I found work with a new office and a doctor who has great, effective technique!
Month: December 2021
“Wings”
(#Inspirational)
Art Venues
Here I give background info, while Instagram’s “mysterious.”
Truth In Conversations
It came through as signal bombardment, where every pinged aspect caused some emotional response jangle.
This made it hard for her to filter data and fully understand how to interpret the undercurrents.
She would catch the key highs and ĺows – discerning when something suddenly felt discordant.
But, she had to step back and see it as an interactive whole, rather than pursue to clarify any one tangent.
Anomalies were filed for later reference tracking while engaging by free-form discussion.
“So (Happy Together)”
The Tool I Need
Finding that a gym membership is out of the question and resorting to home exercise, I’ve still had difficulty getting my abs to engage.
But, I just found a thrift store so low priced ab machine that is exactly what I need!
It allows the spine to decompress by letting the lower body hang to one’s comfort preference and to swing up and back and angled sideways naturally.
Arms anchored and stabilized, this will also increase strength in once-compromised shoulder structure.
It seems meant for me!
“Modern Utopia”
Just one store, which used to be of only sports supplement focus, now carries health supplements.
I walked in to check it out and compare to previous version elsewhere experiences.
Immediately I found that the owner carried astragalus tea, emu oil capsules, inulin powder, Zand’s zinc with elderberry losenges, Lifetime Cal-Mag, and arnica gel.
Usually, I have to travel all over the place to find each individual item – or even shop online.
For such a small venue, it seemed designed for me!
Self Advocate
I am used to helping others in need, but it’s hard to help myself when I’m the one affected.
Process
I must not worry too seriously: healing is not always pretty – nor easy.
“Wrecked”
They say there is beauty in the damage, that fierce resilience has a destiny.
But, they don’t talk about the disappointment in one’s self – no matter how valiant or proven – when you can’t stop how surviving against odds just wears on you..
I would think it should be different: there ought to be immediate rewards and release from sense of internal imprisonment.
Not this lockdown still enacted, once I’ve reached new ground.
I should feel proud – not hollowed.
Phasing
I remember what it felt like to be inside the circle, but still waiting.
Waiting for the signal, for the ok that I could play my role.
But the signal was put off – denied – left to whither in the rut of another’s languished awakening.
These rooms entered into by intention can become shallow without another willing participant.
Is it better to stay as a solitary unit?
For then, there are only so many roles one may take, and power of how to act in the rise or fall is clearly in one’s own hands.
I worry I will close off and never take another chance.
I don’t want to be a victim of circumstance.
Life Lessons
Being in love is fun and much safer at distance than living with someone and having mutual happiness resisted.
(Next To Me)
Movie Pick: Must Love Dogs
(Swimming In Your Eyes)
“Joy To The World”
I have an interview this weekend!
Hubris
The man I’d worked for who was younger than me and beginning to fret about his age and graying hair became angry when he asked and found I did not dye my color.
He hid it, but I could see it added to his list of resentments, as if he had something to prove against me. Perhaps it added to the fact I had avoided his desire for an affair…
Money
I can’t believe in it.
It is ever shifting like the wind – as ready to embrace me as to leave me in doldrums, without a boat to paddle.
The Unwinding
He’d have to be more solid than me and willing to help flood me with his inspired vitality.
I’m whisped like a ghost without a body, barely tethered to my own while defensively maneuvering.
“Off My Game”
I have got to get back into an established office environment and into tutoring individual students.
Working on my own is an “extra” bonus, and requires my feeling grounded!
“Old School” Messaging
Marriage is for amassing wealth and raising children: it is in its foundation, a business partnership.
Love and passionate, expressive congruence are for mistresses and foolishness – only worthwhile as daliance.
Never may there be both in marriage, nor may true lovers be allowed ascension.
Reason’s Rhyme
Why must I love you if you can’t be mine?
My heart flies to you outside season’s time.
Perhaps I’m a fool for thinking I must match –
When birds adapt easily to nourishing thatch.
(Multiple meanings)
Within This Shell
I am trapped by this carapice squeezing.
Impinging my neck, pinching nerves, dimming sight.
My mind’s expansion hits barriers of pressure, reeling back from the pain for daring to challenge.
I am limited, confined to complex minutae of survival, which while they promote another day, distract in a way from larger, desired goals.
Ever it seems I am slowly spinning in a drain’s cesspool, yet if I stopped reassembling constructs as degrade, would flush me down into pipes – forgotten.
Alignment
If he and I have similar core values.
If we love the world with open hearts, a passion to care for it, and a desire to see it positively flourish.
If we have a flare for the dramatic and enjoy honing in on the little details and improving our skills.
Are our differences of much magnitude?
Or do our philosphies bridge for maximum mutual engagement?
In The Grist Of It
I am not sure how impressionable I am, but I know I receive strong messages. What exactly is my own idea if I come to know other peoples’ methods?
I tend to hole away into my private escape, determining what is of value. For it is my own voice I must come to know so that I am deep, instead of shallow.
“Elevated”
Look closely…
I Turn To You
Why is it that wherever I look,
Something rings clear as you –
Especially in times of doubt
When I could flounder about?
