Month: November 2021

At one point, the young woman is invited to stay with a man who is stable, well educated, supportive, and desiring to care for her and her daughter in a bonded, romantic relationship.

After many deflected attempts, he asks her to go out on a date with him. Though by then she has warmed up to him, finds him attractive on many levels, and wants to – she denies him.

Her reason, which she openly, though tremulously explains, is that they would not be on equal levels because she has become dependent upon him.

She recognizes that she needs to feel capable and in control of her life cirumstances – as well as have her self confidence restored – in order to best fully participate.

I was delighted to find this was scripted, as it has been a recent discovery about myself in my own journey.

However, much of the criteria or foundation for one’s self confidence can tend to become based upon extetnal factors and uncontrollable circumstances.

I am not sure these influences should weigh so heavily upon our self esteem.

But, I will say that being on the edge of constantly grueling poverty does make it hard to say, “Pick Me!”

Whilst initially I had dread and increased tension, if something seems prospectively viable, I will investigate and work the situation to solution.

I can’t just let an opportunity go by because it initially imposes pressure – even if my system begs me to.

I don’t know if this is a flaw in my operation – that I test to better define inner messages.

Maybe I ought to go in a different direction when I feel resistance.

But the question is, what kind of barrier is it?

Is it someplace I need to and could grow, or is the flaw something in another’s system?

Having received feedback from another doctor that the first was well known for his competence, and recognizing that the biggest barrier I perceived is that I need to brush up on anatomical terminology, perhaps this is a challenge worthy to attend to.

The other part is that I’m not sure I can trust the office.

Will they accept me and treat me honorably as their own, or will they use and then reject me?

The fact they are further testing and vetting me could be a good indicator that they have good boundaries.

Perhaps this could also mean that once I’m invited to join them, I’ll be included as part of the team’s family.

I am not sure what kind of compass Spirit works based off from.

(That was a grammatically challenging sentence – did I get it right? Lol)

Though it may have the ultimate goal in mind with the best of intentions, I suspect that it at times forgets that I still have to “put bread on the table” daily.

When I think about the last office I worked for and analyze what fit for me, I liked the clients being brought to me, and the income flow’s diversity.

It was fun and useful – highly applicable to my current needs and situation – to always have some sort of money trickling in.

And, I felt happy there because I was able to spend at least a full hour with each client, with a time buffer between ending with one and beginning the next.

I did not mind back-to-back bustle, and I thought I’d found a genuine team to collaborate with.

What I am finding so far in its place are offices that want to chop up sessions into incremental pieces.

And, they want me to work at higher intensity and capacity, for less pay.

If I were to work their full time version, my adrenals at this point would again hit burnout.

Look.

It would be different if, say, I were working at a movie studio and under timelines of accomodating people.

Why do I say this?

Because it would be exciting with a sense of purpose.

There would be a shared interest and a common goal toward supporting people in their being creative.

Then again, the pressure might be from odd hours and too many clients – at random rushes.

I am getting the signal that I ought to, indeed, open my own office.

But, initially, there is not that needed income security as I’d build my client base.

And, the pandemic is still an issue.

The migraine is telling me something.

It started with tense muscles – yet, the tension had a certain frequency.

The kind that jangles nerve endings and escalates into inflammatory pain.

It’s a combination of psychological distress when I’m pushing beyond comfort levels in a direction not good for my body.

It’s the junction where denial includes overstretching boundaries.

It’s an instinctual alarm system that something is not right for me.

And, it is hard to take seriously when the situation seems dialed in, professionally.

i appreciate consummate business practices.

These appeal to me.

But, I should not be pushing beyond my limits right now.

Especially while I am still healing.

Out on-the-sea of dis-par ri-ty
Where hopes and dreams fall as-suuun-der

You will see what-was-once cap-tive
Now re-leased on waves’ rol-ling thuuun-der…

It can go faster like a chant game and get raucously silly with boot stamping and bottle smashing, then slow down again with earnest sincerity.

The two chiropractors I have worked for allowed sick people into the office during this pandemic, and when I’ve become sick as a result, they fired me.

The first client allowed in still smelled sick and his skin was slick as soon as he got on my table.

He had just had COVID, but proclaimed himself over it – while his family was still in quarantine. My employer thought COVID was a hoax designed to control Ametican businesses and derided my caution, so I could not terminate the session.

I believe I caught the virus from this client, for he was the only direct exposure I’d had, and for the next month, I fought off an aggressive draw on my immune system with herbs and vitamins to keep symptoms from developing.

The second office, here in a new town, let a client in who had a strong cold for over a week and still had symptoms of coughing and congestion.

This is when I was still moving, had already exhausted my immune system, and had to walk/jog home at night along the freeway after I caught it.

The cold got deep into my system, and when I let the office know I was infectious and questioned their sick policy, asking why they’d let the client keep the appointment, they also fired me.

I am concerned now that this is a thematic with chiropractors. Two different offices, in two different regions, have not followed strick screening policies against clients being sick – and I have paid for it.

They have also presented as supportive team players – then given me the ax suddenly, instead of collaborating.

I don’t need to keep nursing the feeling of taking it so personally – even though it is personal when people lie and sabotage your safety and financial security.

But, I do wonder if it’s even possible to find a competent office to work for – and this has me worried about sticking with this direction.

Employment is not secure when “throw away” societal standards are allowed.

It was wonderful to think you believed in me, and I appreciated how you saw the value in my survival’s ingenuity.

You seemed to not judge that I shopped at thrift stores, because one can find quality clothing there from all over at better prices than you’d find if you looked for the same items in many towns.

You rode beside me, checking in, through all these hardships of unemployment and moving to a town where our family would not have fit in, nor would have been accepted.

You fought to come back to me, everytime you were sideswiped by your culture and family for wanting to be with a woman older than you, who was an open-minded American.

But, you left me, in the end – and I’m left to feel shame all around.

Shame for the position I keep getting put into.

Shame for the way other supposed business “professionals” treat me without common decency.

And I look back at the life I offered you, where we would have had deep happiness between us – but it would have been pounded on by these hardships of financial insecurity, and people’s bias against our union.

It is one thing to say that we could have been like Khadija and Muhammad, sharing a love so rare and true.

It’s another thing in this modern materialism for you to be content with less because I cannot provide for you.

I am worn out by the constant struggle, and realize I would have carried this burden now for three people – not just two.

And once you had arrived here, the local masjid would have called you in and further indoctrinated you.

I see now that there was never a real chance for me and you because my spirit doesn’t give up – nor bow to hypocritical belief systems.

I dig for the truth and endure against societal brainwashing’s persistence, unsatisfied until I break through.

I cannot expect – nor further ask – the same of you.

“They shouldn’t have done that to you – they should have at least spoken with you about it!” exclaimed an older, beloved client.

“Yeah, but my last employer did something similar. It seems to be a theme.” I lamented.

“I should have a word with them – afterall, they’re supposed to be good Christians!”

“Look. I really appreciate your wanting to do this for me, but don’t think for one moment that if you challenge them, they won’t terminate your relationship with them as a client.

I’ve also seen this happen, and they like you. Don’t sacrifice yourself for me.”

(Conversations in my mind…)

“Why didn’t you stand up for me?” she asked the other doctor.

“Because I don’t ‘shit where I live!'” he replied, adamantly.

“You mean, you don’t stand up for others, if it hurts your own skin…”

(Conversations in my mind…)