Anxiety

I think mine is a complex mix of guilt and shame that I ought to no longer be carrying.

I take other people’s needs too seriously…I pay more than I should internally because some have suffered and now do not trust.

It’s as if I carry the debt of previous transgressors to those I have a lifelong tie to (parents, friends from childhood) who in a way manipulate me by projecting their distrust and fear onto me.

Because some other “dog” should have been disciplined, I am supposed to whine and grovel in their stead.

This messaging is from the abuse I experienced in my early years, and these people were a part of that time and events, so I get triggered into this mindset by how they still speak with me.

I slip back into the role of accommodating to make up for their sense of being victimized – and if I do not do this, I get the sense I am seen as not being committed to our relationship.

I’m “a slaggard, a fool, unloving, irresponsible, working against, and/or out to get them.”

I’ve always wanted people to be able to heal and rise above their emotional poverty.

I want people to feel loved and redeemed, so I am willing to help give them a step up to next levels of succeeding.

But, I have to stop bowing before them spiritually – and letting them step on me.

Ultimately, their happiniss and well being is not my responsibility.

And if we cannot rise up, together – if they are pushing me underwater while I try to save them from drowning – this is not the best position for me.

It is hard to stay on dry land while observing others needing help treading their emotional seas.

Maybe at most, I can take out my boat and offer a lifeline for them to crawl out into the air and sit beside me.