Month: October 2022

“If you think that I am just going to keep holding out, waiting for you to come home – you are mad and delirious!”

Maybe she had been wrong. Maybe she had made a terrible mistake by going through the portal early.

Things just seem disjointed, and she was often experiencing major disruption to her life’s flow.

Alot of Start-Stop-Go’s made the meaning of her life’s purpose confusing.

And he was out there, ignoring their bond, still pursuing other women.

She began to doubt the validity of their original union, for certainly, she was not being shown its redemption.

We went back to the shop and found a string of rounded fluorite orbs of varied deep-hued, colored depths that I can use as prayer beads and/or just carry around to give me visual and tactile happiness.

Sometimes my life just has too much “grit” and “mossy bits” in it.

Normally, I am brave.

Normally, I will muster.

But, I expected a normal MRI.

Not an invasive procedure where they stick first the numbing needle – and then the needle with the dye into the front hip joints.

Joints.

Plural.

They would have done both.

Not having been warned, the moment they told me, I knew I had reached my limit.

“No.”

“I cannot let you go there where I am vulnerable.”

Hind brain’s declaration of truth – and rather binding.

I got so far as to the several swabs of preparation on the upper right thigh attachment and the first inserted, transgressing needle.

My body said, “WE CAN’T DO THIS.”

Nope.

Nope-Nope-Nope-Nope Nopety-Nope-Nope-Nope!

“Thank you for your time.”

“Sorry to have wasted it.”

“I have to leave, now.”

Exit, stage left – I mean right – up and out of the catacombs.

How many times must I tow the line which wishes only to be buried – yet, demonic torments keep reanimating?

It becomes apparent how dependent we are upon the continuity of certain patterns and life rhythms once any base to which we have clung to for solid footing has been taken from us – and its replacement continually eluding being found.

Replays of past stressors infiltrate one’s actions, in the present.

No,..I will not look back on these times with fondness, and a sparkle of mirth in my eyes.

And then, having checked for curbs around my parking spot – and seeing none – I proceed forward to find that where I had parked had the only one, as the car bumps up and lands onto the bottom engine plate.

Yeah.. whose looking out for me as I look out for others? I swear, the thematics I experience get ridiculous…but, I don’t see any oil leaking, yet.

I have been feeling melancholy.

I was so excited and – I cannot think of the word! – when the flourite beads on a string shined their light bright at me from a distance, beckoning me to come get them.

The child inside of me felt so blessed and loved to be singled out and to have crystals “talking” to me again, without my trying or seeking.

When I later learned that the little girl turned seven on this same day, I remembered when I had turned seven, and how it was a new chance for me. My mom was getting married, I was to have a new daddy, and he was into plays and everything.

My life didn’t turn out how it was presented for my buy-in, and the overwhelming disappointment and consequences I suffered became just more layers of negative messaging.

People did not love me and prize me for my efforts – nor for simply being just me.

I reflected on this as the shy one went onto the stage, trusting her mama’s coaxing, and I thought to myself, “Was I really so young and as vulnerable, then?”

I knew it was the right thing to give her the necklace brimming with overstuffed hearts, filled with shades of purple to green in clear colors – and likely bursting with rainbows in the sun.

I had so recently bought them that I had not yet gotten the chance to gaze into the stones and explore their delightful reveries.

Childhood is meant to be more than just a promise. It should be filled with wonder and Guarantees that everything good is coming.

Therefore, I presented them to her as a caring “elder,” telling her how brave she was and giving it to her so that the fluorites’ loving, playful, energetic generosity would impart to her proof that she deserves the best life has to offer her.

But, personally, why do I now have this ache inside? I had had it at the shop, not realizing until the beads had signalled me.

I saw her later that evening wearing the necklace around her neck as its weight swung jauntily over her upper chest, protecting and fascilitating heart to voice transferring – and this was rightly gratifying and satisfying.

But what about my own heartaches? What about my own needs for receiving loving, proud-of-my-efforts acknowledgements and gaurantees of a happy life’s future tailored for me?

If I can give to others, how can I give to me?

As the singer brought her daughter up on stage to sing a custom-tailored Happy Birthday to her, the love that passed between a 7 year old and her mother was evident as the little girl would reach out for her mother, and her mother would brush the little girl’s bangs tenderly from over her eyes.

When they finished, the round-hearted flourite beads I’d had flash at me earlier in the crystal shop that day and then had made into a choker necklace brimmed with so much energy around my neck that I just had to gift to the little girl this present to ensure she would be guaranteed a wonderful future.

I dislike not knowing where to begin while throwing myself into multiple directions.

When I am sick, the process becomes a requisite shoving me nose-to-nose with all of the negative messaging being carried in my body that I have been trying to avoid.

I began experiencing a breakdown in my barriers when we moved into a larger house back in 2007 and our master bedroom did not have enclosed walls.

It was on the upper floor and the rest of the house had no carpeting, so the sound from everywhere traveled up to where we were resting.

I could never get a “reset,” and thus stress began compounding while I was experiencing the relationship’s downsliding.

Ultimately, there was nothing I could do to stop its destruction and save the union because the issue was never about me.

Since then, I have only regained a thin veneer barrier that is shakey at best in tolerance.

Heats as it elevates blood pressure’s temperature, helping to burn out viruses and false prophets’ messages.

To squeeze myself into the limited sized-boxes of other people’s dreams is just not going to be enough for me!

I am trying to no longer look at the numbers – or rather, no longer look them up. Chasing them around adds too much mental freneticism.

I have already investigated so many of the many times certain sets repear so that I pretty much know the overall messaging that I am looking for.

The numbers “tell me” that I am loved and that good energies have my back; that my soul mate/twin flame is on his way, ready to interact; and that I am about to gain rewards and abundance for all of my past and present hard work efforts.

You know, the usual desired “basics” that we want and need to have confirmed – but may or may not be about to happen.

Religious doctrines would give reasons for all suffering, but I find these reasons so outdated and unsatisfying.

I mean – really? Nothing has been upgraded? Just the same old rules over the same old paradigmical thinking is still seen as acceptable?

To me, if God has been silent for so long, it just seems that “He” has given us enough tools to fashion our own better tools for expanding to a better series of equational interactions.

Humans are not supposed to become passive and stagnate – and we are certainly not supposed to allow ourselves to regress. We are supposed to grow and evolve our capabilities.