Month: September 2021

Ages ago, after reading The Ringworld Series and being fascinated by how things played out and evolved, my then-husband implied I was like the “lucky” gal who turned Protector.

This actually made me mad that he could see me relegated to an unfeeling role where my passion to learn how to live ecstatically human became consumed by only caring for our species.

However, maybe he meant it as the highest compliment…

A continuity where in following the numbers brings meaning as pass through negative moments to positivity.

How else to stabilize the complex of fragile human psychology once ethereal soul is joined with material body?

These constraint’s limitations are enough to drive our hidden potential into insanity!

Yet, we have come here to learn lessons otherwise denied to our comprehending.

Some of us are beginning to figure it out, while others continue to resist – and throw damaging tantrums.

When we first came here, I was pushing against the grip of a society that did not agree with my core needs nor beliefs.

Forging a place for us on this mountain seemed the only option, and as we arrived, I felt our vulnerability as nature could have annihilated us.

We, in turn, could have chosen to put up traps for the wasps and bees and flies. We could have poisoned scorpions and rodents. We could have inflicted damage.

Instead, I wanted us to live in harmoney – and surprisingly, after some mutual back-and-forth testing and mistakes, nature agreed!

Subtle phenomena shiftings can be powerful, and the forest could have plagued us by every season.

But, we all settled into an acceptance of mutual beneficence, with a companionship we may have all needed.

Nature does not wish to have conflict: this is not how she is designed for longevity.

Her whole purpose is to help provide balance and to watch her children grow healthy from the tiniest of seeds.

We were taken under nature’s wings like wild-weed saplings.

We were “bent, but not broken” – with a fierce desire to overcome hardship and achieve.

She gave us a place to rest and find our ease, a place to exorcise our demons without any humans interfering.

And now, she opens her arms withiout restraint and sets us free, knowing we will bring good to our new community.

I hope she is proud of us.

I hope she knows how she’s helped us recover, and that we’ll carry her in our hearts as we discover how good life can truly be.

We have learned Nature “sees the forest for its trees.” It has been such a blessing to come to know her.

We needed her love, and she gave it as she helped wash our souls clean.

We test each other and see eye to eye, only when we want to.

I’m not sure who’s more the reflection of the other.

Neither of us wants to be dominated, yet I’m the leader – and must assert my will.

Respect between us is a variable thing, but when needed, we are there for each other.

I run them, then do my own thing, following where instinct carries me – keeping an eye open as numbers shift all around me.

If I were completely linear, my life would be stuck in a groove. I would not take wild leaps of faith into the unknown. I would not be where I’ve arrived so far, here.

Applying money where the need is most pressing, such as attending psychology by getting us Starbuck’s drinks when self and kids were homeless – instead of pinching, scraping, and sniveling crazed over every penny – is key.

Recognizing bills of many kinds will always be important, but some are stagnant, and thus have flex built into them out of necessity, is helpful.

Observing nuance, learning how things work and flow together in larger to smaller schemes; watching how the tides shift and knowing that when they receed, they are sure to return again – just as the moon is currently bound to come closer to the earth – expands understanding.

Forces of nature are not still: they adapt and respond to pressures. Foragers do not kneel before predators – but fight and outmaneuver until they escape by wits and savvy.

I watch the numbers on the clock when I’m writing. I capture them for later perusal if/when I feel tapped out or desperate.

I ignore the negative messages and respond only to the good ones when I look up their meaning.

I don’t necessarily ascribe to any one belief system in any sect or definition of our reality.

There are relationships, and many are here to help us move forward, if we know how to tap into ourselves and best interpret them to assist meeting our needs.

We are the captains of our inner seas…

Perhaps I have not asked as specifically for what my heart desires and joy acquisition could bring.

However, this could be because I was lacking clarification on exactly how this reality could be.

I have needed to gain exposure to better situations and environments to sense expansive potentials.

I am glad I chose my own path, although it’s been a much harder road than direct dependency on others.

But, once I have gained a strong foothold, I will only advance further from there because I will have defined my baseline limits.

As I begin downsizing, I uncover wraparound skirts of exotic colors

I never felt safe wearing them here, for I did not want to attract any attention.

Now, I prepare them with hangers – because where we’re going cherishes butterflies.

Skin exposure on younger women is a message
Advertising “There is always something better…”

Age doesn’t matter. I was never that type of player.

Road rage of well-educated esoterics…

Downtown, a higher elder flew into anger because I did not take his offer to cross in front of him in my car due to pedestrians.

His rage projecting with high intensity caused something inside me to just snap suddenly, and I instantly rose to the challenge of externally pantomiming at him, “What? I’m just supposed to run people over for you?”

As my body flew into action, seeking how to convey this animatedly, my youngest lunged for my arms and blocked them. I was so shocked and immediately upset – hindbrain activated by the man now instantly ramped levels by sense of “betrayal from within.”

My valid response shifted to anger and hurt as we left the situation, and I carefully parked while an innocent young boy waved to me.

I got out of the car after several heated and confused exchanges with my youngest, telling him to never do that again to me.

It was one of the first times I’d let myself honestly react in public, and I felt shut down by his action.

I went into a nearby restroom and closed the door, locking it to create a cool sanctuary. Then I sank against a wall, crouching and hugging my knees as I felt my eye muscles subtly twitching from overstim.

What was happening – what was going on with me?

I was shocked and outraged that a wiser elder had irrationally lashed out at me, and my being had responded to the sense of injustice this caused in me.

My youngest had his instinctual reasons for responding: he was trying to protect me.

Neither of us was wrong. His prevention was probably better for me, as that is not the usual way I interact in public.

I settled into realizing I am in a new environment and need to do more observing. I’m not yet established, and though I am under tremendous pressure, I need to take things less seriously.

Some people in this town are clearly upset: two in three days have directly targeted me while driving.

I must allow the idea that it has nothing to do with me, but more with how they are viewing the world.

They don’t know me.

I know that there’s an energetic charge to everything.

I know that as a sensitive, I am often subconsciously expending tons of psychic effort countering or suppressing negative messaging from outside that gets into me.

On my own, there is no buffer. In charge of everything, there is no rest’s recovery.

I imagine that if we were where we need to be, surrounded by supportive resources and people, my nerves would not be “battling danger” constantly.

I have been expending my font of positivity to handle where we are lodging’s negative influences. We are repetedly exposed to people living lifestyles I have tried to get us away from.

I do not want us to be around those who have extreme psychological, drug, or alcoholic issues. I do not want us to be around people stuck in desperate cycles which reinforce effects of bad choices or habits.

It is one thing to accept people and their circumstances. It is another to be 24-7 exposed to them if they are unhealthy.

I had not realized, until today, just how much being around this lodging’s “residents” and “neighbors” has been weighing on me.

They say, “It’s always darkest before the dawn.”

But, I cannot say I’ve ever experienced a real dawn’s release – at least one that wasn’t fleeting.

The rays of relief I’ve managed to conjure have only really been cultivated by my youngest and myself.

There are two of us, now – and when I can ease off controlled regime of dictated emotionless perseverance, I feel at times our hound and feline support systems.

The sheep, the chickens and roosters, the ducks with their messy sass and quacking.

The trees of mixed types intermingled with pines. The breeze as the branches sway.

The mystery raptor that took our beloved huge rooster, and the raven that circled repeatedly over me, calling – as if it were trying to tell me something.