Month: October 2021

I haven’t yet, but am considering joining Costco because they occasionally have something I need that I can’t find elsewhere.

Thrift stores often yield shoes, pants, and dress shirts that have been gathered by others from afar, but are then discarded as no longer desired.

I flit between health stores, seeking my favorite products; the same with grocery stores for animal food or best produce.

There is no one place that provides everything as I wing like a bird gathering its forage..

I kept trying to fit in, nestling comfortably for times into the grooves where others went – only to find the tracks grown shallow as they would slip me off onto the nearby grasses.

How many times have I longed to be on campus, soaking up education’s religion to then find my semester cut short by external interferences?

Despite attempts to be like others, I have had to accept that my path is very different. When I make decisions as if it isn’t, nature takes my hand and guides me right back into the forest.

Studying online yields flexibility, and working independently enables versatility.

If I stick to being unique, I avoid conflict.

I just somehow got a wiff of one – likely an impression made up of the smoke and incense combatting its heaviness, combined with heater filaments.

I do not like eating it, looking at it, nor working in any way with it.

It is said that eating liver provides many health benefits.

I used to watch my mother cook organ meats when I was a child and thought she was nuts: they smelled, looked, and tasted awful!

When I was trying a special diet, I read that juicing raw liver was supposed to be like an elixer.

Have you ever tried shoving liver down a juice hopper? The blood went everywhere – like a horrendous massacre!

No…some things just are not right to mess with.

We arrived home to find four of our roosters had been taken by a predator(s) which found ways to infiltrate the coop.

The cycle of ease and plenty from summer is gone – just like that – and replaced with lack, worry, and insecurity.

The bitter-moist frost hangs upon and bites in the air, penetrating muscles as they contract – making movement more difficult.

The neighbor above us now begins his evening fire in the fireplace ritual, sending a blanket of choking, acrid smoke smothering us with no relief until maybe two in the morning.

Every season brings its own challenges, but winter here is the most brutal.

As we prepare to leave, we see nature gathering its forces for a next level.

I think mine is a complex mix of guilt and shame that I ought to no longer be carrying.

I take other people’s needs too seriously…I pay more than I should internally because some have suffered and now do not trust.

It’s as if I carry the debt of previous transgressors to those I have a lifelong tie to (parents, friends from childhood) who in a way manipulate me by projecting their distrust and fear onto me.

Because some other “dog” should have been disciplined, I am supposed to whine and grovel in their stead.

This messaging is from the abuse I experienced in my early years, and these people were a part of that time and events, so I get triggered into this mindset by how they still speak with me.

I slip back into the role of accommodating to make up for their sense of being victimized – and if I do not do this, I get the sense I am seen as not being committed to our relationship.

I’m “a slaggard, a fool, unloving, irresponsible, working against, and/or out to get them.”

I’ve always wanted people to be able to heal and rise above their emotional poverty.

I want people to feel loved and redeemed, so I am willing to help give them a step up to next levels of succeeding.

But, I have to stop bowing before them spiritually – and letting them step on me.

Ultimately, their happiniss and well being is not my responsibility.

And if we cannot rise up, together – if they are pushing me underwater while I try to save them from drowning – this is not the best position for me.

It is hard to stay on dry land while observing others needing help treading their emotional seas.

Maybe at most, I can take out my boat and offer a lifeline for them to crawl out into the air and sit beside me.

It is a concept that has been held at bay while others leveraged positions above me – ridiculing my excellent efforts, while criticizing my merits.

I have just completed my second week at my new place of work, and I can easily say that I am beginning the foundation upon which I may rest at each day’s end, looking back and owning this word – with a grin.

Watching and waiting for that “right timing” that says, “Yes. Go now…”

This has been a long time coming – sensing stasis field on personality beginning to lessen its hold, as my mind begins breaking free from prior constraints.

Somehow, through my maintaining at least minimal awareness by tracking events and occurrences, I’ve managed to create a thread of consistent continuity inside me that pushes at the surface of this reality, squirming its way to fit through cracks and crevices, reaching into the light.

We have been the life-forces generating “electricity” which powers the old paradigms still gripping. They suppress our psychology while being dependent upon our compliance.

Their influence will fade away when we no longer give them our attention – as we side-step to smoother-flowing, relevant information that actually improves our states of being.