Being able to give back and pay forward helps me feel reimpowered because it is again within my hands to help others.
Month: April 2022
Beacon
Some are born to prove
By their postive example
So that forgotten values
Can rebirth redemption.
(A Little Bit Of Love)
Self Regulation
It is easy to feel panic when leaving any form of dependency, yet harder when food and other insecurities reinforce because the future is yet unseen, and the past still too close to be “forgotten.”
(Love My Way)
“I Thought You Were There”
(Rise)
Power
I am beginning to feel my own return to me.
(Daylight)
Slowly
It takes me late into evening to unwind from the day.
(Unstoppable)
Simulation
I had woken early in the morning, acknowledging I had not dreamed of him in the night and resolute to not dwell on it.
However, after I fell asleep again, I dreamed I had in my hands his previous university attendance portfolio which showed various classes he had taken and he had accumulated an even greater amount of student loan debt than I have.
He had chosen my same gamble to invest in a future with the goal that someday more than enough money would be earned to comfortably pay the loans back.
Luck and good fortune had favored him, therefore, it could still favor me.
When I dream of him, I am given messages of acceptance and loving inclusion which restore my pride’s status – and I realize just how much circumstances harmed me by this positive contrast to their negativity.
I wake up from these dreams of him with a new option on how I would like to view and feel about everything, knowing that a cherished and beloved peer thinks highly of me – even if only in my imagination.
“Zion”
Zoom in…
“Da Bomb”
I shake with excited energy, barely able to believe this wondrous reality that I now live in such a good community where other business professionals recognize and value honest integrity, while sharing skills and building positively dynamic and flexible.relationships.
“Capital Gains”
As an positive person, I capitalize on whatever positive gains I can glean from circumstances that affect me, within and outside of my control.
How I Am
Just when I gain any recovery, I immediately leap forward again as if I am a participant of a race and cannot stand to get behind expanding from constant learning.
As I clear up leftovers from the past, not only am I prepping to delve into more English training, but also new therapy modalities to add to my clinical abilities.
(Waking Up)
(As The Ice Melts…)
“Sun Drop”
“Prepping The Garden”
“Solar Flare”
“Blooming Beginnings”
(I Just Wanna Shine)
Tina! (The Best)
(Breakfast At Tiffany’s, Cat Scene)
A Good Life
Settling down, taking in the more level scenery, working to calm the restlessness inside while still striving to achieve. Being grateful for and mindful of the large to little things
HaHaHa! – Today’s Tea Leaf Wisdom
Maturity
I have earned my rewards, whereas younger women reliant on their “beauty” merely expect theirs to be handed to them.
And men of all ages comply easily and willingly, continuing to reinforce this wrong kind of messaging – and thus, quite frankly, propagate demise of our society.
Unequal Roles
When you are a mother and a partner’s lover, things are not so simple for a woman as they are for a man.
When and why did men get a “pass” – and in return, why can’t they be more supportive and understand?
When I Write It Down
I capture, affirm, and breathe life into it – making intentions priority.
Infusion
What would it be like if
I was not the only one
Living for each moment’s
Heart capturing the sun?
When my faith dwindled,
My flame’s would light up –
When one would run dry,
The other fills their cup.
Being connected dynamically
Without any limits to synergy:
Dreams of such hopes banish
Any darkness that dares linger.
Word Of The Day: Passel
pas·sel
/ˈpasəl/
noun
INFORMAL•US
- a large group of people or things of indeterminate number; a pack.”a passel of journalists”
Oxford Dictionary.
(Feel Good)
A Plan That Can
I began writing, as many people do, in an attempt to uncover the real me. I keep shifting and adapting constantly, amending and accomodating to help clients and family.
We all shift ourselves daily to some degree, but what shocked me the most, which I have been trying to amend, is that as much as I cared for him and was there for him through the worst of everything, my husband did not want to be with how I wanted and tried to be.
