Month: April 2022

Compositions

“F-ed Up Messaging”

Candid Corvid Productions

He abandoned me in my time of need (after I’d been there supporting years of his) so that I would watch first-hand all that I had striven for and built for our family and me, personally, burn and tumble as charred rubble to the ground and realize I had overstepped myself in thinking I could depend upon his reciprocation – so that I would never trust another man, again, and would forevrr more rely on myself, solely.

And unfirtunately, today’s modern “man” agrees with this so that he can avoid personal accountability.

Compositions

More Agency Loopholes

Candid Corvid Productions

Back when I had AAA supreme towing coverage and my car broke down and needed to be towed to our new location, AAA refused to tow it because it was not yet registered in Oregon. Thus, I had to leave my car 200 miles away from where we live now.

I was told this evening that since they denied me back then, to currently have it towed by them is not an option because my car’s undriveable status is now considered a “preexisting condition” since they did not tow it when it broke down.

Additionally, they will not except a 21-day legal registration as proper coverage. DMV will not give me full registration only when DMV representatives can see the car on their lot in person to verify its VIN; they cannot see the car until it is fixed and driven to them; and, it cannot be fixed and driven to them until it is towed here.

I have been advised by a family member that I ought to just get the car towed to a scrap yard at this point – but, I am not sure that a scrap yard will accept a 21 day registration proof of ownership, either.

I view this car as a precious resource and feel that it is easier for an outsider to say “scrap it” when they have several houses and vehicles at their disposal.

In my world, my resources are very few – and dwindling.

Stream of Thought

The Riddle

Candid Corvid Productions

Having been around “vampires” for most of my life, and then discarded once they sucked my “youthful” energy and deemed I was soon entering “expiration date,” it is difficult to have given my all for 40 years, and then to have had no choice but to fight for the next 10 years in the chop-slosh of navigating the elements for recovery.

Reaching 50 and now 51 is a major holding ground STOP on all negative malarkey.

But, having reached a type of sanctuary, it is hard to reconcile “damage” done to me.

I am baffled as to how to activate recovery, having used all resources to come this far.

And now, I know myself so well that I am not sure any counselor can tell me anything.

How do they know what is right for me? I have earned the right to decree these things.

I just want support and encouragement to reclaim my vitality, as I re-envision purpose.

Stream of Thought

1133 Number Meaning (Symbolism For The Win)

Candid Corvid Productions

The meaning of the angel number 1133 is one of hope and optimism for the future. This is a message from your guardian angels telling you to never give up on your goals and to chase your ambitions. As a result of your efforts, you will receive future benefits.

https://www.ipublishing.co.in › ange…

Angel Number 1133 Meaning – Symbolism and Spiritual Significance – iPublishing

Compositions

Do I Want To Be Like Them?

Candid Corvid Productions

Women are told they should “doll themselves up” – basically alter how they look with artifice, reshaping, and color.

Men are told to strengthen and enhance what they already have – and to unapologetically expose it from cover.

I actually have excellent self esteem.

It’s just that in current society, I know that it isn’t considered attractive to not promote an already acceptible thematic.

So, I guess when I see natural pictures of myself, my mind layers on the criticism from what it thinks other people would think of what I can see.

Is this a leftover survival coping mechanism geared toward outmaneuvering abusive adults too quick to react with displeasure at me when I was a child?

Or is it because I dared to love a man younger than me, and once I turned 50, all this prebiased societal messaging began bombarding my psychology environmentally?

It is difficult for me to establish new ground to stand upon becsuse I do not see anyone around quite like me facing my realities.

The pressure to conform feels daunting, and I am unique in my own proclivities.

Still, ageism may yield hidden benefits.

Stream of Thought

Flogging Myself

Candid Corvid Productions

We have ants coming into our bathroom and my pants with belt were on the floor, so I gave them a good whip-crack to dislodge any ants that may have climbed onto them.

Now I have a red welt mark on my left inner thigh from the belt buckle.

Apparently, I am still learning my own “Strength In Power” capabilities.

(Is this last quoted texr now a TM? Lol.)

Stream of Thought

Continuum

Candid Corvid Productions

Taxes will be late if I do not complete them.

I likely can’t get back UI money lost – unless I sue them.

While timeline to collect on a patient’s claim is expiring, getting our cars registered and mine at last towed off my parents’ property for closure has become priority.

Classes I have paid for are lapsing – but, the mountains I keep climbing are very tiring.

Even when it was “worse,” I still fought to keep up.

Now I’m just wiped: Enough is Enough!

Stream of Thought

Attempts To Bridge

Candid Corvid Productions

All of my efforts seem to have been thwarted, including intro and resume letters being sent back as “undeliverable as addressed” after being slit-on-sides open.

I know that “The Best of The Best” praise the concept of “keep trying” (which has always been my motto) – but, honestly, I feel rended apart as if at the cusp of a blackhole’s tidal forces, making my allegiences feel divided.

If there were a way to have my family nearby and accessible so that I could still tend to and nourish them while I participate in my greatest dreams, this would be my ideal solution.

But, to choose either/or when we are still just now recovering seems foolhardy – especially when my every attempt to bridge is being deflected.