Month: September 2021

My photo, “Secret Bridge,” inspires thoughts of there being energetic gaps in the world, which such visualizations may help us to reconnect.

I mean, think about it…what have we learned in concepts from Sustainability?

Biomes of life are meant to be connected, transmitting communication and energetic transfer exchanges through diversity’s networks.

In progressive human community development, new construction takes these concepts into account.

“Eco Designers” ensure “corridors” remain connected between nature’s biome communities of natural scenery that construction cuts into.

This allows wildlife, plants, and other associated components – such as pollinators, water movement, etc. – to continue productive contribution toward regenerating these systems, which in turn enhances human wellbeing and the health of our planet.

Humans thrive in such systems where we are still part of the natural order of these processes. It’s encoded in our bodies to pick up response cues and interact with our surrounding natural environments.

When we are cast into deserts of shopping malls and apartment complex segregations where such biomes have been destroyed, we become the living, cellular repositories of such energy transmissive potential.

We are the “living bridges” that must hold within us the strength to rebuild what’s now harder to see due to mass industrialization stripping the heart and soul from life’s continuity.

There’s a hunger inside our bodies to be connected. Why does unnaturally-imposed isolation make us yearn to “be free?”

It’s because we instinctually know we belong in a world where nature’s thriving. It’s just taking us a while to “See the Truth” – and Believe.

What is it about this place that draws me closer?

When we were in California, I felt a strong pull to go Northern.

Where we are visiting is a positive transition zone where people cast off judgment – or at least, there’s more social responsibility.

Is that it, then? The cluster of people, ever changing, that come here due to this trending?

I know there are places where environment has greatest influence, and this place is under an open sky, nestled next to a river.

Maybe it’s a straighter shot clear to the ocean, and its location for our needs is more central for growing.

I cannot say we’d stay here forever, as it seems we move every 3-4 years, looking for someplace better – like migratory birds, following fair weather.

We had to file for the K-1 visa twice. It’s been a total of over 4 years now, and the second is still suspended due to the pandemic.

The first K-1 application was delayed five months from processing because President Trump froze the flow of immigration.

When it finally came due to be approved after my fiance’s embassy interview, he had already been put through too much duress by personal trials and how the embassy representative discriminated against him while slandering his good intentions and character.

The embassy then sent me a request for more proofs of my information. I did not understand this final step’s protocol, the embassy would not clarify, and I was confused by what I learned from the lawyer I consulted.

I was also in distress for our relationship, because my fiance at that point did not believe he would be approved, and he didn’t want to keep investing in something impossible to achieve for him.

It is a testament of his love, courage, and commitment that he kept trying to walk the journey with me.

But, I said the wrong keywords to leverage the embassy into helping me, enlisting advocacy from my local governor’s office. The embassy dropped our petition like a hot potato and returned it to the US immediatley.

They marked it as “denied due to suspected fraud,” which killed it, irrevocably.

We had to begin over again, investing more time and money, and it’s only been now with further experience that I understand what happened, and why it did.

I do not know if my beloved and I could have made it together. What has transpired from then to now has destroyed my trust in the situation.

This is what happens when outside influences such as friends, family, and governments are allowed to have power, interfering with a couple’s relationship.

I cannot blame my fiance for leaving, and yet, this is another thing about me: I stick with love so we win the bet!

I felt it when it happened.

Pressure had built up in my system from accidents and other trauma, now tipped by intake of antifungals.

Something in my neck and nerves shifted, altering my eyesight from focusing clearly.

I struggled with this sudden loss and distortion, trying hard to not panic.

As the years progressed and vision got fuzzier, it was hard to not become manic!

But, in times of relaxed introspecting, while walking or driving, suddenly I’m in the moment – and light reveals wonders to me.

Why is it a constant given that in employment I am usually the strongest in upholding morality?

I will contort myself into a knot in order to follow “rules,” yet still provide the best guidance and healthy treatment for clients.

As participants in life, it seems apparent to me that we are each here to support, enhance, and help improve the state of humanity.

Therefore, we ought to lead by example in our personal and professional beliefs and conduct – for people seek good leadership, and “Lord Knows” we need it!

When we first moved to where we are now escaping from, I immediately gained a job at a well-respected bank and was eager to work up the ranks and contribute my business skills and sensibilities.