I never want to go through living alone again with only a body next to me and the spirit inside far, far away on some other destination where he would rather be. It is better to be alone and free than enslaved and bound to relationship anarchy.
I do not want just a home body committed to me. I want to be with someone who is adventurous and full of positivity. This could be expressed in a variety of forms of internal and external reality: I desire invested interaction.
Someone who is dynamically expressive, yet also likes to relax in downtime for our inward retreats. Someone who likes how I think and feel from simple expression to complexity – and who also desires my interest in their cares and passions.
After writing so many years in privacy, I thought I better come out to “the streets” and start letting myself be heard and “seen.”
How else is my match going to find and get to know me? We likely do not travel the same circuits, if he’s an independent like me.
(Tonight Looks Good On You)
“From Within”
Bridging And Loss (Elastic Heart)
Releasing Presure
As I have community now, which equals more resources in options for self care improvement and senses of positive reinforcement, I begin to unravel those knots which stayed tangled no matter how I worked at them on the mountain.
It has been confirmed that my eyesight and perceived overwhelm with inability to think straight at times is from my neck and shoulder tension pulling to compress my neck vertebrae into pinching nerves when muscles begin further tightening when I must act quickly to timelines.
And while I still have little control over when and how this happens, I can begin working at my psychology to reframe this away from feeling as if I have become a weakling and am dwindling into incompetence to feeling proud I am on my way to hopeful recovery.
It is startling how much losing my ability to feel healthy and endurant had eroded my self confidence, and I feel grateful relief that I can attend to shifting this
The Garden Boxes
Loath to become overwhelmed from past associations again, I had been delaying unpacking the garden boxes to see what was in them.
However, with the joyous momentum of having enlisted a neighbor and now friend’s help in getting the foundations of this year’s gardening efforts underway, I opened them in the search for wood screws he will be using to create a large planter box for as many snap pea plants that I can cram into them.
To my delight, I found the peacock stained glass picture, our door mount, and the lovely drop-shaped and rounded colored globe lights we never had the chance to hang – saved for our new home’s spring occasion.
I Cut My Hair
I had just gone to the stylist this last week and was proud of my hair having grown suddenly (for me) to halfway down my back over this last year.
But, after this last session, something bothered me. It didn’t feel quite like me anymore, though I remembered how enthralled I had been at its sudden growth spurt as if trying to show we could compete after a man I had liked got a new girlfriend
My hair floated around me as if I were an enchantress in some hidden forest, and I had enjoyed the effect – but for some reason, I was itching to be set free.
So this morning, I got out my flat and texture scissors and cut it back, slowly, until it was returned to its usual positioning, just at mid shoulder level.
It looks and moves better…it flows with me.
I feel lighter and imbued with candid authenticity.
Something From Nothing
True alchemy is taking even just the hint of a positive potential and breathing life into it so that it can truly begin
(La Vie en Rose)
Torque
Though I cannot receive the therapies I provide, I have begun experimenting with how I use machines in very light weight training – mainly playing with the muscle planes of tensile elasticity along bones and within motion to strengthen fragile connection zones of tissue.
Retreat
When I can back away, my conscious subconscious can reorganize for another day.
Movie Pick: Mindwalk (1990)
Artifice
Some people are obnoxiously “confident” – not because they have any real abilities, but because they conform to societal “standards of beauty.”
Starfish: Nature’s Designs in Technology
Nice capture!
A Pause In Teaching
Continuing with the thematic of ensuring project completion, I finished sessions with the last of my students today so that I can now address taking and completing further training.
Bravado
It took me a long time to vocalize and externalize despite abusive childhood training reinforcing insecurities.
And when I finally hit my stride and began feeling solid in different times of my life, men left me.
What messaging do I take away from this?
Where place myself in the realm of dominance vs. submissive?
Perhaps I will stick with Neutrality
Tender Heart
Yes, I have been wounded:
I will confess it now to face
It’s time every person knows
Better than to mistreat Grace.
Candid Corvid Productions 