Month: December 2022

I will never be good enough for her.

She will always find fault with me.

I have become an amazing human.

But not in the way she has wanted –

Because I have become an individual.

When you find a sanctuary, memories catch up to you.

In 1989-1990, our first two beloved kittens.

Our “evil” stepmother let them out one day and we never saw them again.

Supposedly, a neighbor took them in.

I was told to not pursue the issue.

I had forgotten about that.

Now why would hanging hangers in a neat fashion restore a sense of one’s competance?

A few subtle accents – nothing ostentatious – make our home feel of quality and comfort.

As unpacking continues and I find what remains of my sparse clothing, I realize that it has not been so much the limited resources that have upset me, but the lack of appreciation in our society for those whose worth is so much more than the shirts upon their backs.

The last decade exposed me to trials which weathered me worn to bone.

I resent that I have had my youth conscripted to a life caring for the disabled and elderly, only to have what I was left with stripped from me involuntarily.

Where exactly is my reward and who is this person I am now forced to be?

To embrace the Here and Now means that I must accept what has happened.

But I do not.

I was robbed.

Viral media propagation of beauty projections attained by falsifications must no longer be allowed to have any affect on me.

Whether I choose to participate or continue on my own expressive vein should no longer involve feeling inadequate.

The cold, brittle-damp air feels like it is trying to strip my physical vitality for the crone’s eating.

During folding the laundry, I discovered a couple more tank top shirts that I had been missing, reclaimed upon unpacking. I could feel my psychology shudder in relief to be granted such a boon.

He greeted my children warmly, then kissed me tenderly on the forehead and said we would go to a movie on the morrow. I did not realize until then how love-deprived I had been.

A huge, fluffy-gold wish weed blow seed floated in swirls in our new bathroom this evening, carried gently by the currents of warm fans cross-blowing.

I wanted my children to never have to experience what they ultimately became exposed to.

When family left us, the odds were against us.

Now that we have arrived, could they be for us?

I finally made myself go home after stopping by to hug my youngling.

Only by establishing new patterns will we gain our rightful confidence.

Late nights out on the street are hard to come away from when you’ve learned to trust no-thing and no-one.

I worry sometimes that I should explain to my youngling every single step; every innovative maneuvering; every outside-of-the-box inspired-by-necessitty-thinking that I have applied to help get us through so much tumult to finally reach a better harbor.

But no one should have to go through even once – let alone, again – what we have travailed by enforced disbandment.

I am not sure that I can have me and also be in a relationship.

Alone in the masjid, I could feel God there, listening. There was a sense of multi-formed and faceted Holy pressence .

But in order to access this sacred zone of sacrament, I feel required to convert to constrictions that must no longer be allowed to entrap me.

Please tell me that it’s because of my brain’s exhaustion from having weathered the storm that made it go into total lockdown and my emotions into mortified vexation as I moved laundry 3x(!) in and out of different sized containers at the laundromat, trying to find the correct fit for my bundle.

OMG!

How can such a simple task have the hope and responsibility for the entire galaxy weighing on me?!

And once accomplished, I turned in brief-lived triumph to witness the folly of my confidence:

NOOOOOOOOOO! (Arm outstretched, reaching hand clenching mid-air)

The cannisters locked and cleaning, a lone black sock remained, fallen to its plight upon the floor.

I left Santa Barbara after my eldest was born, thinking we would find more inclusive community for my children to grow up with.

But once we returned to San Luis Obispo County, like-minded families began moving out of the region, leaving us with the dregs of conservatism.

Maybe I have taken it all too seriously.

But when you are launched into space by small life pod, away from a once magestic galaxy cruiser, perceptions blare to avoid imminent disaster.

I have not had a captain to guide me – other than my own cobbled together divinations as I have measured weft and weave of cosmic patternings.

Why do I long for such a thing – a captain to call my own?

It is this drive to find such a love that I can evolve myself within as I need and want to that has propelled me forward to overcome all.

It was one thing to try to ignore the cat’s yowling misbehaviors. Quite another when I turned and saw the small gecko staring quietly intent at me.

I get hangups and resentments – insecurities and internal entanglements – just like any other person.

However, I am finding that checking in with myself here helps me focus and keep track of squiggling thoughts that would undermine me.

Or at least, coming here keeps my intentions better focused on where I am going, and striving toward how I want to be

It would seem that once cast adrift survivors make it to shore that stress would relieve.

But in fact, it all comes up suddenly in a rush like choking out swallowed sea water because it is “safe now” to expunge.

I thought I knew – but as trials try to erase me, it’s hard to retain identity.

I had found my new King, but like every other gone before, he was distracted by other intrigues and interests.

I must rule my own kingdom – with or without consort’s crown.

The cost to taxed nervous system must be accounted for by time to rest and recover.

But to do so puts off even more the goals already denied another year.

Puppet strings yanked and pulled to altered dimensions makes it hard to trust again once encounter solid ground.