I had gained this position just in time to prove to the embassy reviewing my fiance’s K-1 visa that I was a competent income earner by “normal standards,” and I had at last acquired for our future “stable” housing.

(In this economy back in 2018, neither tasks were easy!)

When I was admitted behind the scenes for group training, managers began indoctrinating us in usual pedanticly-rote educating.

They had us play “social morale building” games with the rest of the extensive staff, and advancement tests incorporated poster creation with on-the-fly hastily sketched artwork for slogan reframing.

We were challenged to learn specific detailed account management knowledge and program navigation techniques quickly under time pressure, and I leaned into the tasks, determined to prove my capabilites.

But then, two things happened that ruined the job for me.

The team trainer began accessing clients’ accounts and speaking derisively and snidely about how clients managed (or didn’t manage) their spending. Then, he implied it was allowed for us to look at accounts and spread bad jokes “in the name of learning.”

Topping this, he put the least mature “child” who often disrupted group cohesiveness to gain attention (and was also from the military) in charge of our group, allowing her to dominate and lord power over us.

I guess he did this instead of firing her so he could get his bonus for meeting the hiree retention quota, and to test the rest of us for our willingness to take orders and follow chain-of-command hierarchy.

However, a thing about me is that I have endured enough bad leadership. I will no longer be the brunt of immature jokes, nor be a part of a system that rewards and elevates bad behaviors.

And, I will certainly not support any group or organization that externally gives good lip service, but behind closed doors (and with utmost disrespect encouraged) disparages clients while trampling their account privacy.

I refused to be complicit in this mainstream, entitled debauchery, and promptly disentangled myself from the position.

My fiance’s arrival conscripted my attention away from the horrors that diverted me from living.

I broke off that track and began traveling to the Bay Area. I went dancing and investigated “scenes.”

He was there for me as we creatively played across distances immeasurable by walking.

The light and love he shared with me gave me a rope by which to climb out of death’s chasm.

As we moved forward, our roles shifted and I took the lead. I became stronger and my talents expanded.

I tried to give back to him in the ways his nourishment had inspired me.

But, it seems they will say now that “this was not meant to be.”

Does it feel good to tear apart two people’s connection?

No one should be allowed such blasphemy!

(Almost a year now since I was with him.)

When I was a child, I did not have people who would take time to teach me anything. And if they did, there was no luster or flare to it.

Everything was regimented linearly with “do’s” and “thou shalt nots.” My mind was starving from boredom and crazed for lack of what it sought.

I do not sit down and enjoy games of chess, charades, etc. (Ok, maybe Gin Rummy), because I am not good on the fly with my mind accessing non-essential, random blase data.

(Maybe it’s because I crave more engaging and fun, dynamic interactions, after a lifetime of solitude and introspection.)

I find it perplexing that people can spend hours on such games – when in reality, these efforts rarely amount to anything!

One could argue that it develops “strategy” – and I will admit that the way a general coordinates might be something I am lacking.

But, I do not need such skills to navigate the realms between which I’m flitting.

In fact, being bogged down by adherence to “what is known and seen” is quite possibly what is holding up much of humanity!

Intuition’s sensory receptivity primes one to expand into productive creativity.

It’s been strange and interesting to raise chickens. Also very sad when we lose some to unknown illnesses.

Chickens in one year go from little chicks dependent upon warmth, food, water, and mothering; to reckless teenagers, playing and interacting with each other; to adult hens and roosters that find their pecking order and get down to laying eggs and breeding.

We have watched them emerge as unique and friendly personalities, that then get dominated by others with agendas.

When we have separated the roosters from the hens, the boys can actually get along for the most part just fine together.

Similarly with hens, although we have had to separate them into groups that trend more in alike behaviors and characteristics.

Once chickens are mature, they will stick to their internal dictates, so it is important they are matched compatibly for productivity and happiness.

Why do I “blog?”

It is a good question which changes daily for me.

Mainly, I blog because in my normal day-to-day functioning, there is only rare forum for me to share such things as I am writing.

I also admit to feeling a deep loneliness in a world where conformity and masking our camaraderie seems the relegated tune we all march to.

And, I am opening my door to like-minded friends and cohorts, while I seek the “man of my dreams.”

This last in itself is tricky, because I think it is almost folly to predefine him.

