Batting hands to keep all away:
No hats or makeup on my face –
Except for certain time or place
When suddenly, I might want to.
For I was called the biggest disgrace
When beauty brightened every trace
Of a heart born pure for human race –
I will suffer no more others’ falseness.
I saw the picture of them together and observed her look: eyes downcast, patiently waiting, letting him be the dominant while she was submissive.
I have done that. I remember what it felt like to be ignored and walked all over when I loved someone and they took me for granted.
I was raised to be an accomodator, but I have striven instead to be receptive. It is a fine line between flexing and getting neglected.
I just didn’t like how close she was to that chasm. It looked to me that she had fallen into it – as if she had been chastised.
And I realized that I never want to be in that position again.
If this is what is required in relationship, I would rather be untethered.
Maybe there just isn’t a right match for me in this day and age.
Maybe I am ahead of my time, again.
It would not surprise me.
My life’s theme.
Being denied the power and resources to enact change while being criticized and disparaged for not doing so really beat down my positivity.
My parents’ house had more solid, dry stairs from a cleared driveway which diminished tracking effect once got into their house.
Our steps were rotting and coming directly off mucking property, so no matter my efforts, keeping clean was impossible.
I used to like walking barefoot in the house, but not anymore – especially in the kitchen.
“Maybe I could mop more!” comes a thought previously unbidden because now we are no longer tracking in sheep sh**!
It sucks that mine seems held down by the past – by arbitrary effects of circumstance.
Having done much work on understanding the self, I can only intuit it resides with my “wealth” – and those boxes that linger, keeping me on the shelf.
it seems pretty clear what my tasks should be.
It is strange to me that so many people pretend on Instagram to be celebrities.
Many are scammers, yet others want to capitalize on the feeling of being rich, powerful, and desired.
However, each celebrity is a flawed human – the same as you and me.
They just got lucky in their professional gains, have great marketing, and a makeup team.
It just occurred to me that
We could pay rent early
Instead of waiting…
There is a creaky stair when I sway weight into it, rocking back and forth as I write and prepare.
A friend once told me that he preferred being alone.
I teased him in fun: then how did he expect to have any babies?
He soon went out and procurred a girlfriend.
That didn’t work out so well for me.
(Lol)
It tangles inside:
You wouldn’t know
Because I try to hide –
Exhibit being carefree
To protect injuries.
Targeting certain foods to replace, such as white sugar and boiled potatoes which spike blood sugar and/or cause inflammation, is a good place to start in balancing one’s dietary makeup..
I have been afraid to calorically restrict my diet again, given what happened the last time where when I eliminated carbs I lost weight so fast that my skin was hanging.
I only lost thirty pounds, and in my mind from high school remnants, I thought I should get down to one-twenty.
But, I could tell that at one-fourty, I already felt perilously close to unhealthy.
When my neck was realligned briefly without the muscles being worked released, the tension my frame is normally under was pulled that much tighter – and I felt like I dare not move too suddenly for fear it would all come tumbling.
The feminist movement has brought many positive changes, but it has also confused roles in seeking compatible partnership.
If a normally reserved woman would now like friendship or partnership, it seems left up to her to pursue the man because a true gentlemen has been “schooled” that his gallant advances would be seen as too aggressive.
Yet, he has also learned by observing power hungry women to fear if a woman is assertive in her desires, so where can real relationship begin?
It goes way back to when I was ten years old, emerging in a family in which I did not belong, and feeling more like an outsider than ever.
Somewhere, I still have that picture of me in blue overalls, white with rainbow on top long sleeved shirt underneath, looking kind of “country” with this same quirky smile on my face as I stood behind and looked at Jerry Brown when he was early running as California governor.
I guess it was fitting that I had no desire to garden whilst the pots lay barren of summer’s beautiful bounty.
Depression lifts on this warm, sunny day where the cool breeze invigorates lungs as I hum to and discover beloved plants reemerging.
While skills may be transferred, new patterns must be grown.
During their engagement, the young suitor kept bringing up how his family and friends strongly advised against their marriage, and eventually he began comparing her advocating for their relationship to that of trying to manipulate his heart as had others.
He then abdicated his role as the man she had grown to love and trust in an attempt to stop the personal strife being wielded against him.
It hurt her profoundly to watch him turn away from the bright light of hope and love’s faith they had shared – and to have him discard her as if she were unworthy.
When she later received the dreams’ messages about a true champion, someone more on her level with whom she could prospectively share nourishing the world, she saw his status and the public eye focus attacks on him.
