Month: April 2023

As I returned to the masjid after a too long absence, women were arriving to prepare for breaking the Ramadan fast together.

I was invited to stay and eat with them, but I only wanted to pray in solitude. I need to attend to my internal wounds and find a way to heal them.

It made me need to cry when I saw their lovely, curly-haired children. One or more of my own could have joined them after a few seasons.

I would like dispensation to pray alone when no one else is present. I need to obtain that sense of Source and feel bathed as sink into its element.

For now, a prayer rug adorns an antique cabinet I collected, and I take occasional sustenance from Medjool Dates – reminding me of the homeland.

It has been my goal to pre-identify, leap to the side, and avoid those presets in viral behaviorism which cause us to repeat harm to current and next generations that then propagate humanity’s descent into oblivion.

Unfortunately, if one’s partner adheres only to their family’s bias and ancestral rhythms, any attempt to reconfigure and innovate can cause the proactivist to be met by resistance, blame, and persecution as “a sinner.”

It is interesting that in my ex-husband’s history, the King Of Scotland married a Pictish princess whom also was denied love and disparaged.

After watching the video sequence from Clann, I cried and cried because my original soul bond story with my ex-husband was so similar, yet in the end, he never came back to me – and in fact, made me “the enemy.”

I dreamed last night that I passed by him at some busy event and stopped to thank him with tears of heartfelt emotion streaming from my eyes.

He had been one of the main positive male/father role models that I could count on as a child.

By the characters he chose to play, he gave me strength to cling to my higher moral values and to maintain the belief that love and kindness should always be at the core of any answer.

(Little House On The Prarie, etc.)

It can keep a true believer caught in a web of another’s deceit – of which there is no ending.

Jaunty gents.

He refused to let her help him truly recover, so she turned away from the healing profession – hoping to avoid further conflict and to be given a chance for them to find a new way to thrive together. However, this wish was never granted.

I have become very proficient at leaving when I realize that I am not valued.

Most people do not notice nor understand the undercurrents – and to be with a man, I would most likely slip (as they have) back into denial.

Fighting two infections but determined to get to work to make rent, I turn off the waking alarm and misread the message as saying, “All dreams are now off.” Kind of my life’s current situation.

“I must rely on adults to keep me safe – yet, every move I make has a consequence.”

“But, you haven’t seen the darkness in me – the terrible, terrible ugly…”

A cell’s job is to retain internal “homeostasis.”

It is designed to resist exiting and entrance.

It is not always guaranteed that its’ holding something within is either good for itself, or the contents.

(Title of multiple meanings)

A peer lost his family’s puppy to a sock and a loved one lost theirs to gut torsion.

Last week, our wolf tore her toenail, and today our hound dismantled her plastic cushion mat.

I am unsure if pieces are in her belly.

I have given – more than I should have been required to.

Because what I gave was not returned even halfway (and in fact, my “reward” ensured that I was devastated), I have no personal experience of a healthy partnership being a possibility for me.

I see and hear about it for others – but in this, my life has not been easy.

Doppelganger versions of my ex-fiance have been appearing in too close vicinities to me.

I find it hilarious – yet, not funny at all.

What is the intention here?

I am not interested.

I’m appalled!