Month: March 2022

Noticing the cider pub was still open due to recently extended hours, I stopped in for my rare treat, favorite pineapple blend and two snifter tasters of cider slushy.

The one with the rose added was 5% and blended smoothly (my pick of the eve), while the one with 8% and hibiscus had a flavorful bite-kick to it.

Hip hop romance music with the guy singing about his girl crew, etc., and stunt bicycling on the big screen while chatting with the low-key evening bartender who remembered me was relaxing.

No pressure to socialize or being hit upon by easy players and/or desperados, nor overt competition from the latest gaggle of hussies.

Just some college kids returning their sample trays with friendly politeness, and the rest of the scene openly inviting.

It is a strange phenomenon to meet people online and by texting who are willing to play a part to gain whatever it is that they want to gain, yet once they have “tried on” what they thought they wanted – or have led you down a wrong lane – they no longer play the part, yet still want to keep you clinging.

It must be about attention – both in the giving and receiving. The acting out and believing. The imagination creating scenarios to which someone is cleaving.

Perhaps there is a rush to it – much like in acting: from nothing now becomes something.

(Title reference to the animation series)

Though I have huge internal resistance and no more patience in my bone dry well of perseverance, it is by sheer determined will power that I must keep climbing out of the hell’s sinkhole which keeps collapsing again around me every time I make it to some “surface” and think I have acquired “solid ground” again.

Looking behind me, that is quite an impressive trench stretching into the past – and let me clarify that there seems to be no end to repeated heaps of internal vexation I am feeling.

I guess I can measure it now by wether or not I am actively cursing aloud – but that is pretty much the slim variance I keep facing.

Am I cursing aloud? Oh, I crossed the line.

Am I not cursing aloud? Oh, I am a marginal inch to the side.

I just have to deal with each poisonous vine and hack pieces away from tips, then turn away to hack the other ones reaching out to grab me as the previous ones regrow in their snits.

At some point, without progress, these vines have got to get weary of me and seek other nutrients.

Is there a spell caster about to return them to their once peaceful origins?

I am amzed by how much my Mazlow’s confidence is blown.

Logically, I work through the muddle of emotions and jumbled thoughts to realize and accept it has all been a matter of timing and displacement.

I pushed beyond resources to get us out of California to housing which I had hoped would give us new options and be stable.

When we arrived, I found that my past skill sets were not valued, though I was willing and able.

Struggling to find my new job niche while then eight months unemployed without benefits – and then Snowmaggedon forcing us into unknown survivalism on the mountain really set me back a bit.

Rebuilding and working toward recovery, the pandemic hit a week before I at last received my license to practice – and then everything was forced into lockdown.

When we were released to return to work June 2020, my then three year distance relationship was at direst brink, so all funding I could scrape away from bills went to traveling to Egypt end of September.

Two weeks later, I returned home overextended and bereft to prepare for my youngest needing to go into surgery while an agitated employer then began picking at me for his own worries and insecurities.

Both cars breaking down (which I managed with minimal impact) and my finally contracting COVID from a patient he let into the offuce when he shouldn’t have put an end to my attempts to fit it there.

Now, on our fourth year in this new country and looking back on destroyed credit, huge student loans from the past 25 year “marriage” and family I invested in – and dealing with meager funds due to me being mired in government systems while scammers actively wreck my Paypal account which could bleed the damage into my bank accounts…it all just seems obscene.

It is hard for me to not feel like a failure. My “get up and go” is exhausted, and though I work out, my core is being resistant. My digestion is off and I am carrying too much weight in my stomach region which drags at my posture.

It is no wonder that I withdraw even more deeply into myself. The negativity I have experienced seems to have taken on a life of its own, constantly evolving into some new form as it shifts and renews attacks to break down my natural resilience.

What gains are there in paying it further attention? How do I get out of these coils which keep entangling? How do I snip off these poisonous vines and leave such desperate scrabbling for mere existence behind me?

I am producing light in the darkness while the datkness seems to eagerly absorb my every attempt while attempting to swallow me.

I need to join forces with others like me to magnify our positive capacities and break free of these illusions constraining my abilities.

There must be a way to be one’s self naturally, yet have quips and fun spontaneously, which draw and cement attraction.

For me, my focus is on sharing authentically, and it does depend on the partner and how they are interacting with me, which decides what feels confident to emerge from me with them.

These dating advice videos are fun and interesting, and what they do offer is better communication strategy theory, but it doesn’t seem right to be self-altering for “ensnarement’s” entreaty.

Because she believed it could happen, she allowed it to happen. But, it turned out to be a lie – and with the wrong guy.