Month: December 2021
(Everybody Wants You – Billy Squire)
Avalon
Many moons have passed,
Yet still, I wander as if lost,
Listening for the answers
To my heart’s calling out
Beyond misty shadows.
(The Drift)
(Coming Of Age)
The Burning Blade
When the healer worked on the woman’s body, the woman was surprised to find that her heart was tethered through to back of her left shoulder – as if by a burning line of golden fire.
As the healer moved on, the woman found pain in back of her right shoulder that she had not known was there, which once released, swelled renewed vitality.
Now unified, her shoulders’ strength felt as if ablaze, and her arms craved to ignite and wield the Blade of Justice to cut through the Gordian Knot of all illusions.
(Let The Bodies Hit The Floor)
Self Redefining
In order to heal the rifts inside of me and no longer live as aspects of self identity taking turns then reshuffling, I am having to allow my pieces to catch up to me.
I do not enjoy this process because what I am finding is the hardened, wisened warrior woman brings the real age of fifty like a heavy suit of armor laid upon me.
I do not want to be crushed by what has happened to me.
I am resilient in my core – just having difficulty in accessing
How is it that in two month’s time my side hair strands go from red-brown-blond to lighter highlights – now entwined with silver?
I have been using a new shampoo since our arrival, and it is stripping away whatever illusions before covered me.
My light is beginning to shine more clearly, slowly reemerging.
Yet, to be “of age” comes with greater responsibilities than I have already had to take on.
I am having to dodge and weave around society’s pre-expectations and the harsh incongruities already experienced.
I am still that youthful girl who had everything time and again taken away from me.
I deserve my chance to shine – to not be relegated to wrinkles and dottering because “Oops, so sorry, time is up for you.”
F*** you, you laughing hyena of a trickster!
I will not be robbed of who I am any longer!
The Gift Of Me
Whenever I have gone to a stylist, they have always tried to alter my visage in a way that completely abandons my unique expression.
Today, I went to a young woman who actually listened to my natural approach of growing and managing my tresses.
Because they are now longer, their curls were flattening under weight and I had lost the flow around my face that I have been cultivating.
Usually, I have been told tht if I want a certain shape, my hair must be shortened and layered in ways I just don’t like wearing.
But, she kept my length and layered by two innovative ways to where at the end of the cut and style, youthful me was reclaimed!
As a true professional, she took away the excess weight and restored my own beauty.
There I am again in the mirror, staring back – smiling and happy!
(How The Past Two Years Have Felt)
(That’s The Way I’ve Always Heard It Should Be)
Insanity
Being taught you should become something you were never meant to be.
Exile
Once experienced in body, mind, and spirit, it is hard to readjust to society’s merits.
Ostracism
Ostracism was an Athenian democratic procedure in which any citizen could be expelled from the city-state of Athens for ten years. While some instances clearly expressed popular anger at the citizen, ostracism was often used preemptively. Wikipedia
(A Change Would Do You Good)
Starting Over Again
Ack!
I want to finish what I have already fought to have begin!
Yes!
I am “attached to outcome!”
(You Are Enough)
The Prize
Love is the deeper game, my dear.
Having More Children
I want this – God, how I do!
I can’t explain it except I am still capable and my body and soul yearn and are willing.
But, I hesitate when I look back upon what’s happened to me.
I have almost “lost myself” time and again – and surely have had my own needs shelved while consigned to single parenting.
There must be immense supports available and ready for me sustainably, were I to undertake such a feat again.
Most importantly, I would need my husband’s compassionate understanding.
I have been left out in the cold for years and am “starving.”
To get the best from me, he would need to give his love to me openly.
I can no longer play mind games around fealty if I wish to reclaim full sanity.
Yeah, I am a little unhinged these days – but this makes me also quite funny.
Type A To Type C
My “super duper achiever” mode has always been nagged by something trying to get its attention.
“There is no room for creative outlet if your goal is to always ‘achieve'” is the message.
Creativity requires its own time and own methods for expression’s exploration in order to reveal its inclinations.
This means, space must be allowed for “time wasted” and “failures” to develop it.
I wrestle with internal dichotomy between my horse brain’s chomping at the bit and bucking to win races, and my inner creative mage frowning at me with arms crossed and foot tapping impatiently as I keep chasing after life’s distractions.
Issues Of Inadequacy
Of course I wrestle with concepts as such.
I have been spit upon and kicked to the curb by people I loved, respected, and trusted.
No matter my own self worth, it labors under the burdens placed by this treatment’s betrayal messaging.
