Month: October 2022

She had been there, among them, but her mother was a renegade refuting class structure and status – and she got pulled along, behind her.

He hailed me as his energy burst into the sunlight, eager to help me get set up and established and inquiring with animation on how it was going.

I can’t explain how his energy affects me, except to say that it is the right frequency that answers the question to Everything – as if I have been waiting for him.

She was there with him in the dark, broad antechamber.

She could be, because her background met all of the “right” qualifications.

I believe this is what they call “priveledge.”

A free pass, not based upon integrity.

A mourning dove cooed outside in the front yard.

My ego, pride, and drive cannot stand that I am this position – again.

Some say introversion is due to being shy, timid, or unsure.

But, I remember a time when I was very young that I ran around bold under the hot sun, bare feet pounding over scorching pebbled concrete, without my shirt on.

I felt at one with the planet, stars, and moon. I was a wildling born to rule – and it was the sun’s job to bake me and heat my bones, making me stronger.

Nature was there to guide and teach me. The orchards were full of the plumpest, sweetest, juice-flowing fruits to nourish me.

Then, darkness descended, ruled by a shadow man who infiltrated and puppeted those grown too weak in their psychology by broken diligence.

I became silent because I was told that if I spoke, someone would hurt me. Trying to break the habit released terror into the bloodstream.

Don’t move. Don’t breath. “Don’t speak a word to me.” Freezing up was a way of survival from when Man hunted me.

The way of the wolf – alone in solitude’s contemplation – has provided sanctuary. I learned how to fashion my own life and rules outside of captivity.

And now, that bright child inside and the strong woman that I have become want to emerge fully into this reality.

I reached out this morning to a success coach at my university because I have this deadline approaching to complete a course I put on hold from last Fall (due in December) – and there is no way that I can meet it with my current life circumstances’ mental-emotional programming set in motion, dancing to the tune of my hind brain’s freaked out gibberring.

There is this messaging imbedded somewhere that when life circumstances are hard – or when I have children, or when I am in a relationship – that I am “not allowed” to be who I truly am and want to be in my natural expression, and I am “not allowed” to pursue activities I want in order to improve my skill sets and/or just enjoy myself and have fun “playing.”

This is where being by nature a devoted, loving, and obedient human being has worked directly against me: wanting to honor others (as well as trying to avoid past erraticly harsh judgements and punishments pummelled onto me) put me in a state of constant self-contorting and denial of my own needs to where now, deep in my psychology, it has come to the dictate that caring for my self expression is “harmful and irresponsible” if I truly care for others.

It’s part of a pre-programmed self-condemnation system from past parental and authority-type figures having done their best to suppress and top-down me.

I am “allowed” to choose others over myself – but not myself over others. And if I choose myself in any way, I am a horrible, selfish, and definitely unworthy-of-appreciation, love, or affection person that should be kicked to the streets.

Thus explains why I am sufferring so much in this situation of being without a home. “It all came true,” you see? I chose to be Good to others as well as care for myself, instead of what they tried to make me be – and here is my reward.

“I belong on the streets.”

From abuse, neglect, direct violence – or even others’ arbitrary decisions – it is hard for a soul to not become stamped by resultant impingement on their confidence when it has become the target or recipient of others’ such propagations.

It has always been confusing and disappointing that the great love I feel inside of me is not often reflected in the world around me.

They say things like “Be the change you wish to see in the world…” This is one heck of a responsibility when taken seriously!

I am so done with this.

So done with investing in people who are not following through on their end.

I’ve gotta streamline these efforts, somehow.

I can’t just keep burning up my own candle without return’s replenishment.

Sometimes, taking wild leaps is necessary…

It seems crazy to me that I find myself at the same place as the people here trying to just climb out from being on the darker streets.

As I also network for more employment like the grungy younger man leaning against a bike rack, interviewing on the phone with a cigarette, how do we converge at the same intersection?

My education is greater; I have achieved more professional and competance mastery; and, I have already weathered and overcome previous homelessness.

So why am I back here now? How again by the hands of others’ arbitrary decisions?

It is a wonder that I can even cling to any self acclaim, given the negative psychological impact of the trials I continue experiencing.

It does not help me to read what is outdated, of past lessons I have already gleaned the truth from.

What I need is current applications and wisdom for the day – not “wishful thinkmuth.”

I need to feel a sense of God imbued in every tree.

I need to feel like I belong – instead of trapped and losing.

(Quote is an Eddie Izzard reference)

Maintaining a balance when the tidal forces pull from multiple directions is next to impossible.

It comes down to pushing ahead and making sacrifices – cutting off things invested in and valued in exchange for mere survival.

“Selling out” is what they call it.

If one can hedge and at least thrust such actions still into a positive forward motion, perhaps one can still view this as successful.

I am not sure in times such as these that having high standards is a mental-emotional benefit.

The perceived losses at values and gains unmet can feel soul crushing to the point of self labeling as a “failure.”

One year, when I was still very young, my mother and I decided it would be so cool for me to be Raggedy Ann for Halloween. She made my costume and hair and did the makeup for me.

Thrilled at our innovation and hoping that no one else had thought to be the same, I was dropped off at the golf club’s evening haunted house games – and shocked that not only was no one dressed like me, but that I was avoided because I wasn’t “twinning.”

You know, matching all of the other rich kids’ stereotypes of trying to best one another…oh yes, I had certainly outdone them all with my own category!

I guess it was just too much to ask that there, I would have found my Raggedy Andy.

No, really…it will be fine…

Stop freaking out, we’ll find a way through this…

You are making the right call – so what if you might get fired again? You have that other interview coming up…

I know you hate this – I know you need and want security…

When has our life ever matched “normal?” You have got to let go of that pipe dream..

Face the reality, girl – you don’t fit into any of these boxes, and people are indulging in hypocrasy…

You know you couldn’t live with yourself if you got someone else sick…

Just trust the process…somehow, we are being guided…

Focus on resting up – I know your employer is texting, trying to get you to back out of your position!

How can people not be taking hygeine and prevention seriously after all we have been through?!

Ok, good. You told him when he asked if you were coughing alot: “No, it is just in my sweat and breath. I will be in a closed room and having prolonged direct contact skin to skin.”

I can’t believe you have to even say this to him.

Feck. As if you aren’t already under enough pressure in making the call and losing a week’s income…

“Hey, I am sorry, but I should cancel. It is one thing to go out to a store for groceries wearing a mask, and another to be in a closed room with people for an hour. I do not want to get anyone sick. I better not work this week.”

One thing that I would like is to be finished with the past: to no linger be struggling to overcome damage others rendered in the form of boxes of jumbled papers, trying to improve my credit, or fumbling to finish my Bachelors.

And yet, it seems that I can never be free of it. It just tangles around my feet – tripping as I try to maneuver over life’s current obstacles.