Yet, without some sense of direction, I could flounder in searching too widely.

Thus, I will start by sharing some of my own elements, because I want him to cherish me for who I am – behind the scenes.

Concepts:

There are “spirit guides,” and/or “Spirit” guides us.

Proposal:

If we are susceptible to influence because, by their design, our human bodies are vessels (for how else would our souls be able to inhabit them?), perhaps seeking what is Good, Right, and charged by White Light could benefit us to join with it.

Perhaps there is a natural relationship of symbiosis between humans and celestial influences that we never consciously learned, or even really knew about.

We have stories and legends of “Prophets” that hint at such possibilities. When I hear or read about such emergence, I’m always struck by what seem as clues that no one addresses or speaks about.

I have always been wary of anything “other” influencing me, having been bombarded by bad messaging and other humans taking advantage of and harming me.

In my mind, Mankind can take shape of the worst sort of distorted and crazed predator – so why would I want to trust anything unseen and beyond my normal comprehension?

But, when I sit in warm sunlight’s breeze and allow my body to stop quaking in anticipation of some unknown retaliation or punishment, I sometimes feel the most wonderful Sense of Peace.

Is it Nature by its natural environment and inhabitants that gifts me by this influence of calm, or something even less understood that draws my soul to release from suffering?

As a child, Fundamental Christians exerted terror and suppression upon my surrounding community.

If I wished to “belong,” the bus would pick me up for Sunday School, and if the adults and children liked me, I would be rewarded with straw-tubed sugar called Pixy Sticks.

I talked my best friend into going with me one time, as we had been promised hot dogs and other rare delights that our mothers usually denied us.

My friend even to this day remembers that the church leaders lied to us and withheld the food – instead, preaching to us about “Hell’s Fire and Damnation,” and about how she and I were “Surely Going To Burn” because we were such wicked children.

I stopped going to social gatherings because the kids didn’t like me, anyway, and were mean and judgmental. I guess they thought I was poor because my mother liked to handmake my clothes.

I was white with sun-kissed skin and fawn-freckles on my nose from hot Fresno summers, and my light blond hair stranded past my shoulders like an angel’s.

Maybe I was beautiful and odd to them in my persistant quietude. Maybe they felt they needed to get a reaction from me.

I would observe them with my Persian-shaped, gray-blue eyes that absorbed and processed their behaviors much too obviously for their comfort. I imagine my gaze could seem unreadable and fathomless.

I had learned early on to avoid the smack of an adult hand by giving away no emotion. If only they had known what a wicked Hell-fire temper I could lash at them, if I’d allowed “spirit” to move me!

I turned away from Biblical scriptures because I witnessed how such people distorted these messages. They used them as reason to stay ignorant while propagating emotional violence and not growing into their true potentials – nor taking responsibility for their actions.

I related more with Jesus and other Prophets, whom as humans had opened their arms wide to their grander life’s purpose, and who had offered good, moral knowledge and positive guidance to societies for enhanced quality of living.

I thought I would be “without ‘God'” for my entire life, though I was reconnected with Source in my early childhood’s near-death experience. Since then, the energy of Hope has always been carried inside of me.

When I met my fiance online in my 40’s, I felt something untapped before near my heart resonate in messaging. “Pay Attention,” it said to me – and I sat up straight and absorbed learning about him, whatever traces I could glean.

When I traveled to Egypt to meet him, it was my first time out of my country, on a Mission for Love, flying on the day of the magnificently burnt-orange solar eclipse, shrouded by the haze of smoke from then California fires.

An omen if ever there was one.

When I arrived in Egypt, the different sense of time and place from that of the United States hit me as if I had just landed on a different planet.

I had eaten wheat on the plane trips over, testing it again on my system, as food options were limited. I instantly regretted it, once I disembarked.

I have emotional reactivity to wheat. I suspect it’s probably from pesticides or genetic altering American farming is known for sponsoring. My brain responds as if having a neurotransmittal allergic reaction, making me susceptible to environmental sensory distortion.

What this translated to was that upon encountering the “natives” of Egypt, the different shapes of the men’s heads and bodies (many covered in thin robes) affected me with sudden paranoid anxiety, as if I was surrounded by aliens and had xenophobia.

It was not a fun sensation to be experiencing, when I was already nervous to be meeting my fiance and had been pleaded with by friends and family to not travel to Africa because they were afraid I would be kidnapped!

