Month: October 2021

On the surface, we show others only pieces of who we can truly be.

Often times, it is easy for others to misread our intentions, mainly because they rarely ask for clarification and just input what they observe into their prebiased processing.

It’s a natural phenomena, and we all fall into doing it.

I am learning to communicate better – slowly and with much effort, as it is confusing while tripping over “thou shalt nots” in my own programming.

What I have found so far in my relationships is that I have been rejected because my prospective partners were not ready for what I offered.

And, part of me has felt that I have needed to hide what I want and need.

You could say, “He didn’t want you” and blame any of their lack of commitment to me being because I am “flawed.” I have certainly borne enough of this concept’s burden as I have watched each man choose to chase “simpler” things.

But, I think we are each made of combinations of tendencies, and our right partner is that someone with whom our own calibrations can blend into their paradigm more smoothly.

In other words, I need a guy who values my capabilities and is not threatened by the truths that I see. In fact, I need someone as eager as I am to see, understand, and desire fashioning better realities.

How will I recognize him, and he me, amid the tangle of so much mixed-messaging?

When we arrived here, I knew we were lucky to have a haven in nature – even if it meant our shower walls were crumbling and producing mold, the trailer was severely slanted, and winters were bitterly cold.

I determined to make the best of it and learned how to tend the land, attempted to fit in with the locals, and took command of our options.

But, as soon as we arrived, I felt way back then it was over for me and my fiance.

Something about my moving here to procure us a home, and maybe the hardships I’d endured dissuaded him. Maybe it was his exhaustion in holding on through everstretching unknowns. Maybe it was we were now so far from our dream of San Francisco.

I remember gazing out at the forest night through the kitchen window, catching a glimpse of my reflection – worn and haggard as the truth hit me hard before years since finally proved it.

Broken, I guess, was the feeling. For when you go beyond your best to create miracles where none existed before, being unwanted in your triumph is devastating.

It is no wonder I could not stomach doing the dishes and had anxiety when veering near cooking. Food insecurity equals uncertainty in ability to receive life’s nourishment.

I balked at having a desolate future.

Out on the water, there’s nothing to guide me but watching the flotsom as it floats next to my vessel, neither clear not hinting at our direction.

A calm haze briefly settles, yet feels greater than time itself as I struggle to rest within muffled anticipation.

Cells take stock, preparing readiness to manage soon rush of heroic adrenaline as movers will not be called, and I will orchestrate everything.

It would be nice if only one trip were possible and needed funds were saved, but how would we get up the hill with a massive truck and car trailer?

Working with knowns and unknowns in such a life-change endeavor can at times seem mind boggling.

How can I be a thing of grace and beauty once all my energy is given away by healing others, and all that is left is a tormented, worn soul plagued by migraine’s burning neurology – disallowed from disconnecting for rebooting after a day’s triumph?

Higher purpose forces writhing remnants forward through darkened hell-fire streets where gaiety is a facade passing before me – noted, but unfelt, when all that is left is limping, throwing it’s dwindling strength against entropy.

Complete the tasks ever mounting. Drag thine scourgeous remains into battle. Hack at hydra-atic vines beyond weariness of ashes’ bones.

Chop…Claw…Maim – or there’s no tomorrow – muttering out loud to one’s self and shrieking in ire’s consternation.

Sleep deprivation magnifies flaws in a soul once considered worthy…