Old Messaging

I reached out this morning to a success coach at my university because I have this deadline approaching to complete a course I put on hold from last Fall (due in December) – and there is no way that I can meet it with my current life circumstances’ mental-emotional programming set in motion, dancing to the tune of my hind brain’s freaked out gibberring.

There is this messaging imbedded somewhere that when life circumstances are hard – or when I have children, or when I am in a relationship – that I am “not allowed” to be who I truly am and want to be in my natural expression, and I am “not allowed” to pursue activities I want in order to improve my skill sets and/or just enjoy myself and have fun “playing.”

This is where being by nature a devoted, loving, and obedient human being has worked directly against me: wanting to honor others (as well as trying to avoid past erraticly harsh judgements and punishments pummelled onto me) put me in a state of constant self-contorting and denial of my own needs to where now, deep in my psychology, it has come to the dictate that caring for my self expression is “harmful and irresponsible” if I truly care for others.

It’s part of a pre-programmed self-condemnation system from past parental and authority-type figures having done their best to suppress and top-down me.

I am “allowed” to choose others over myself – but not myself over others. And if I choose myself in any way, I am a horrible, selfish, and definitely unworthy-of-appreciation, love, or affection person that should be kicked to the streets.

Thus explains why I am sufferring so much in this situation of being without a home. “It all came true,” you see? I chose to be Good to others as well as care for myself, instead of what they tried to make me be – and here is my reward.

“I belong on the streets.”