However, I was also filled by a sense of “Presence” over that open expanse of heat-ambered sand, and when my beloved began sharing about the Qur’an and his family’s version of Muslim faith, I felt as if I had found a link to God that all my life had been missing.

Three years later upon my return to Egypt (when my fiance broke off our engagement), I still felt a strong sense of “God” and “Family” steeped deep into the land’s environment.

When I returned home, I went to a masjid so far away it took hours to drive to. I prayed to Allah and “His” Angels about what had happened with my loss and what my life had come to.

I admitted to “Him” I could not conform to any one religion, that I would never wear the hijab as symbolism of my dedication, and that “He” has always known I am different from others – so please guide and do not abandon me.

Recently, there have been events where I pray when in difficulty, and it seems I am answered. Even if I am not happy with the initial result, I see it leads to a wiser outcome.

I am not sure what to think about these experiences. My “Path with God” has always been a unique one.

When you walk the path of light, it takes you past most obstacles that people fumbling in darkness have yet to encounter and work beyond.

When you walk in the light, you are afforded vision others do not share, so thus bear the burden by default of great responsibility – often without thanks or comraderie.

To walk in the light is to commit yourself to a lonely road, until hopefully, you meet others like you.

We process our experiences according to internal and external messaging.

There is a tendency for us to clamp down, like a dog’s jaw firm on a bone, in self defensive protection against concepts that threaten our normal state of being.

Even if that bone is rotten and is making us ill by eating it, it is difficult to release it in search of a better one yet unseen.

My writings are musings to help me release the grip of holding onto outdated reasoning.

The idea that I cannot be – and do not have to be – “perfect,” and that I can be learning, just like everyone else.

Figuring out how to remove perfectionism pressure from my need for daily functioning is a riddle unto itself.

Being in a state of transition must be capitalized upon to gain new skills of relaxation and self acceptance, before I launch myself back out into the world.

Working on this now will serve me well in the near future.

Gathering thoughts as impulse around me, I learn to build confidence where I do not have any.

The world of humanity is intimidating, and while I have found kind and charitable pockets, mainstream seems filled with rabidity.

It is my goal to finish my Bachelor’s of Arts in Sustainable Community Development: Community Advocacy, of which I now have only 13 units remaining.

The difficulty has been in affording the cost to do this, while also navigating the chop of repairing security through poverty.

However, my further goal is to pursue and complete my Accelerated Masters in Creative Communication. I am stumbling over blocks to achieve any of this, but preparing.

The key is to activate that dulled spark within me that has been covered by caked-on soot from my heart’s desires receiving constant charring.

As I work toward these goals, I will continue to sluff off damage until I am clear again, actively engaging and progressing.

I’m working my way toward a screen play that hopefully is illuminative while entertaining. For now, it’s on the back burner while I venture to regain resources.

In the spiral cities of a celestial world, bred through millenia, the inhabitants have lost touch with their once human origins.

As a Starseed, I was granted a rare view of their doctrines so that I might compare the disparities between what had now evolved on their world in contrast to Earth’s current “civilizations.”

The Celestials were cut off from their descendants when the interstellar gates were destroyed and Atlantis sunk into the ocean. Only hints of once continuous contact between the realms are shown by traces found in and on Earth’s scattered pyramids.

The survivors trapped on earth after the fall bred with baser beings like demons who took the form of humans. Yet, humans always contained light within them, no matter how the darkness worked toward corruption.

Current humans are more forgetful of their orientation in space and time. They have few trace memories of their true ancestry, as those who destroyed the gates have colluded with the demons to retain power.

Maybe some humans still have ability to “connect.” They certainly do know how to breed. But, few contain advanced intelligence, mired down by hunger’s need to feed upon each other in an attempt to fill the emptiness left behind of their original life’s purpose destinations.

Humans belonged among the stars, but now those left on Earth are being watched, and I was sent as spirit to inhabit a human body to learn as one among them and determine if humanity is worth saving.

Energy is an interesting thing. It flows in many phases, and also builds up within structures of the material plane.

We either use this energy by converting things from one form to another (such as fossil remains to fuel), or by affinity – such as gazing at a sunset, or smelling a flower.