Elitism
If standards for vetting membership are still old school, I must not worry about belonging to this group.
I have already forged and proven my own categories of high rank, which surpass many of their “normal” accomplishments..
Frustration As “God’s Creation”
It is vexing to have such potential, yet to be reliant upon a man to take command.
Like an exquisite violin, I am dependent upon skill of the musician for my beauty to recommend.
An instrument cannot play itself, though it thrums and knows its measure.
Fie at being needful when only lust fills the land!
(Title has multiple meanings.)
How Do I “Know” You?
When I turn to leave, I hesitate – and get pulled back into your game.
(Lost In Translation)
(Run Up!) – Content Warning
(These Boots Are Made For Walkin’)
(This So Called Life)
“Things To Do”
If it is not “on fire,” it gets ignored (if possible) and put on “the back burner” to “stew.”
I do not have many clothes, but what I do wear I like to have look clean and impeccable.
A favorite jacket I always wear lost its side snap – so now, wherever I go, this sinch strap is just waving in the wind, flapping.
It is very distracting and agitating.
Then, my replacement jacket’s zipper is unhinging at the bottom, followed by the zipper handle to it suddenly disintegrating when I pulled on it.
The power of entropic forces surrounding me and rallying for attention is thwarting!
Delight
I got lucky and found an unopened granola bar packet by the stick shift, after searching the car for snack mental reinforcements.
Hilarity
As I pause in a parking lot to look for something in the trunk, the car’s engine shudders and disconnects as its #15 fuse again burns out.
The car no longer ignites fuel as it turns over.
Searching frantically, I find there is one replacement left, so out into the snow I go to put the hood up and dig the burnt fuse out with a nail file.
This is likely unsafe to use, but I have gloves on – and it has worked before, so I stick with this method.
Two minutes later, I am “back in business” with heater full blaring.
The air conditioner unit being turned on for warmth or cooling while parked contributes to the issue.
Knowledge of this does not change my use behavior.
(Kokomo)
“Da-da Da-da Da Da – Neefa Feefa!”
And with our other sick cat’s completed vet trip, the bank account is now empty.
“Thank you…Thank you…!”
(Taking bows before a cheering audience.)
(Walk The Dinosaur)
Twitch
Prescription pain and antispasmodic medications leave lasting effects on my neurology after just one dose.
How the heck do I crack this fuzzy-brained, synaptic overfiring mode?
(Celebration)
A Morning After
Waking up to wild forest witch hair and my tooth brush being dropped onto the ground by youngling accident.
Crazy tree nymph, bad breathed alter ego greets me in the bathroom mirror.
I have been considering getting a curtain to cover automatic reflections.
I need sense of “choice” more in my life, after all.
Cheap Makeup
It is irritating that my eyes are still puffy after several days’ ago wearing.
(Stay 4 Ever)
“Let It Snow”
What bitter-sweet bliss as my muscles sieze in snits as memory rekindles of desperation’s struggles on the mountainside in winter’s paradise.
Here in the city, I can just enjoy how pretty and focus on not slipping – where could be funny albeit painful, instead of life’s triumph vs. death’s anvil.
The Tradeoff
I wonder as I meet new people if maybe I am not meant to be with anyone.
It took me ten years to get here to this new place where the type of resources and opportunities I need and desire can begin to be fashioned.
These things I have sought were only found as remnants and hints elsewhere, and my guiding instinct is tuned to frequencies only it hears.
When I am in a relationship, all I am wants to please my man: there has never been space for this while having my own command.
Men do not often say openly what they would like from partnership to make it easy to match up with them while advancing in one’s career.
Where is the balance that is possible to promote and maintain while attending all that we hold dear?
Analogy
A powerful tool for conveyance, though not meant to be taken, literally.
(Atlas Drowned)
(Achilles, Come Down)
(Carnival Of Rust)
We’re Caught In A (Daze)
Re-Invention
“I Think, Therefore, I Am” is a common genuflection of passerbys on the street as deflecting met affections.
For if we “know” “The Answer,” we never have to question the meaning of life’s purpose, or seek Creation’s true intentions.
Declaration
What am I, but example of time-tested truths, filtered down through countless generations?
“Magical Kingdom”
It is important that humans be allowed to expand and prosper. We are more than our keepers have made of us.
Intelligent Learning
If evil is a viral contaminant, yet has attached its outcome to yielding needed knowledge, how do we shave off the detriment, while keeping essential coding?
Candid Corvid Productions 