If an outcome would cause harm, rework the equation until find a better solution.
Even if there is deemed “immediate threat,” we must have good alternatives for dealing with “perceived” “transgressions.”
We are not God, and therefore, may be missing pieces of the larger picture.
We cannot “control” anything – but we can position ourselves on better terms to fashion a more amenable destination.
When I was a very young child, my nightmares were terrifying. The places they would take me in my powerless vulnerability forced my eyes and heart open to see truths underlying everything while I was so aware of my powerless vulnerability.
I witnessed the torture and murdering, the tearing apart of pure goodness and repeated rape of innocent virginities by an unfathomable lust and rage against beauty that not even killing countless numbers could appease in evil’s insatiably-craving hunger.
Why show me these things – as if I were a soul that had been hopping through lifetimes, leaping frantically while seeking where it could at last find safety in emerging?
I was an isolated unit called by great purpose, but left disconnected from my sisters and brothers to discern meaning.
If they will not “open their eyes” to see, they will curse and blame you for everything challenging.
I have learned that materialism and status mean nothing without true love being allowed blessing.
In my ex’s genetic lineage, a King of Scotland married a Pictish Princess. Her magical ways and knowledge were discarded as trite and trivial things.
Even though my husband carried both sides to this marriage, he rejected me in the same way as his ancestor’s rejecting his wife’s talents and identity, and turned away from his own artistic creativity.
I am from, and was married to, royalty – yet, what has this afforded me?
My birth father and I have had little direct contact. But, when we have, it has been startling to discover how alike we our in the genre of interests we like and personally pursue.
We enjoy a similar range of eclectic music – though vary in our extremes; we are visual creatives drawn to perspective imagery (it is rumoured he used to draw magnificent creations, while I have also manifested potential in by hand dabblings); and we are both healers and musicians in our own venturings.
All of my work has developed on its own, without his influence, so it is amazing to have us cross paths from time to time and witness how we are uniquely developing in our self expressions.
I come from both lines of fragmented families, where pioneering spirit, wildling creative talent, and a passion to claim a better destiny has driven us onward in our quests to claim true identity.
In looking back along branches of my history’s tree, it seems that I am the first to stand firm and attempt to claim gifts given, wrestling so they present in balanced clarity in temporarily-reposed snapshots of tameness.
I am proud of my ancestors, despite their mistakes and foibles, with their willful spirits courageously daring to break boundaries while tripping over societal boundaries into occasional jaunts of seeming “insanity.”
I am the first to fashion of these gypsical journeys philosophical prose and artistic musings more for the mainstream, with both of my parent’s genetic influences still clearly subconsciously nurturing – coming forth with knowledge to convey.
I am a conduit – a willing vessel – yet, also the filter and will state truth, my way.
I think we both have “wild magic” talent, and we must each feel safe in surrounding environments in order to sync well with and manifest it functionally.
We Have Our Reasons For This Season’s Christmas Varied Very Merry Whisps Of Caring Airy Cheer
To Come Together Closely Gathered Trying To Keep Our Families Near.
As We Approach A Brand New Year It Seems The Future’s Draped In Fear
Yet Still We’ll Huddle Round Our Families’ Sounds Because There’s Nowhere Else Like Here.
And Despite All It’s Strife It’s Still A Wonderous Life As Did Our Movie Mentors Show
Though Often Second Guessed We’re So Divinely Blessed Since Guiding Mangers Light’s First Glow.
Prophetic Savior’s Birth Still Spreading Peace On Earth And Sharing Heaven’s Worth Below
As Frankincense And Myrrh Wrapped Up In Pelts Of Fur Offered A Gift That Kept On Giving.
Once Having Showed Remource Side-Stepping Satan’s Course We’ve Just Secured Eternal Living..
❄🙏❄ !! Merry Christmas One And All !! ❄🙏❄
❄💖❄ Love Ya’s! ❄💖❄
I think about some flops I have had that were eeply, painful. I cannot gain fondness for these memories that still have a sting.
The time that I sang rubato so bold, raw, and beautiful in a jazz improvization class with the guitarist following my lead to “Cry Me A River” was amazing.
My eldest was there and got to bear witness to my passionately expressive, well executed version of it.
But, then when the class had our live show, I was not feeling well, one of the last to perform to my song, “Moon River,” and the guitarist played his own rifts for thrill of showing off without connecting with me.
People were ready to go home by then, my throat was constricted, and I was above the audience, rather than singing upward to them in projection.
It was horrible. My ex was there all night waiting and impatient. I had hoped to impress him.
At a later time I asked a fellow peer and a valued instructor to come listen to me in a practice room. Again, my voice seized and I could not perform.
Something about the importance of that moment caused my wild magic to recoil and hide itself.
I was invited to join the choir to keep practicing, but I felt too deeply embarassed..