I was very ill a couple of weeks ago when my intestines froze / stopped working. For two days, I just lay in bed, hardly eating, drinking, or moving because my system was in toxic shock.

Environmental factors over three days caused this: a half cup of imbibed cabernet wine, heavy in sulfites; consumed boiled yellow onion and potato juices with a heavenly roast; and breathing in too large a quantity of spores from mildew and molds while driving a once-stagnated vehicle.

My system balked at the overload and just shut down. It was an excruciatingly uncomfortable state to be in.

When things began slowly moving again, I did not feel like I was really getting better, no matter how I tried to influence the equation with electrolytes, chewable papaya, etc.

Then, my son and I stopped by an esoteric beads-and-more shop before heading home from a trip one day. Inside, there was this large, raw, white crystal that fit perfectly into my hand and that I felt drawn to.

I had to have it. It had such a comforting feel to it, as if I were gasping for breath and it provided oxygen. It just soothed my senses and reminded me of how vital I used to be and feel.

I sat it on my lap all the way home. I lay with it on my stomach anywhere I felt blocked, once I climbed into the sheets on my bed.

I held onto its presence and told my cells to align with its beneficent purity. I put a prayer out to guide me and my body back to dynamic functionality.

Whether feeling affinity with the crystal shifted focus of my energy due to positive association, or whether the crystal was and is still full of such thrumming energetic harmony, all I know is I am significantly gaining my strength back on levels that were before denied to me.

The presence of this crystal has been like a dear friend come to stay with me, giving me a sense of love and light and warmth through these darker days of my life.

Its radiant and clear brilliance in the sun, revealing rainbow spectrums along fractal planes within it, mirrors how I want to be living more in a purified en”lightened” state of being – full of colorful vivacity.

I recently had a pet caregiver tending to our animals while we went away for a trip. While we were gone, she left one of the cats loose in our house instead of putting her back in the cattery, refusing to capture it.

She did not leave it with the litter box on the porch placed inside, and I came home to my bed being crowned with cat poo and saturated by urine through layers of blankets, sheets, mattress protectors, and into the expensive foam pad.

The cat also peed on piles of sheets in folded laundry, and on our nice loveseat couch. We were lucky she did not get injured by a fan we left on – which with an untended cat can be an electrical fire hazard – and that she did not decide to go after our beta fish in bowls, or try to get the gecko in its cage.

Arriving home late at night to this disaster, we also noted that our chickens were in distress from not having enough food and water. They have been recovering from some sort of illness and needed to have plenty to help their immune systems regulate.

The lady did not apologize for leaving the cat out, stating she had better things to do than chase a cat. She did not apologize for the resultant damage, and said there had been “adequate” food and water when she’d come by in the morning, rather than filling dishes and containers as I had asked her to.

Every person I’ve spoken with about this situation has said they would not pay her for that week due to all the damage that was caused by her apparently willful negligence. She even attempted to hide under her normal business contract as an extension to the favor of helping me out (which I did not sign for my home) that she claims protects her from any liability.

I offered to pay her for half of her two day visits to be more than fair to her at least partial efforts to help me, though her negligence would cost me several hundreds of dollars if I were to replace everything that now smells of cat excrements.

I wanted her to feel appreciated, yet to share the burden of responsibility. To honor me in return by taking accountability.

She basically told me to go F*** myself and felt wronged no matter my efforts, determined I should pay for everything – and then refused any payment.

If I sent her a money order for the full amount she would have earned, does that help anything?

Some would argue, then how is any lesson learned?

But, maybe I already made my point, and her harsh, unyielding reaction is indicative of a woman who has experienced too much suffering in her life.

Perhaps there is no winning, but an attempt by my gesture to provide any soothing could be worthy.

A simple note with the money saying, “Thank you. I appreciate your efforts.”

i’d expect nothing in return, for her pride is likely too wounded, and she’d need to be boastful “how she won our disagreement” by withholding ending things amicably, as I’d requested.

“No one sees when the unicorn bows before them, as its horn that could damage instead yields its blessings.” – Me

I already won the game by her attempts to leverage me being thwarted so all she could do was fold.

It isn’t fun for me if we are not both winning. I’d rather leave the relationship with her feeling redeemed.

(I ended up not sending payment, and leaving the issue alone – as her “middle finger” requested. It seemed more important that she get to resent me.)