Month: May 2022

I must remove all doubt, all blame, all shame for being who I am.

Being in a State of Unknowing. Dealing with someone who is uncaring.

Dealing with a lack of Justice.

It’s just a recipe for tearing myself apart for being who I am.

I mean, if there’s no logical explanation and nothing you can do to fix something, it had nothing to do with You.

And that’s the sad thing.

And that’s something that I’ve experienced for much of my life, and it’s another reaon why I’ve been independently employed for most of my life.

Because when I give the power of my life to other people to decide, such as being somebody’s employee, being completely dependent upon them for my income – or renting from somebody, being completely dependent upon somebody’s Goodwill for a house, for a roof over my head – I find, quite often – consistently – that it’s not a “equal exchange” relationship.

Therefore, now, while I am employed (I’m employed part-time), I’m meanwhile steadily and attempting to rapidly build my private clientele on the side – therefore, diversifying the eggs in my basket in case one of them breaks.

Then, my whole world won’t fall apart, as has been the case these last three years…and before.

I’ve always had the most job security when I was an independent contractor, when I could build rapport, one person at a time, relationship dynamics.

And, if I came across people who were not of the collaborative, positive mindset, I could see that and I’d give them a chance. Not too far ’cause I don’t want to hang by that rope they’re slingin’ about! But, I’d check ’em, I’d test ’em …and if they weren’t “up to snuff” in growing and evolving, I’d just let them go.

I’ve let a lot of negative people in my life go because they just didn’t make sense and didn’t want to find a neutral ground to make sense.

It’s like, whatever their personal beliefs – fine – but, we’ve gotta have neutral, solid ground to work together, to come together, to meet and work on projects together, and achieve goals to mutual satisfaction and equal status.

I never seek to top anybody. That’s not my way.

But, I do step up to the plate and hold my own ground and promote gently, but firmly, where I think I want our vision to go.

And, if people don’t share my vision in the work that I am providing, we’re just not a match.

And, that’s fine. I have no problem with that.

But, I don’t like other people stepping on me.

And, I don’t like other people using me.

And, I don’t like other people misusing and abusing me…or leveraging me – or having control to destroy what I’m building.