Month: November 2022

Sharing thoughts and experiences.

Love is fragile and must be nourished for us to receive its blessings.

It is strange how holding onto a relationship can become a death sentence for love’s freedom of expression when only one partly is open and willing.

The title phrase can be negative or positive, depending upon its applications.

What???

That’s preposterous!!

I have always wanted friendship and community, but I had not often experienced it wanting me, in return.

The sensation is surprisingly unsettling.

While I have known and written about feeling isolated, I did not really know how chronically it had impacted.

I am shocked by how exposed I feel – as if someone has overturned a rock under which I was hiding.

Being invited to express myself imperfectly feels alarming as I risk and dare to care.

I lose sense of who I have been and currently think I am – as if I am suddenly spinning out of control, careening.

I am letting friendships begin in a time when I feel too vulnerable.

They are female friendships – which can be the best kind, in my opinion, because we get into the roots of living, flushing out suffering, and helping each other toward healing.

However, I am nonplussed, confused, and disoriented because I have not had these kinds of relationships for too long of a time.

My friends get to see sides of me that are not pretty.

I don’t want to be seen as “only human.”

It is not that I am radical. I just chafe at squeezing cuffs.

She was mad at him for conforming; he was mad at her for not.

Her young dog died and she was heartbroken. Cast adrift. Lost and lonely.

I looked into her eyes and told her that she needed to get another.

To my surprise, she did this very thing. She got herself a puppy.

Now when I see her, her heart is mending. It is on its way to recovery.

I see her proud to share with others the precious love that she is holding.

I find that the bathroom here has become a sort of meditation room for me where I take time to process what’s been happening.

Perhaps it is due to the fan always being on, where the white noise helps drown out the world’s impressions by overstimming my senses.

Also, it is an official “time out zone” where it is generally accepted that other people, animals, and life pressures must “for pure decency’s sake” reliquish you to your privacy.

I am also learning that I am currently not a morning person. I do best if around 11am is my get up call. Then, I take about an hour to wake up in this prep room by looking at my Instagram, planning the day’s schedule, etc.

Soon enough (and with much conscious effort), I must break out of the lull that having space for myself provides – and push out again into the demands of the day.

Perhaps giving so much conscious focus and energy in my healing therapy is more draining than I realize.

Perhaps, also, the need for my instincts to stay constantly poised and alert for any malarkey that must be avoided or smoothed uses endurance.

For when you do not have a home of your own, other people’s energetic influences can too easily overshadow and attempt to manipulate your own.

At least, this is what my hind brain tells me.

Once I was shipped down to care for my grandmother’s recovery from hip surgery after my grandfather died, she and I rattled about the place – lost in our displacement: she, from losing the love of her life, and I, from losing my family.

“Family” creates the patchwork that holds our lives together. It helps us to bridge gaps in inclement weather.

My mother, the rebel, and my uncle were adopted. My uncle broke away as became an entertainment management professional.

I was born into a family striving to become one where there once was none. Gender status ensured my grandfather’s legacy could not be carried on.

Consists of taking turns of walking with – and pulling against each other.

During our walk today, we came across some people opening a fresh bag of feed to scoop out for the wild mallards. It was quite a sight to see the large group of ducks all clustered around the vehicle: the males with their bright green heads reflecting sunlight, and the females chattering loud cacophany.

When you keep experiencing disruption, in order to overcome it, you must embrace it as the norm.

The fact that it should not have to be the norm must become irrelevant for successful survival.

She could have defined her own path.

He did not give her the chance.

(Situation multiple meanings)

A recent tea leaf advised me to not regret choices made when my own bravery assisted me to step into the unknown.

I feel chagrined in that for once I let down my diligence and instead invested in an experience that allowed me to viscerally feel again alive, hopeful, and in love.

I guess that I can just tally the money lost for not trying to recoup from the scammer’s ploy where I had thought my actions covered added to the money lost by the government agency’s “scamming.”

I paid premium dollars for two “virtual reality” experiences where I was led to believe that someone I highly valued valued me, and that government agencies have my best interests guaranteed.

My regrets are that I still feel any attachment while my sense of injustice tries to prod me to action.

When the scammer had arrived, she was ready for a holiday. In fact, she desperately needed it.

Being of a generous and ambitious nature, she bought into the fantasy and released raw creativity.

But, an important timeline passsd where she could have fought for what she was owed.

She was just so tired of having to beg for what was hers, while being denied at the government’s teat.

The process had been overly frustrating, time consuming, and deeply humiliating.

So she chose to invest in a representation of light to outshine desperation’s darkness.

She had become shy over the years when it came to revealing her heart’s intentions. She did not like the pain experienced once she had invested in partnership – and was then rejected.

However, just when she thought she had mastered the art of seclusion, extra bursts of confidence grown brave despite disillusion would push her into the sunlight to test and challenge paradigms.

But, this did not mean that those she reached out to would accept or reciprocate her regard for them. Each person is in their own growth cycle along their own timeline.

Perhaps she hoped for too much, expecting others would listen to and be ignited by her mission. The more she thought about this, the more she became embarrassed for asserting.

Gathering her dreams about her, she exited rooms where to her promise once glistened.

Vertebral disequilibrium.