Month: October 2022

Arriving at our lodging, some working men are drunk or high motormouthing at each other in constant slurred frequency, talking over each other with “f-ing this” and “f-ing that” loud enougg to penetrate my car.

Their inane noise pierces pain-hazed thinly-remaining barriers and drive me into over agitation because they don’t stop for breath while I am trying to chill in my car.

I do not like being around this kind of influence. Summer is over, and these are the digging-in regulars. The complications in finding this year’s housing requires us to keep enduring.

Some things seem like they should be easy to know. But since I have been trained to serve humanity, it is hard for me to realize – and then advocate – for what I need.

It is now officially official. So official that I am officially stating that I shall no longer – maybe EVER – let anyone do passive stretching to my neck.No one works out the kinks, first, so all they are doing is pulling on and retriggering trauma – thus setting alight my demon migraines!

I get so wound up at times from the performance pressure I naturally feel getting tangled with my desire to be able to please him that I get overwhelemed at the details of every day moments that could be involved. Why does everything have to seem to conceptually overcomplicated?!

Have you ever been so excited about an upcoming event that your body locks up just thinking about getting through everything to make it to it?

I have been stumbling over myself all morning!

The man I love is with someone else.

Of course, I think that I am the better match for him – but such things are complicated.

I think it is quite common that people in love who cannot be with their One feel similarly.

I go from panic to just giving up and grinning at myself, the situation – and then capitalizing upon my own experiences in maturity.

Her personality is the type to eventually wreck him. It has no real, solid substance of its own and is dependent – thus prone to be manipulative.

I am sure I have my own flaws and weaknesses, but I am solid as a rock where everything counts.

I guess comparisons in situations as this are difficult to avoid.

However, to divert myself from being terribly upset about this, I just looked at myself in the mirror, made a choice – and started laughing ruefully at the whole set up.

I am trying to be delicate – but I am just becoming this warrioress BEAST!

I found a new lift exercise on a dynamic weight machine last night, and my body just rose to the challenge!

What is becoming of me?

Who the FECK am I???

I have my propensities.

“I wanna smoke that sh**!”

What I hear as I enter the hall…

They could reach for each other any time, any place.

It did not matter who they were with, or what they were doing.

In a pause’s breath, they shared connection.

They called me a whore, raping me to destroy my sanctity.

They beat my body and hurt my head, attempting to wipe out my memory.

They stripped me from every comfort: no community will accept me, and I can only trust briefly.

But over time, the rage of truth has spilled out – and it burns the soul’s purpose clear of others’ transgressions.

I may be a product of my society, bent like you to the will of megalomaniacs intent on reaping everything and leaving our Earth barren and empty – even to the point of eventually getting humans to consume ourselves in the name of “survival.”

How they must be laughing at our continued ignorance!

But, when it is all said and done, what matters is our spirit’s integrity.

Without it, this war cannot be won.

Maybe I won’t finish my Bachelors and go onto a Master’s in film making and a PhD evolving deep philosophies.

Maybe we won’t get a home and we will just keep paying more than “the average bear,” thus staying stuck in continuous poverty.

Maybe I won’t be united with the man of my dreams who bursts my soul into flame, giving every thing I’ve striven for its true reasoning.

I have done this all for Him, you see. I wanted to prove myself to Him – and to uncover my identity.

I am doing this for Us. For our children. For our Legacy of the Earth’s healing.

This is God’s purpose, you know…we must grow up as a species, stop denial’s breeding, and vanquish our demons to rule wisely.

Believe it or not, I am crying. Truth is not easy, and our hearts must be set free to Sing.

I am not here due to alcohol, drugs, or anything I need to change about myself…

I just keep going and overcoming, despite what others think or have done.

I took myself to a movie, will get my youngling to work, then go rotate my earrings to stop the top hole swelling.

The severe neck pain finally backed down after four generic naproxin, a small handfull of chewable papaya, and some Subway meatballs were chased by a nice hot cup of chamomile tea, placed between my thighs to where the heat almost burned and brought the “fever” down.

I am a Survivor…I guess there’s not much else to be known or found.

What I mean is, I need to stop thinking this has all somehow been my fault.

From the beginning, I never wanted a crown – I just wanted to love and be loved strong and sound.

I hungrily consume the whipped cream on top of my double blended “Pink Drink” (Starbucks TM) with heavy liquid whipping cream blended 1/2 to 1/2 with coconut milk in tge shake-like matrix.

Premise of strawberries provides vitamin C and the cream content helps toward soothing inflamed nerve synapses. A large water with extra ice packed into it accompanies on standby.

Migraines: BE GONE!

Names, dates, places: they swirled in patterns across her mind, forming a greater sense of importance – rather than cementing establishments.

Increasion: the action of increasing,

🤣

Being among the rich, but not rich.

Being among the poor – keep struggling for more.

I never fit in with a home; am set more apart without one.

Identity cannot afford to attach to anything…

Especially to the feeling of disassociation.

I did not relax when sick. I kept fighting it internally.

But, I did go to a couple of shows when I began recovery, and I walked alot downtown just window shopping.

I think that I got to catch up with myself.

They say that if you find yourself in similar situations over time that ultimately it comes down to the outcomes being “your fault.”

But, having been mindful along my journeying, I notice these patterns are actually from trends of other peoples’ lack of personal accountability.

Therefore, the messaging is something that I no longer need to head because, like so many other outdated belief systems, it no lonver pertains to my reality.

I suppose that I am supposed to be content with fighting the resistance to my success, no matter how much the resistance pushes me back.

Show up to the gym, on this day, in different pain at most to reach for maintain.

Show up to work where there is work – and work to get work when there is no work.

When the mind fails, lead with the heart.

And when the heart can no longer feel, keep walking onward.

We had a close chance this last week: we thought we had found our new place.

It is on a piece of land (another biome) but this time, nestled within a neighborhood instead of on the edge.

As soon as we set foot on the property, nature in the backyard welcomed us. There was space for everything we care for, and it had a creative “hobbit hole” feel to it.

The low ceilings and extremely sloping floors from over 100 years standing would need getting used to, and I was a little irritated by the prospect at first.

But, it had two refrigerators, a gas stove, and a gas-heating fireplace. Most importantly, the landlord was chill and would allow our pets.

But, it sounds like he will be giving it to a family friend in need, instead of to us.

It’s frustrating to feel what it is like to have a bird in one’s hand – only to have its magic fly away again.