Month: April 2023

The driver noted how his passenger’s return was very different from when she first set out on her journey.

On way to the airport to return to Egypt, she had been animated, anxious but hopeful, and chatty.

On the way back, she kept passing out during conversation late at night while mumbling incoherent, garbled responses to his humor.

She was struggling with the heavy weight of depression from what had just happened, and the pressure of her now stalted monitones eluded his tympanic membrane.

While some well-placed, socialite woman would have just donated her whole wardrobe to charity and revamped her sense of identity, the travelor just returned to the sense of desperation waiting for her on the mountainside.

Free Will is merely an abstract construct once the heart is conscripted into the service of another where there is no hope for reciprocation.

If I find the right word to name it, perhaps the spell will release. For I cannot live another life without also obtaining my ease.

To break any cycle, I must no longer play the game.

It seems that I must keep myself amused and take solace in these brief moments of levity.

It has seemed that the goal one should have when feeling alone is to somehow break the cycle by expanding out from one’s isolation and becoming a part of the greater collective.

However, finding that I can not do that to anywhere near prior capacity, the alternative given to me is to learn to not give a f***.

I must break free of attachments which do not reciprocate my fealty to them.

I wonder at times if I understand and accept in people’s variability more than I ought to.

Worked. Helped people.

Earned money. Spent on supplies.

And helped a woman on tbe street in need.

In analyzing the frenetic hindbrain impulsing, the one thing I can learn to change is not letting myself get caught up in the whirlwind of it.

It may still press and try to drive me, but if I exert my will and become specifically disciplined in my scheduling, then I can reduce adding to it.

Perhaps I can accept less of my productivity – yet, increase quality by gaining the rest that I need.

I need to figure out how to revamp the script of my life: perceptions, interpretations, and how I use and reboot my inner light.

The one consistency has been disruption – so I need to figure out how to make it work for me.

I am already here, so why does it hurt so much?

We have acquired after 12 years of struggle a new starting point.

Why the pressure as if I am encountering resistance?

I face it head on, but lowered – with shoulders hunched and squared forward.

Preparing for work tomorrow requires acknowledging the anxiety brought on by that stupid 5 mgs of prednizone days ago.

My counselor suggests that ssri’s are great for reducing fight or flight reactivity from trauma.

Why? Why would I wish to conscript my already fragile system to more suppressionism?

I do not react well to medications of any kind.

Who and what I am just wants to figure out how to effectively function on my own again.

An issue with unconditional love is that if one truly ascribes to it, it becomes difficult to have proper boundaries – and to recognize when certain situations have become too toxic for one’s health and continued involvement.

So much unnecessary pain in life comes from people accidentally misunderstanding each other.

Yes…let the healing bathe me.

I need it, want it, and must learn how to embrace it.

My youngest and I got through the thickest; my eldest and I are reconnecting; and my ex and I have neutralized toward distant friendship.

I “Swear to God” that this resurgence of trauma processing better dislodge and topple its foundation because there is only so much more pain and suffering from this that I can take before I fe-cking break!

Sometimes, no matter one’s efforts or intentions in swimming life’s currents, forces greater than them can push them too far out to sea – and then leave them crashed and broken on some foreign shore far away from where they first began. And then, they find that there is no home to return to.

Before our first breakup, we had the makings of an amazing life together and I was on my way back to him to tell him that I had figured out how we got misdirected. But then his accidents happened – and from then on, there was never room given for our amends. We were thrown back together and my message rendered mute as survival and family relations took precedence.

“You don’t need me, you know…you have everything that you need, contained inside your head.”

It was a bacterial infection – and after the first day’s double dosage, my lungs are quickly responding!

If I am at the bottom of the swing, there is only going up from here.