Month: October 2021

Last night, we let the cats stay out with us instead of in their own cattery, and surprisingly, my female and male stayed on the bed with me.

He was at my feet or in-between my legs, sleeping outside my covers, and she nestled in some curled positition gainst my head, neck, or shoulders, kneading into my neck and purring.

He is my rough-and-tumble, brown tabby guy: the harder I pet, massage, and gently pull on his tail for spinal tension release, the better.

She is my queen: silver and soft furred – and seems to adore me, though I don’t know why since I’m always moving in a blur past her.

You’d think that after an evening of such love given to me, I’d wake up refreshed and in a good mood.

But my hound had been jealous in her crate all night and kept waking me up, trying to get attention.

In the morning, I had a sudden panic attack when I thought about driving with the trailer and getting our stuff and pets out of here.

Luckily, my ex -husband picked up the phone and was a sounding board for me to break-it-down a bit, and relieve some fear.

After we hung up, I spent the next two hours going over details of the moving pieces, working the problems I could see and searching for solutions.

Then, I pushed outside, fiesty and to the point – moving things around, caring for the animals, and making sure the dogs got exercised before I left them with youngest to run errands in town.

I wasn’t calm or relaxed while driving and listening to “The In-Between” on replay while getting into its best passionate moments. And when I arrived at a stoplight, my angst diverted to a man and woman directly across the street from me in front of an office.

They seemed to be discussing the plants in huge pots outside, as if he was her contractor.

I noticed he had a strong beer belly and red face, denoting possible frequent beer consumption, and I thought, “how like this region where we’ve lived around others living unhealthy lifestyles.”

Then, I saw something as the light turned green and my path curved me left in passing them.

They were laughing as if teasing.

He leaned down as she looked up chuckling – and then she looked shyly away.

She looked up again and paused, realizing he’d tried to kiss her.

Then she reached for him as he leaned down again – and they kissed!

Right there, in front of traffic, unaware that all could see.

My heart melted.

I had just witnessed two people falling in love.

When we turned onto the road leading to home deep within the mountains, my heart gave a shudder.

Anxiety? Exhaustion? Susceptability to impressions?

As we traveled up – then down the first long road, we swerved around as passed a furry body.

I thought it was a possum, and turned around – not wanting to leave it there to the disgrace of passing vehicle mutilation.

Car parked to the side at night with emergency lights flashing, we discovered it was a small fox of red and blue markings that died of head trauma.

The blood on the road was both deepest-dark maroon and orange-red paste-paint glistening.

How strange…the lighter color must have been mixed with brain fluid.

As I carefully lifted its small heaviness, then lay it down in graceful running position on the shoulder’s rise against a fence, its flopping head brushed against my left hand nuckles where the bag’s handles left them exposed.

Blood marked me, there…blood of an innocent.

Maybe that’s why when we got home and the cats began ping-yowling at me every 1/2 second – I just lost my cool and began yelling.

In order to join with another’s vision, I must know them and their character.

I must know why they are pursuing their cause and what outcome they wish to obtain.

And, I must have identified – without any doubt – that they are real (not a scammer), and that their vision is worthy.

I will not investigate, nor put my time and money in any direction that does not meet these requirements – no matter the promised or missed-out-on yields.

I cannot afford excursions onto extra ledges without provable reassurances when I’m already working so hard to make my life more stable.

This position has made my current gains possible, while proving that I still have what it takes to improve my life circumstances – my way.

As I transition to a new life, I’m amazed at how the last three years imposed onus of self negation.

I am affected daily by the significance and limitation of money.

Participating in the prohibitively-restrictive Unemployment and government economic support programs has yielded lessons in compounded suffering.

My being craves reasons for why I have had to experience such systems repeatedly, from different life positions.

What can I do with this information – except sympathize and become an advocate for others?

Yeck…whatever role I play must be outside revisiting feelings of deep desperation.

I just can’t take the associated hardship and exposure to thematics of trauma, anymore.

However, I have been a unique participant, compared to multitudes of people less adaptable.

Each time I’ve been shoved back into poverty, I’ve worked to refashion my income generation strategies while redesigning my skill sets.

Most of society that gets pushed to the side has no concept of how to do this, innovatively.

And when you’re bombarded by too many survival emergencies (and the shame and loss depression), there’s often little safety or space to think clearly.

A fragile fantasy budding is that maybe these experiences have honed my perceiving the energetics and useful applications of money.

When you have little, you can try and use it “wisely” by nose-to-grindstine bill paying (ouch!) – or you can apply toward moving to a better level.

It’s messy, with later credit cleanup needed, but if a person doesn’t pour what they have into leaving, they’ll stay trapped in the system of limitations.

These programs’ flaws keep people dependent.