Month: November 2022

It is one thing to have felt disrupted, but another to realize how much the disruption has affected.

When a crow is thinking or agitated, it will do a quick twitch-shuffle movement with its wings as they are folded while it walks. Perhaps this action keeps it on the ready to respond.

I prefer a direct approach, which is actually quite new to me. It is surprising how people sometimes subtly cringe when I ask them something important without disguising. It is as if they have suddenly become exposed to the sun, after dwelling too long in darkness – and yet, they then eagerly rise to greet the opportunity of sharing truth.

What does one believe in when Maslow’s – the societal invention for “normalcy” – is repeatedly stripped of its relevancy?

It was his choice to leave that first made us homeless.

Now, it is our choice again to hold out for a better arrangement.

Why have those dreams?

Why have sent her those messages?

It had all turned into another great illusion in which she could gain no traction!

I do not want to have to keep processing that which I keep having to process.

I am just tired of continually having my face pressed into it.

“LOOK AT IT!”

Pfft…

What can I do in any direction which will yield the results that I desire?

I have been so busy jumping between work and daily survival requirements that I just last night finally got our mailing address forwarded!

Trying to have supplies in the room so that we can function properly has made an overstim obstacle course to where we cannot function properly.

I felt good about myself – until my investments in others did not pan out.

Being an isolationist has become a necessity, rather than a preference.

Pulling into the self, seeking where no longer entangled by attachment to the unobtainable.

There is no going back, only forward.

The feel again of having their father drive and help coordinate briefly allowed me to reexperience the support that comes from a family having two parents – rather than just one forging a new path for its remnants.

She began to think that the issue was not that we have internal “demons,” but rather that we make sure to do our internal housekeeping so that they do not have anything to use against us.

They, like any other energetic parasite, require resources to feed upon. Therefore, if she gave them a barren table and no longer gave them attention, maybe they would just go away.

On this full moon, the family task is complete and closure on that chapter is underway.

Our efforts were greeted by mild rain instead of thunderstorms after it had snowed, yet crackling cold permeated coat layers.

We all collaborated well and now have retired for rest and warmth to our own respective corners.

People just didn’t seem to be making the kinds of decisions she made, preferring instead to be mainstream predictable.

It wasn’t so much that she was “special” – but why didn’t people realize their opportunities were greater than what they acknowledged?

I look around at common place where
People are valued with wrinkled face

And think to myself how I can trust
That a man I love will stay with me.

If she didn’t know her strengths, they couldn’t break them.

Advancement in age is not something to crumple inward over – but rather the next challenge to face, and rise above.

At men with their limited mindsets, at circumstances that forced contortions – but mostly, at pain that would not abate.

Her crime had been to love him.

She was supposed to have waited for him in the meadow between forests. The animals had told her by whispers that some day, he would come.

But she was forced to decide between their safety and her own, so she sealed off the door to protect them before her own life had begun.

Having been dragged through compromising scenarios in housing, it almost seems better to keep paying exorbitant fees until we can find a place that better suits us.

While generating income is important, home’s hearth and kinship are given greater priority.

The first flush of crossing over the threshhold has been completed in reconnection with select present and past family members to address this final project. Before us now awaits careful navigation through possible snow, rain, and thunderstorms.

This last evening as I left the Trader Joe’s, I went back and gave $20 from a tip I had received to a homeless man huddlng on the walkway against the building in sleeping bags.

It was fecking COLD outside with snow on the ground, and I called to see how late the men’s shelter was open, asking him to please go there so he could be warm.

But, they had closed their doors for the night – although they would have gifted him with an emergency blanket. Also, he told me that the last time he went to one, he got lice in his hair.

I finally said goodnight to him as he had the basics and seemed to have chosen the lifestyle of his care, but it was difficult to relinquish him to his rut’s advantage.

A friend and I “played” with one, and when I held it, the magnetism from my hand seemed to bind it to stillness to prevent clear response.

I guess whatever “power” that I hold, I do not like messing with the Fates nor indulging in “interference.”

One must push beyond their limits
To create their own new paradigm.