I look back at those times with chagrin’s cringing and discouraging further efforts
Beef tamales with sour cream, salsa, and guacamole. Trader Joe’s provides!
Learn “A Forest” on my 6 string black beater bass guitar. Yeah, man – “into the trees…”
If Azrael was in the mountains with his mighty sword unbound, Uriel is here with her healing as the snow cascades soft to ground.
While it does not easily muster happiness in my exhausted system for having to spend money for cat’s UTI and bladder crystals I am definitely able to see reason for gratitude on today’s emergency vet situation.
If we were still on the mountain, instead of located here, it would have been a several hour drive, gas, food, and hotel expenses, with danger of driving in snow storm weather.
Instead, it is only ten minutes from home to the vet hospital, and we don’t have to return through poor weather to an aching, bone cold (though beautiful) mountain survivalist challenge with only dead-end jobs and no hope for community, education, or expanding our opportunities.
Our Christmas gift, at sizeable yet comparably discounted rate, is this perspective – and our getting to be on the better side of the equation.
What a blessing, indeed.
Because my system does not tolerate the usual cleanses or herbal products, I have had to be discerning about sourcing particular ingredients. I absorb nutrients best if in liquid form, rather than capsules or tablets, so occasionally combine herbal supplements into a tea for enhanced absorption. Do not follow me, but find what works best for you.
Today’s odd mixture is as follows:
1 Capsule Mountain Peak Liver C
1 Capsule Nature’s Way Fenugreek
1 Capsule Nature’s Way Kidney Bladder
1 Capsule Nature’s Way Beet Root
1 Ground tablet of Planetary Herbals Triphala
1 Capsule Terry Naturally Tart Cherry
1/2 Teaspoon Cherie Sweet H3art Reishi Mushroom Powder
Opened capsule contents are mixed together in a small bowl with hot water to dissolve, then poured and stirred into 3 cups boiling water with 1 Tablespoon of molasses to drink when cooled to warming.
A technique necessary for psychological resilience.
What you want and need personally gets shelved – indefinitely.
I do not resent my charges, I just resent emergencies taking away my options and any room for “imagined” flexibility.
Perhaps it is best to not have any.
They will only let you down.
Life just happens.
This thought does not reassure me.
Wee!
While the neighbors above tromp around at 6am getting ready with their friends for Christmas festivities, I hsve been woken up all night by a distressed child that needs to see a doctor for a sudden skin rash, and at 4am one of the cats began yowling with pain while trying to pee. The emergency vet says it may be a uti or blockage which could kill her, which intervention will cost $300-5000 dollars.
HAHAHA HOHOHO HAHA-HOHOHO!
Because we were out early while waiting for the vet to see our cat, we were able to see the first flake clumps of snow fall with the rain on this Christmas Day.
Firemen tell that when fire in a closed room is deprived of oxygen, do not open the door because it will combust into intense fire’s heat again
When youngling and I walked into a bar this Christmas evening to pick up our takeout order, this is exactly what happened.
I have never felt so mich need’s speculation turned on me as I did went we found our bagged order.
Just then on the jukebox, “Turn me Lose” came on as order.
If I ever thought to find love in a bar, now I won’t try to be foolish!
For the first time in years, this evening I’ve put on makeup: at first looked like Betty Boop with purple lipstick and dark blue eye liner; but now more like Betty Davis with hint of pink lipstick and bronze-gold sheen eyeshadow covering, adding depths to my persians.
I have been watching and learning; pining, and yearning; striving and strategizing; planning and enacting – Now, I am making it clear.
I cry as I write it.
It’s just so tragic, and the heroine compelling.
I want her to win for once – and for All, actually
She deserves opened doors.
When this type of loss happens, it brings the worst kinds of thoughts and feelings.
I have no recipe for recovery – except the hope that I will find love, again.
My fiance did not know about what happened to the ring, for I did not have the heart to tell him, once I’d arrived and became caught in the chop of others’ decisions.
In anything of importance, he kept saying to himself, “It doesn’t matter” – as if resigning himself to facts and conditioning himself to accept them.
But, every time he said and affirmed this, he erased our love and dissolved my identity: I was not important enough to fight for. Our hope was not “worth” being redeemed. Our union had no validity.
My fiance’s mother, after our first meeting and upon my first departure from Egypt, had given me her pearl ring set in a silver clover embedded with tiny diamond chips in its leaves, which surrounded the white incandescence.
On way to our second meeting, my betrothal’s soon dissolution, and tears in my retreating, the gem got caught against something in transit along airports, leaving me with an empty setting as more than an omen of what was yet to come.
It’s important to tell people we care deeply about that we love them.
“Pledging allegiance fealty implies a fidelity acknowledged by the individual and as compelling as a sworn vow. Fealty to the truth loyalty implies a faithfulness that is steadfast in the face of any temptation to renounce, desert, or betray.”
