Month: May 2022

If the effort required engages
More vexation than tolerable,

At this point, no matter reward,
Preference is “avoid if possible.”

For I’m done with aggrivation’s
Entangling in processing loops:

I just want to feel serenity
In everything I have to do.

She was not a control freak – but,
Having one’s mind turned against

While categorized public enemy #1
When existence was exact opposite

Left her feeling brutalized and twitchy,
Unsure she could ever trust a new man.

She had promoted her family of
Children and husband laughing:

It was always her dream to nourish
Any space where hope was lacking.

To see their smiles engaging wiles –
Witness intelligence overcome trials;

To cherish them where she’d had none
Was definition of love’s purpose above.

But, to have every effort bent to match
Man’s subconscious brought damnation.

Sunlight seeks through pinholes in blinds
Where strung slats need spacing as align.

Pressing in its brightness to awaken my duty
Comparing once relationships to own beauty.

I am an innovator – never a dominator, though
Dealing with his checking-out forced me below,

Firming my desire’s requirements as struggling
Against a partner’s “high” deflections mitigating.

I cannot explain what it is like to be thwarted
In every attempt of honesty’s vital functioning –

Except that its like a cloud suppress-engulfing
Momentum into stopping, rendered obsoletion

By a brilliant mind bent upon promoting stoic
Anarchy against structure to appease demons.

Don’t ever commit to a relationship with such
A person determined to avoid all participation

For you will find yourself confused and enraged –
Where before promoted mutual benefit inclusion.

Just because I saw some
And was allowed at table

Does not mean that I know
Their purpose or I am able

To divine their inclinations
Nor why they then included –

Except empathy helps
Others feel understood

Perhaps I have been too active
At work, shopping, and the gym.

Perhaps I will no longer schedule
Doctor or any other appointments.

Perhaps I will minimize paperwork,
Do home workouts and our cooking.

Perhaps I will reboot all my lost energy
By promotion’s slow-down repurposing.

Am I sick or very weary?
They’re the same: dreary.

No payment for confusion;
No refuge in any disillusion.

I’m not being negative, just
What to do has mind hectic.

Learning that bias dominates
Against logic and good grace

Has me worried over everything
And unsure what I can rely upon.

One could think frustration
Is something easy to beat –

Especially when you have
Access to new resources.

When mine were stripped,
Rage flared to immobilize.

I fought severe lockdown,
Recognizing the dangers.

I kept myself from screaming
At circumstances preventing.

I rallied valiantly against the
Depression smothering Hope.

Once we got away, I thought
All that influence dissipates.

But, muscle memory dictates
Until you train it to new things.

There is backlash when
Similar thematics repeat.

Time for quiet’s solitude
Is needed for processing

Before new confidence
Improves associations.

Managing work flows,
Sometimes getting sick:

There are times to move –
Slowing down if too quick.

Looking for your truth, I found me, instead:
I was the one who was my own best friend.

I saw myself just now in
A mirror, looking proud:

It’s so strange how my
Pieces were scattered.

Be careful what you say to people
Because they misconstrue easily –

Allowing their fears to misdirect
Your original positivity’s meaning.

As pressures pushed to overwork,
She felt she never had enough time.

Then, she realized the solution was
To slow down and let time find her.

I must face that there is only one of me
And that though I provide healing therapy,

Each session expends in incredible efforts –
Which drains my energy, needing recovering.

Therefore, in my current commitment pursuits,
I am limited in how much money I can generate

If I am needing to retain sense of personal space
While giving so much positivity to my community.

If I wear makeup and arrange hair,
If I buy Gucci and pluck or use Nair;

If I fit a slot or allow others into mine,
If I give up values and submit to grind;

If I close my mouth into agreeable smile,
If I desire only others’ happiness in Style;

If I stand by while others make Hope bleed,
If I submit to narcistic, consumptive greed;

If I am available every day for your needs,
If I get stepped on so that others succeed –

And so many other messaged debasements –
Then, I am worth loving without chastisement.

Integral to her health was balance –
Which is what she kept reaching for.

But, when conflicting pressures arose,
She couldn’t find herself behind doors.

When this happened she became sick –
For only then would world slow turning.

How was one person to handle so much
While ensuring identity was reemerging?

Loving acceptance.
Truthful congruence.

Caring for the masses
Instead of such abuses.

When you think it’s guaranteed, don’t bet on it.

The more you reach to grab it, the more it evades.

It’s got to be seen as a side benefit – with only a casual glance noting its attainment.

For if you are really hungry and in need, something conspires to take away its dependability.