Holding Ground

I am amzed by how much my Mazlow’s confidence is blown.

Logically, I work through the muddle of emotions and jumbled thoughts to realize and accept it has all been a matter of timing and displacement.

I pushed beyond resources to get us out of California to housing which I had hoped would give us new options and be stable.

When we arrived, I found that my past skill sets were not valued, though I was willing and able.

Struggling to find my new job niche while then eight months unemployed without benefits – and then Snowmaggedon forcing us into unknown survivalism on the mountain really set me back a bit.

Rebuilding and working toward recovery, the pandemic hit a week before I at last received my license to practice – and then everything was forced into lockdown.

When we were released to return to work June 2020, my then three year distance relationship was at direst brink, so all funding I could scrape away from bills went to traveling to Egypt end of September.

Two weeks later, I returned home overextended and bereft to prepare for my youngest needing to go into surgery while an agitated employer then began picking at me for his own worries and insecurities.

Both cars breaking down (which I managed with minimal impact) and my finally contracting COVID from a patient he let into the offuce when he shouldn’t have put an end to my attempts to fit it there.

Now, on our fourth year in this new country and looking back on destroyed credit, huge student loans from the past 25 year “marriage” and family I invested in – and dealing with meager funds due to me being mired in government systems while scammers actively wreck my Paypal account which could bleed the damage into my bank accounts…it all just seems obscene.

It is hard for me to not feel like a failure. My “get up and go” is exhausted, and though I work out, my core is being resistant. My digestion is off and I am carrying too much weight in my stomach region which drags at my posture.

It is no wonder that I withdraw even more deeply into myself. The negativity I have experienced seems to have taken on a life of its own, constantly evolving into some new form as it shifts and renews attacks to break down my natural resilience.

What gains are there in paying it further attention? How do I get out of these coils which keep entangling? How do I snip off these poisonous vines and leave such desperate scrabbling for mere existence behind me?

I am producing light in the darkness while the datkness seems to eagerly absorb my every attempt while attempting to swallow me.

I need to join forces with others like me to magnify our positive capacities and break free of these illusions constraining my abilities.