Merrium-Webster Dictionary
In a boat which keeps popping plugs, allowing in bog-to-sink waters, fighting against capsizing waves when the big ships go surging by.
What am I doing out to sea in this worse-for-wear excuse of a hollowed-out dead tree?
I am searching for better horizons in lands where can still claim fealty.
Similar to the unemployment and support agency red tape, attempting to make progress toward procuring one’s Bachelor’s has treacherous footing.
I attended the online college this last summer 2021 and completed 1 unit to get going. Then, the Academic Progress Committee reviewed my file and noted that 13 years or so ago (when my marriage began drastically failing) that I had left the school with that last semester’s attendance incomplete.
So, despite my current attempt to change past “bad” to “good” and leave that “crap” behind – KAWAP! – guess what’s right here in front of me, looming suddenly like a rotting skeleton falling forward into my face from the crypt in Raiders of the Lost Ark?
The committee suspended my ability to attend further, and I had to go through an appeals process, laying my soul bare and explaining why I am a “good and worthy human being” and deserved to still attend.
They let me in for Fall 2021 semester, finally, after paperwork trails interfered with my starting the semester on time, and many departments inadvertently added to the delay process because they each needed forms submitted from me and cross-department authorization to help untangle the bramble this automatic policy denial-of-progress decision caused everybody following system operations.
Upon gaining the approval for re-admittance, my family had to push hard to get out of a dangerous mountain-living and lack-of-replacement-employment location, as I had been fired in March 2021 due to COVID and we lacked access to support resources.
Once we moved to a more promising city, I immediately lost the job I was promised upon arrival because the employer decided he wanted an independent contractor “renter” paying him for office space, instead of his having to pay me as an employee. This put our family into renewed emergency action to prevent losing our housing.
All attentions became diverted toward seeking out resources, networking with community support agencies and our landlord, and procuring COVID Relief Funding to pay for our rent and remaining deposit owed to secure our housing. During this time, I had to drop down from 3 units to 1, and then I had to file for a semester “Incomplete” because fighting to keep housing trumps and wipes away ability to focus on studies.
This last Tuesday (upon at last catching breath as it at last caught up with me from all of this survival “malarkey”), I began planning for gathering information about Bachelor degree options so I may present my case to a funding agency. I believe that finishing online is the best and most efficient course of action for me, but the agency requires collected data and coordinated appointments for joint meeting with school advisors.
If I attend school locally, the semester begins January 3rd, and if I attend online, the semester begins January 11th. Gathering this info, in itself, would have been enough of a pressing timeline emergency. But on Tuesday, I received email notification that I am suspended from attending online – Period – due to lack of completing this semester “as promised.”
I can file an appeal if I don’t agree, but this time it’s more dire. I should say, “even more dire.” Or maybe, “so much more dire,” if you add onto previous dires – and what exact terminology would even convey at this point the level of obscene stupidity in continuously accruing layers of difficulty piling in my way that keep preventing me from just being able to sit down and focus on the studies needed to finish my degree?
It is quite obvious why anyone experiencing circumstances even remotely close to my kind of situation would say “F*** It!” and give up on pursuing their educational dreams.
The damage to one’s confidence when support structures on all sides and underneath one’s feet keep crumbling down is alarming. When emergencies keep redirecting one’s energy and they are not allowed to commission time – or even a brain cell – to focus on proceeding in studies, constant “fight or flight” need for ensuring survival damages one’s belief in their scholastic abilities.
It does not help that policies meant to “weed out” uncommitted students increase barriers against those of us who are dedicated and keep trying to succeed.
Being a positive innovator, I have attempted to maneuver around the barriers to obtaining my Bachelor’s degree by continuing to refashion myself in versatile marketability.
But, when I want to go mainstream, it is always the same: I am prevented from work and passed over without this piece of paper, regardlss of my life experience qualifications.
It has become like a missing part of me, something left behind and vital to securing my representative identity.
It is the verification (like a passport) that I have done the wondrous things I claim, and with it doors may at last be opened for me.
I cannot focus on something so essential and tied into past losses that must be redeemed while hoping to build a new, intimate relationship.
The way I love is deeply and committed, where building solid understanding would come first and foremost in my life’s priority.
I don’t think it would be as difficult to portion my attentions for balance once my Bachelors is acquired and I am moving onto a Masters and other new things.
It’s just that to finish this with so much resisting is like fighting off marauding demons.
I do not have a partner already at my back and lending a hand to support me, therefore, I cannot divert energy to build a partnership when I need my limited energy to ensure I succeed.
Why do I mention this?
I have a hard time, yet again, waiting for love’s opportunity.
Maybe someday it will seek me, and I will no longer have to chase after it.
Candid Corvid Productions 