Aleviation

Being responsible for my parents’ satisfaction was a goal I could never achieve.

They are by nature easily dissatisfied, and I did not have the support nor power to fulfill their needs.

Plus, they are very powerful, so their “depending” on me while being completely capable plied at my boundaries, when I was already bending to be overly flexible.

From their point of view, they were frustrated because I could not fulfill their ideals of “simple” needs.

They had the money and resources.

They had the partnership and it was their property.

Every step I’d try to take on their behalf, they’d interfere with by vying for control, attempting to puppet my strings.

Oh! How they’d sigh in reminiscence for the previous lady catetakers’ competence!

Well, yeah – they gave her the authority and autonomy necessary for her to succeed.

They never fully trusted me, which imposed a constant sense I was trespassing as a burden, and just a “child in need.”

It was conveyed by their language, in talking-down-to-me tones, and by projected undercurrents of their own past wounding.

I was responsible for their feeling safe, secure, and healing – but they kept hamstringing my abilities to provide this.

I was placed in a situation where my energy was constantly drained without replenishment, leaving me the target of negative criticism.

What makes me thrive was absent. Nonexistent.

I had to keep recreating mere remnants of it, while the circumstances kept making me bleed.

Being away from all of that now leaves an ache that feels hollow.

A person gets used to the weight of chains: they feel like “home” in the absence of genuine affection.

Yet, now that I am breaking free and working on getting back for final cleanup, it is amazing to just focus on my own family.

My youngest and I put in a lot of growth together there – individually and regarding our relationship.

We still have the occasional squabble, but for the most part, we are getting our routines calibrated.

I am finding it helps that I no longer have my parents’ expectations crushing me.