Month: June 2022

Stream of Thought

Transportable Garden

Candid Corvid Productions

At last, her garden endeavors were progressing in a way that helped her settle back into early summertime rhythms.

Beans, snap peas, zuchinni, and tomatoes; strawberries, snap dragons, petunias, and lobelia; roses, dianthus, lavender, and violas give food, perfume scents, and colors.

Four fruit trees among the herbs, carnations, pineapple sage, and lots of lemon balm; and flowering porch plants were in abundance;

Stream of Thought

Fighting Lockdown

Candid Corvid Productions

It is a horrifying experience to have one’s mind throwing up blocks when attempting to address cleaning up issues that affect my credit.

I was and am still an ace at management and strategizing.

It’s just that the vexation, despair, and extreme stress that I kept dealing with over the past four years wore down my optimism in these areas – like a Pavlovian shock response upon neurons trained into “Don’t Go There.”

Luckily, I remembered one agency from way back that I had spoken with, and their top-notch, kind, and informed assistance helped me maneuver past self protective barriers.

Stream of Thought

Waiting

Candid Corvid Productions

As a single mother, I did not have the freedom to go where my heart needed and desired.

Not like a man.

Not like a person uncommitted.

I knew I had to slowly maneuver however I could while maintaining cobbled together stability.

I had to buy time and hold space for my children to grow.

I had to focus on what they needed essentially to eventually expand dynamically.

Compositions

“Fool’s Gold”

Candid Corvid Productions

It was hard to believe that she had been misled, again.

Only this time, with dreams so clear that they felt real and outlined specific things he said.

Look.

It is one thing to have fantasy desires.

We all need something to reach for – even if likely extremely farfetched.

But, she could not help but feel that she had been willfully goaded by the clarity of the messages.

That they did not reflect what he wanted publicly portrayed about him indicated a severe mismatch.

Compositions

A Bad Feeling

Candid Corvid Productions

She’d been tricked.

Thinking by behaviors around her that she was getting treatment by a woman turned into full-blown panic when a man walked into the room once she was undressed.

While he worked to depth some zones desperately needing help to relax, any form of actual enjoyment was replaced by survivalism.

The feeling taking over her awareness was horrid as the man kept making mouth noises, his stomach kept gurgling too loudly as if he were sick, and then his wet, squishy-sudden repeat farting releases wrecked the music’s soothing ambience.

Meanwhile, one of his hands would dissappear from her body and go off on its own prospectively unsavory wanderings throughout the session.

The indescreet-discreet “accidental” pressings of his male member against her side here or there made her mood even more distressed.

(Was it a parlor of “happy endings?!)

In hindsight, she ought to have stopped everything from the very beginning and walked away, thereby avoiding prevailing inner conflict plaguing her now – even days later – that some of what he’d done had actually benefitted her.

Stream of Thought

To “Rest In My Skin”

Candid Corvid Productions

Hypervigilance and repetetive stress response to fleeting stability again becoming unstable takes its toll on a fight or flight cortisol system.

Unable to choose “freeze” as an option due to need to keep moving, body auto-locks down against muscle movement because it wants to stop moving “for safety.”

I remember when the sensation first happened over ten years ago, and how hard I fought against it For if it had won then, I would not have been functional for my children.

It is very vexing to feel hunted and haunted by such a mechanism. I keep fighting to overcome it instead of it overwhelming me – because if I am “the carrier,” I must also be “the solution.”