Eyes That See

I have been feeling melancholy.

I was so excited and – I cannot think of the word! – when the flourite beads on a string shined their light bright at me from a distance, beckoning me to come get them.

The child inside of me felt so blessed and loved to be singled out and to have crystals “talking” to me again, without my trying or seeking.

When I later learned that the little girl turned seven on this same day, I remembered when I had turned seven, and how it was a new chance for me. My mom was getting married, I was to have a new daddy, and he was into plays and everything.

My life didn’t turn out how it was presented for my buy-in, and the overwhelming disappointment and consequences I suffered became just more layers of negative messaging.

People did not love me and prize me for my efforts – nor for simply being just me.

I reflected on this as the shy one went onto the stage, trusting her mama’s coaxing, and I thought to myself, “Was I really so young and as vulnerable, then?”

I knew it was the right thing to give her the necklace brimming with overstuffed hearts, filled with shades of purple to green in clear colors – and likely bursting with rainbows in the sun.

I had so recently bought them that I had not yet gotten the chance to gaze into the stones and explore their delightful reveries.

Childhood is meant to be more than just a promise. It should be filled with wonder and Guarantees that everything good is coming.

Therefore, I presented them to her as a caring “elder,” telling her how brave she was and giving it to her so that the fluorites’ loving, playful, energetic generosity would impart to her proof that she deserves the best life has to offer her.

But, personally, why do I now have this ache inside? I had had it at the shop, not realizing until the beads had signalled me.

I saw her later that evening wearing the necklace around her neck as its weight swung jauntily over her upper chest, protecting and fascilitating heart to voice transferring – and this was rightly gratifying and satisfying.

But what about my own heartaches? What about my own needs for receiving loving, proud-of-my-efforts acknowledgements and gaurantees of a happy life’s future tailored for me?

If I can give to others, how can I give to me?