Month: January 2023

At some point, we must decide to be true to ourselves no matter the cost.

At least, this is the messaging I have learned from every male role model I have loved who left or deflected me.

But, let’s not be so hasty here, because the truth of it is that the message is important to be true to one’s self – just not at the expense of other peoples’ losses.

Which means that being mindful makes a person’s path something they must define and walk more carefully.

And those men who discarded me had no grace nor willingness to take the time and invest in finding real solutions.

Employer’s clients dropped during and after holidays.

Youngling’s work disrupted due to overwork injuries.

Small tax return disbursement delayed repeatedly as hit barriers to getting documents for and connecting with mandated identity proof-checking.

(All the scammers hear here is “Oo! “Free” money?”)

I catch a client’s cold after finally getting off antibiotics which had overloaded system.

Then, youngling and I catch Covid from an unknown source – blasting my inability to work further into February.

None of this has anything to do with my true capabilities, yet keeps begging the question, “Why am I trying?”

If the universe wants me to be doing my creativity and helping others through healing, it needs to be better providing!

I do not like the feeling and being so sick is mostly about enduring, lowering one’s head with shoulders hunched – and pushing up hard against it to get it lifted.

Otherwise, I’d just be flailing in a tantrum – and I don’t need further reduction of personal dignity.

It doesn’t even matter what anyone else thinks anymore because I can’t even control my own life situations. How can I worry about influencing others?

All I can keep doing is trying my best, resting when I can’t, and getting back to tasks – even if success seems a dimmer hope than looming failure.

I really am an air sign, above all of my ecclectic qualities, for I love to fly above the world, land, and visit.

Maybe I have just been grounded in the muck so much that I feel such a desperate need to aim high, leap, and just keep going.

But what I truly crave and need is a good balance because I also love spending time with my family and gardening.

It is difficult to feel on the right track when the most noticeable stimulation is negative feedback.

Maybe it would not have been so bad, but I had a full body adjustment after unknown ecposure which let the virus get into every space of my system.

Oof! Tonight I tested positive.

I knew it wasn’t just a cold: two days of being on fire with every nerve screaming.

It irritates me vastly that this required time off cannot be used productively.

The feeling of being sabotaged pervades everything.

Summertime in San Francisco was more innocently alluring because the more hardcore locals were traveling.

Leaving California and finding a place where other people appreciate natural beauty and have good fundamental values has been a needed life reprieve.

(Title multiple meanings)

My family lineage has a history at fighting against confinement.

(Title Star Wars reference)

Yin and Yang

“Body, flesh, and bone.

The sky above and the earth below”

(Qiotes: The Summoning by Sleep Token)

A way of survival – but not a way of truly living.

Could also be seen as self investigation.

I mean, afterall, it is completely up to me to rootkit what has conscripted my programming.

Trauma keeps trying to become – but IS NOT my identity.

Well, yeah…I have one.

By now, it should be obvious.

(Lol)

Born gentle as a light bringer to love and heal – turned dark and determined to beat back hell’s demons.

Force of impact by blasts of rage is all that ever burst open locked cellar hatches blocking her rise to ascension.

It is here where being nice gets you nowhere.

She could not reconsile the vast, horrendous difference between her life’s work of positive, mindful intention – and the truth of what eventually happened by the works of another’s undermining hand

Sometimes, I hate that I am one of the first.

It is f-ing painful and lonely out here.

What the f*** do I need to do to heal and get to where I need to go?

Suffering can be a part of life – but life is not about suffering!

Maybe I need to find a niche support group.

The body assaulted by virus and pain throughout every inch of crisis territory dives deep into oblivion, waiting for the chance to get back out into fresh air, help other people heal, and generate income again.

Is it better to have an empty head, having captured and written down thoughts – or to have a head bustling full of them, competing for notice?

The way a person adapts and evolves is important to me.

One must fill it with their self to become properly identified.

She had to break off scenes from her memory and cast them out to sea so that they no longer plagued her.

This mean, nasty cold has got me.

I have come this far by sheer will’s determination.

How do I establish new patterns that deflect hell’s descension?

Because we are kindred, and kindred for me is rare.

At least I showed up.

At least, I tried.

After approximately six months of just sheer endurance, one lavendar epsoms bath acquired.

Hal.

Leh.

Lu.

Jah.

One must believe that it IS going to ease up and that the body will heal, eventually…

Efuvius

Low income, create income, challenges hit, someone is sick, I get sick, lose income.