Starting Over

I skimmed across mention of a Type-C personality.

My impression was that this is a person who schedules their own lifestyle flow, according to the best support of their creativity.

This kind of takes a back seat for me.

Not just because of work needed for income, but because of adrenal depletion.

Once I am up and moving, I tend to keep going until my energy is beyond flailing.

I don’t know when to stop because everything seems important when there’s so much to get coordinated and progressing.

Plus, these past three years I was apparently fighting deep depression and crushing anxiety.

Not that it was always cycling in my head – in fact, I was in denial that I had any.

This is because it is important to me that I stay functional.

I do not like masticating when I could be innovating.

But, once we had arrived to the mountain, I was hit by a weight I struggled to manage.

Every day, it was on me – attempting to suppress and suffocate.

My body reacted by locking down muscles to slow movement, as if preparing for immanent attack.

We had just moved to predator country: bear, cougar, and rabid man.

We found ourselves not only 20 miles over hard terrain from any town, but 2 hours away from sensical civilization!

My mind and emotions were on high alert and negative reactive, as if we were nearing doomsday.

I was probably picking up on why people move to and have stayed there.

I think my being’s awareness just understood integrally that we had arrived to a dead-end situation.

No pun intended.

And somewhere, deep inside, I was screaming to be released from that situation.

Devotion to my parents complicated.

So now, the lingering effects are that I must rest – then rest again, when there is not something absolutely pressing.

I just gave too much at the cortisol shank bank.

For example, I was going to jump into the shower, but then had another thought to write.

My posture felt fatigued, so I crawled back into bed until the thought was captured.

Now, back comfortably nestled on the heating pad as l allow my body to relax again, I realize I still feel exhausted.

So, when I think of working closely with a person I greatly admire, I think about his schedule.

I think about his eating patterns and workout regime.

I think about his daily performance and the sleep loss he’s enduring.

And I ponder how I could even sync up with that kind of lifestyle.

I am simply where I am in my healing, and I would have to contribute independently.

I cannot ever let myself get this depleted again.

I need a life path that ensures my continued recovery.