the door to not startle – and burst into a dead run away from Him toward downtown.

My feet pounded heavily against harsh, unyielding pavement as breath raggedy gasped, lungs burning.

I ran and ran – some detached part of my mind asking, “Why are you running as if you’re in danger? – and my pulsing cells answered “prey to predator!”

It was because He’d found – and if caught – He’d Own me.

I can’t explain how, but I just Knew I would be His – Irrevocably.

I’d had no forewarning – you never do – until just now met My Reckoning.

“Silly Rabbit – Tricks are for Kids…” Love’s for those much Braver!

Let’s face it. Perhaps we’re addicted to the rush of endorphins when “in hot pursuit.” Once we decide to “settle down,” we must face the hard drop of “Now that game is over.”

Maybe we can be here for each other, knowing this “let down” is naturally going to come. Could we perhaps plan for it – arrange counter-maneuvers to replace it by sharing in fun?

The trick I’m trying to figure out for me – the “A-winning” combination in relationship – is what ought I to be looking for, and what can my realistic expectations be?

What I’ve witnessed in the courtship period is that people can be misleading because, often times, a person who’s interested in you will try to be on their best behavior and show you all of their best parts. And, while it’s normal for people to do this, there’s the trend that once a person feels they’ve secured you, they think they can just stop putting in these efforts.

After a courtship period, when you commit to being with a partner out of or within marriage, suddenly it can seem as if your partner switches like Jekyll and Hyde, which causes you to think, “Wait a minute. You’re not the person I fell in love with. You’re not the person who’s been here for me – and now you’re acting like I’m selfish and too needy, when we used to have a great, positive dynamic!”

I really don’t know how to circumvent that behavior…that flip in a person’s personality. It’s tricky – and we could label it “unfair” – that people feel this behavior is acceptable. They believe that once they’ve secured their object of desire, they can just go back to “default’s” norm.

We could call it “laziness.” We could call it “their comfort zone.” We could accuse them of “taking us for granted” because they’re no longer investing efforts to keep our relationship delightful and smooth.

I know that life’s circumstances happen, and once we feel like we’ve got what we need securely in our back pocket, we want to bring in all of the other aspects of our lives that we enjoy, and that we’re pursuing to improve our lives and/or ourselves. We need our personal goals and desires to be valued in the relationship, as well.

But, you can’t ignore continuing to put energy into the relationship. It fails if we do.

Most of us need that little bit of romance and mystery of the courtship process to continue in our relationship. What captures our hearts and minds when we first “fall in love” is the promise of getting to experience this exchange “for the rest of our lives.”

But, what is necessary in a relationship in order to determine that we have found real partner material in each other?

Some would argue that physical intimacy should wait until marriage because once the partner’s had a sample, they just might decide they’re happy living a life of “sampling trays.” Or, “Well, thank you for your appetizer – I’m going to go find an entree.” One’s “goods” can become no longer desirable simply after a “taste.”

But, it takes learning about each other in the bedroom before you really know your compatibility. And, this understanding is something that takes time and investment by both partners to discover.

However, I’m not sure that this should be given away in the courtship stage because, emotionally and biologically, intimacy between partners is meant for creating deeper bonding in connection. This ought to be reserved, at least on some level, for the longer-lasting opportunity.

It can also be very harmful to create such a bond with another person – and then they suddenly detach and leave. This act can negatively affect the remaining person’s concepts of reality and what love is about, and send their center spinning because their once-partner decided to be callous after they entered into this experience.

So, how does one prevent such a loss from happening – and yet, how do you get a feel for each other’s inherent capacities in expressing, performing, examining and living life, and how you would both interact together on these levels in long term relationship?

I know that it’s a learning process: we haven’t been taught how to invest in each other and how to help each other grow. We haven’t been taught to expect that there are going to be learning curves if we’re authentically attempting to connect with each other.

At the same time, we have been taught by media and social propagation in a form of “popularity” that, “Hey – nobody’s worth spending any time on if they aren’t going to ‘put out’ immediately!”

I’m the type of person who’s a “lifer.” I commit hard and bond deep.

I’m not controlling, but I do want a partnership that’s evolving where both people are growing while somehow managing to keep their connection together, sharing a fluid freedom that feeds romance and brings regenerating positive experiences and excitement to the relationship – as well as provides a sense of security and consistent opportunities for mutual relaxation.

I think what makes a life partnership and marriage really worthwhile is that we become greater in our dynamic expressive capabilities as human beings individually and together when we have a partner who’s truly there for us, grows with us, and shares with us – investing in us while we’re doing the same for them in life’s journeying.

I believe that mutual commitment can be an amazing, fulfilling, and wonderful adventure!

When aristocracy recognizes
Next generations’ inherent values –

It’s as if the earth begins trembling,
Preparing to restore its rivers’ springs!