All I know is that somehow
You’re positively reinforcing
My efforts when I could
Give up on my endeavors.
Created Cogent Reality
In this application I am filling out, the organization has the kind audacity to request from applicants what they would like in return for their help.
I very much appreciate this, as it connects me as a capable contributor toward my community. Today I may need help, but in the future, I may be able to help someone else by giving back or paying forward.
The organization is extending faith in me and expectation that someday I will be able to return to self-sufficiency status – which when you are down in the dirt, makes you look away from “down” into “up.”
I remember speaking with a wealthy acquaintance a while ago who had been irritated that people he helped did not seem to get independent.
I asked him if he ever asked them for anything in return – if he told them what he wanted to see from them, which was what he was not getting now on the tail end.
I got the sense he was flustered by the question, perhaps caught by the conundrum “how can you give with no strings attached if you need to see a result from having given to someone?”
Well, it is tricky, but a way has just been given here as a prospective example. People need to know what is expected in order to provide a comprable result.
They can always say “no” to the request, but at least the question was asked – out in the open – and there’s no more second guessing as to why the result did not naturally occur on its own.
Holding On
One of my case workers asked me what “reward” I would give myself after completing certain important tasks.
At the time, I could think of nothing, for things I would like are a massage to relax my tense muscles, or time in a raquet ball court by myself to meditate and work built-up energy out of my system for rebooting – both of which require money.
Well, they would be the rewards I would desire, you know? Some experiences to boost my sense of being human.
But tonight, as I continue working on applications, I will “settle” for a bowl of iced-over, stale Rocky Road ice cream with added walnuts, and not reacting to vexation until after I’ve submitted these documents.
Reward and self discipline.
“Poor” me.
Friendship
(Senorita)
Someone was blasting this and a violin cover of “despacito” by Andre Soueld near my car.
Trembling Hands
When intelligence is stripped of its power to self govern and driven into relegated corners, it is all one can do to not retaliate – and to keep uncovering sanity that gets hidden by the madness.
“Recalibrating”
A Person’s Value
I had to scramble to find a gas card from a helping agency, and luckily, we may qualify to keep our housing.
I have to use the last of our money to pay for my unrepaired car to be towed long distance by our returning to my parents’ property immediately so they don’t junk it and throw away the last of our belongings.
I pushed back to let me finish cleaning, so they have the place ready for the next tenant and don’t feel the need to sue me. I will have to take pictures to prove I did my duty because they never gave me a final walk through.
It becomes more and more clear why my self worth has been impacted. A child needs parental approval and amicable cooperation – at any age. Not threats and assumptions you have no morality.
(Freestate)
Square Pegs
I am a well-rounded, dynamic shifter – do not force nor constrain me!
Struggling
That, I am.
The Goal
To know myself well enough
To never discount myself
No matter what role.
Leverage
I do not like this game where people pry at others’ weak spots and insecurities in an attempt to upend sense of security and manipulate their obeisance.
It’s a cheap-shot cheat around engaging in honest communication and putting in the needed effort it takes to achieve collaborations.
This approach is degrading to the person it is inflicted upon – and quite honestly, doing this to another person is deplorably self indulgent, and just plain lazy.
Any gains now only create greater losses in the future, for a relationship built on such negative behavior is doomed for eventual failure.
Fairy Dust
The more I come here and share snippet moments, I find that innocence of the child inside me emerges.
Wind In Trees
Emotions are important because analytics do not always address our needs.
“Willow”
Generosity
I’d been on the phone all morning, trying to broker a minor miracle for our family’s situation.
My mind was buzzing and vision compressing from pushing hard against needing to lay down and give into pain my body was experiencing.
My youngest pulled me out into the sunny garden to see the wonders of golden spider web streaming from distant telephone lines in the early afternoon.
Their brilliant streaks of rippling spectrum were dancing in sequence along currents in the gentle breeze.
After we took videos trying to capture the amazing phenomenon (which I will post in Youtube here later), I found that I felt stuck inside my self.
I began to speak out loud about the sensation and emotions related to it, while my youngest listened.
We exchanged experiences of our perspectives over the last several years, and he was kind and pet my back when I began to cry, unexpecfedly.
“I don’t know who I am, anymore,” is what the shell of me was saying. “I don’t feel that I am worth anything.”
What am I – but a remnant survivor of past wreckage?
“Peace Offering”
Held Space
In the garden, I self analyze
As tears fall slow and heavy:
I hadn’t realized the magnitude of
What had been fully put upon me,
For I’d had to create walls of denial
In order to triumph over difficulties –
Until begin to fade by awareness
As I am given space to reevaluate.
(Solid Gold)
Poised
I found out today that, even more, it seems our landlord is a solid gold person.
This doesn’t mean that she is perfect, but that she recognizes what’s important.
She gave me her support and gave the go ahead that we can apply for assistance.
A rare gem – indeed: shrewd, insightful, and compassionate.
(Looking To The Birds)
Last Night’s Dream
It was nice that she was nice.
I could concede she was “ideally” perfect.
But, it didn’t need to be in my face that my ex preferred it.
Candid Corvid Productions 