When she tried reaching out to him, she met resistance on different levels through different channels and realized that if they were to have any form of connective collaboration together, she would have to leave pursuit of it up to him.
Though quite capable of “taking on the world” if and when needed, she could no longer invest energy in a man without his equal reciprocation.
I was always restless
To discover more than
What hid behind doors.
It becomes more simple as I focus on my own needs – which I can see more clearly if I look close around me – rather than spinning my internal wheels rapidly jangling, wondering about a “you” that I never even knew.
I knew that the part of the message “when your insides match with your outside” was somehow the key for me.
I now realize that I was trying too much at once inside and pushing too hard and fast while the outside world was not responding to match me.
This had created in me too much frenetic energy and overcompensatory pressure expectations on my self to perform, when clearly I was exhausted and discouraged by thrusting my weight at every closed door.
So, I slowed down. I have been focusing on a project here or there and not starting another until one prior is at completion.
It is hard to not feel anxious or like I am sluffing off at responsibilities. However, expecting only what I can do on a few things at a given time.is calming my limbic sysyem and slowly shifting my point of view.
It helps that income seems to be stabilizing, and that we have a good rental situation.
When my ability to provide for our family is shaken or taken, it is difficult to calm inner turmoil.
I began asserting calm regardless of my circumstances, as this was the only way to control the only element that I could: Me.
In response, perhaps, my circumstances are now shifting for the better.
The Law Of Positive Attraction is fickle and not as easy as they say it is to conjure.
I guess the true riddle is understanding how in one’s self to get out of the way of its manifesting.
Though I grouse in processing the way things ended between us eons ago, etc., he has been supportive however he could be from a distance if we were in dire circumstances.
This evening I called him just to say Thank You for everything, and that we seem to be at last recovering our base stability.
I could hear his shakey relief nothing was wrong, and affirmed it is a good turn that I am changing our contact’s association.
We received the temporary rental assistance, then fell back out of the system – as it is want to eject those it is helping
However, tenuous tallies show that as of May 1st we can just barely hold our own again, without government subsidy.
Bald eagles soaring high with bright heads reflecting slanted sunlight; harriers and various hawks hovering over fields or perching on poles as sentinels; a pair of mallard ducks streaking low over the car-traveled streets in community neighborhoods – and even wading in the flooded parking lot “pool” in front of the local Fred Meyers store.
It is helpful to be empathically sensitive when raising children, helping a loved one who will not speak their needs, and clinically assisting clients.
The trouble that I have is closing the door to my internal perceptions so that I am not constantly bombarded by external environments and by my own internal cellular-synaptic callibratings.
This results in my spending a lot of time alone so that I can grapple with things I want to change – but most of my life has been alone in that only briefly do I interact with people who can sync up with my capable extrapolation levels.
I am not a prude, though selective. I am just wired to receive and exchange along specific frequencies filled with esoteric daring creativity.
These are some of the things I am working on, and though they may seem concrete, I look for ways to shift them.
949 is an angel number associated with tolerance. Number meaning 99 is a signal of persistence. This is pushing on to your goals despite the troubles
I don’t like feeling emotionally of center, and for the last several weeks, I have been swimming in too deep waters.
I finally made it back to the gym with the machines I like, and since my neck went out anyway earlier today and the ER scans from last weekend showed nothing noteworthy, I played bilateral racquetball on my own and had a great time swinging and having fun with it – finished off with light weights on specific machine of my choosing
For a moment, even though my neck is torgued in spasming pain, I feel centered as myself again.
As my cervical vertebrae slid-popped back out of place while I worked on a client, the impingement onto my nerve rendered my right eye fuzzy sighted again.
At least I have it confirmed now that my sight is being affected by neck muscle tension.
One would think it easy for a practitioner to get help from a fellow therapist, but no one knows my techniques that restore neck mobility like I do.
It is quite vexing to know how to help others recover, yet not be able to receive the same or better assistance.
Kindness in love makes the world’s wealth abound,
Whereas violence and greed corrupt our potential.
Spirit wants to break free into physical connection expression.
Trusting that my processor has filed for an extension, I plow through last year’s trials and triumphs as I seek qualifying expenses to write off.
I suppose the process, as it drags me back through that which I’ve just clambered out of, might bring a sense of some closure to the anarchy.
When one get’s pulled under water’s surface,
All they know is lack of air, panic, and despair.
Cast into desperation of
Sickness and confusion
Followed by turmoil’s
Persistent relegation,
A year that since passed
Now yields reemergence:
Riptide surprise releases –
I pop up back to surface.
Candid Corvid Productions 