I took two weeks off from working out to reliwve pressure where I could from my system while still exceptionally high performance pushing.
My physical reward is migraine, seizure, and legs tight edema swelling from clinic sports percorming.
Oh – and apparently now my body is having a sugar insulin crash-thingy reaction.
Wee!!!
MESSAGE RECEIVED, BODY.
I had another one last night in the bathtub when trying to press out neck’s tension.
The first one was around Christmas 2020 after a whplash hard-fast crack into the back of my neck and head at an angle from the leaf end of our kitchen table when the chair slipped out from under me.
I had enough tension and must have pressed the perfect angle.
it is not fun, but very sureal, to feel the hindbrain kicking.
Elders wanted her there
To kick around and criticize
In the guise of ensuring security.
Townspeople needed someone to fear
And cast their dispersions hatefully upon
That they could continue feeling righteous.
Tbe seasons welcomed and embraced her,
Coaxing her cells to bend and flow as the trees
Inevitably do to gravity as limbs reach for the sky.
Earth beckoned her to lay among moldering leaves
Releasing their sweet memories as she raked gatherings,
Beckoning life’s purpose to yield nourishment by becoming soil.
The Crone tracks as a thief, having stolen ten years from me.
I work to bring from within life’s springs still renewing.
Yet, what man is strong enough to stand beside me?
And what healing full enough to allow myself to accept him?
When you have a partner (a truely devoted one), all of these daily trials and overwhelms can become like background scenery of part of the day’s play: a mere backdrop to the real love story – which is life’s ultimate priority, and why I continue to often feel lonely.
Current trends in latest media, lecture, and book advice bombard us with messaging about how going solo is our ultimate destiny – Yes! Yes! – for only then are we fully actualized as individuals in this materialized state of being!
I call BULLSHIT on this ideoligy. There is merit within it to a point, but humans are family-oriented creatures. We need our loved ones to be a vital part of our dreams.
It is impossible to avoid retriggering when a child has been assaulted in their own home, in the area we left, and then I visit them as they are hastily light-packing and leaving their belongings behind them to move to another state and leave their belongings and the bad things behind them.
It is difficult being out in the alternating cold, sunshine, and rain in the environment that makes my face puffy and worn and my muscles ache while windswept hair rearranges visage into form of a mountain witch blending into the scenery, as I meet and greet people gaily in salt-of-the-eath, down-home interacting – dissolving my city slick identity while I bid fond farewells of goodbye.
Being back on the property in the wrong shoes, traversing over slickery-slanted mud waddles, worrying if gravity will slam me down again for the slightest minimalist yet effortful attempts to just make sure my parents’ property is ok and that I have my few remnants properly removed, finally.
The molding, thriving mildew on and in everything including in and outside of my car to various degrees; the tossing of empty tires to rid them of collected in-groove rain water and tree detritus – only to have upon ground-tossed impact that water spraying at force directly back into my eyes and face…what are the odds of that carefully callibrated angle hitting so perfectly?
Apparently, Ihave hidden talents I do not even imagine…
Miraculous maneuverings of collaborative creativity result in my car at last tied securely to a trailer for towing back to an implied, promised resurrection.
And this was only Tuesday!
Default’s sleeping –
Awaken ensnared:
Hair cast into twigs,
Wrinkles puffed rare
Wise eyes knowing
Magic within there –
Add some glasses:
Pride laid bare.
I do not like that love found was at the expense of their previous partners, but I appreciate the innocent honesty of their discovering, acknowledging, and honoring it.
The plot opens up viewers’ awareness that true love is real and important – but now, social media, dating apps, and marketing corporations have taken this concept and enslaved it toward promoting the brushing aside of any and all real self accountability.
What happened is that I returned to our prior home to retrieve my car, and when I returned to our current home, the dogs smelled our old one on me.
Now, they have returned to those previous misbehaviors – throwing aside since then respect for me – when I am exhausted and shoulder pain from a long week is now escalating into a migraine.
Yeah…
This combination is going to flare me.
Good efforts rewarded
By ricocheting rejection:
Many “so close!” misses
Promote misinformation.
If they follow a lot of women, I do not let them follow me.
I can tell when I have been pushed too hard internally, and then have given too much externally, when I return to my family and the dogs’ behaviors seem against me – making me angry.
If he knew me well and knew the details of my situation, he likely would have advised me to finish up what needs finishing before I joined in adventures with him – especially after upon seeing how much pressure was fragmenting.
It isn’t just the man – it’s me.
I have always had a taste for the “unique and rarely attainable.”
Come down from high up on the mountain, her gaze quells any b.s., and her assurance both heals and commands.
The loop is closing again as I turn inward to complete more loose ends.
Mine is a wild variety, which does not follow conformity – even if my own.
See the hand with finger pointing to the right in middle of photo? It is pointing in the direction of and telling me to focus first on fixing my car – lol.
I do not know how this is possible (and Lord you know my current challenges), but if there is a way for me to process my end of things better, and if there is a way for him to process his end better and reach me sooner, please Lord, let our union’s blessings happen.
A current trend is to speak as clearly as possible about one’s desires so that others may understand well enough to be able to determine if they can be supportive.
“I want him to recognize the inherent value of my quest and seek to join and nourish it with me.”
Finding herself contained within confines of a perceptual box, she began alternating between clearing incongruencies inside and pushing against external barrier limitations.
I have been trying to twease apart the reason – the underlying meaning – for why I had those two dreams which have led me in this direction.
Sure, they provided a better carrot more close to my desires than anything I had experienced on that level, before.
And of course, they gave me motivation and something to believe in when I had experienced too much loss and was undergoing severe pressures.
However, I could have had other dreams occur that may have stimulated my reignition to overcome more crushing circumstances.
It is just that these dreams spoke to the core of my soul’s questing for a specific kind of love.
And if it is not to be reciprocated, why show me exactly with whom to secure my heart’s attachment?
Of love and kind benevolence where power could overule, a true man takes his chances – and in bravery, avoids being a fool.
All that I had worked to become was not valued there. I had become unwanted – and demoted from status as a worthwhile human being.
Therefore, I got us the F*** out of there so that we could recover and reclaim our true identities.
My car is in transit to our location – woot!
Tail on left, head on right.
Zoom a little…
I have figured out how to get my car transported home and am orchestrating the pieces for it to happen.
He does not like it if you speak clearly with intelligent inquiry and mirthful savvy.
He does not like it if you share your opinion and request upfront legitimate identification verification.
He leaves immediately after imparting a punitive barb of how he would have given you all you desired, if only you had given him your number – and easy compliance.
This concept came up today in discussion.
Not so much about age, but about accountability.
Candid Corvid Productions 