Month: May 2023

Pulled out breach and soon dropped onto head.

It’s a wonder I walk with grace and speak with articulate eloquency.

Nestling into simple patterns so that when difficulties arise, it is easier to address them.

A primary goal for me had been to find my man, have a family, and settle into a life of mutuality and adventurous co-evolving.

Having given my younger decades to this cause, I find it exasperating and disorienting to find myself single and without intention of dating.

I mean, am I just giving up?

Yet, how and why would I wish to invest time in another person who could just change his mind on a whim and leave me in a lurch again?

Like a cat forced to haul itself up a tree, claws extended into scrabbling for traction – then hiss-spitting disfavor on a branch in reaction – I have been alarmed by the ignorant mistreatment of love’s innocent purity by the world.

And I am not pleased.

Perhaps I am still doing to much.

Perhaps I must further do less.

If it is true that I “did everything right” in positivity, then I should no longer accept responsibily for others’ claims that I caused harm.

A scholarship notification came through my email today with tomorrow as its deadline.

It is sizeable enough to grant me 5-6 units, inspiring me to attempt to obtain it!

When a huge truck rumbles aggressively as it speeds past me, I find that I have a reaction of anger at the driver’s obstinant blasting past the speed limit along residential and school zones.

I thought that I just very much disliked the willfulness in lawbreaking being conveyed, but now I wonder if the large and loud noise suddenly growl-rumbling so close to me sets off my alarmed reactivity.

Some say that there are none to Truth.

But there are many, and what matters is honesty.

Our garden in pots can at first look a bit skewn about. But as the season weathers on, more seeds planted and mulch convering placed over the potted soil’s surfaces will make the whole display seem well cultivated.

For as much as I could stay in bed, it seems that I rarely get to indulge in doing so.

I have refused to let myself succumb to that depression I intuited was creeping around hidden corners.

But now at 2am, it feels so wonderful to lie down and let go of gravity’s struggles.

I love that you are moving forward from those dark days which seem not so long ago.

Thank you for taking time this evening to share your special kind of love with our family.

That crisp-chickering sound of a male quail alerting his flock of foragers, my ears had been dialed to keen listening by a sound before that I had thought might be a woodpecker.

With the dogs on the porch, I could hardly believe it – but there he was, a proud sentinal perching on the neighbors fence where I could see him!

And then I realized the call before had also been his, guiding his family.

Tolerance.

Too much willingness to allow understanding of other’s situations has backfired on me.

Allowing people into my sphere and caring for them deeply is what has foibled me.

I did not vet them even more before, as I ought to have.

I just observed that they seemed nice – and my heart was striving.

(Title of multiple meanings)

When I have been quite, self-reserved, and confident, people have felt the need to project onti and pick away at – and even directly challenge me.

These are some of the reasons that I do not often seek social company.

I shared with an employer once that my hair still had its natural coloring.

He was going through a mid-life crises and desperate to gain an edge over anyone and everybody.

I saw then how he took my simple statement of pride – and in his mind, turned it against me.

It has taken me years to tighten skin up again after my attempt to lose weight by innocent carb starvation.

Therefire, I must be slimming down if they are reappearing.

I will take it as a good sign – rather than despairing.

It is clear now, more than ever, that I am the master of my own fashioning.

Since I seem to be stuck in the middle, I may as well write about my experiences.

Having just changed outfits to impersonate the woman’s trusted contact, I as a man could not quite get the dream jump right to relaunch the hovercraft to elevate through the air up to her.

So, I clambered out of the gear, peeled off the oversuit, and instead walked into the building – unsure what my next move would be.

And I walked right past her as she called out quietly to me. Apparently, I looked enough like her guy without the uniform, and I had not expected her to be down by the stairs, waiting in the lobby.

I kept going and turned toward a well-lit room down the hall, ignoring her. I could feel her desperation receed as I put distance between us and waited for the reforming of my game plan.

I smelled warmed Thai food coming from the small gathering’s buffet within what I could now see was a theatre, and thought to myself, “Why not?” as the doors were left wide open as if in invitation. “I’ll just mingle.”

Once I took a seat for the then revealed rally to begin, I realized as my form shifted back to female that my arriving at performances for one reason is frequently turning into another.

“No, you see – you make it too easy! Why didn’t you take that negotiations class from the link that was sent to you?” the man said, for whom such skills now came easily.

“I did not take it because I do not want to become manipulative,” she replied.

“But, the world is becoming more complicated. How are you to manage your position to any higher advantage if you do not get even more savvy?”

Exasperation. She couold tell that he was struggling to not show his deep disappointment. “I expected – I needed better from you by now!”

“Oh…I was never told by any direct means what you wanted or hoped for…

I can no longer participate in the pastime of second guessing,” she mused, “and my whole purpose in life – that which motivates me – is to love.

Anything I would venture into from here means nothing to me without love. I can no longer keep striving for grand adventures hollow-hearted.

I need more than this in my life. My heart must be replenished by love received, for so much that I give to others.

So, if my heart is not matched and love is not reciprocated, I just have to stick to gardening.”

(Title play with words)

Silence…

And space.

I don’t want someone else to fret over.

It must be understood what I have gone through – the choices and options that were given to me.

Keeping myself free from entanglements is the only way that I can see to change the pattern.

Although this really isn’t a change.

It’s just back to the beginning.

An ideal is just a concept if it can not be obtained.

(“Carrot vs. the stick” play with wotds, multiple meanings)

There has to be a way to reset the system – to just purge, cleanse, and grow a new inner dimension.

Exactly when does this happen?

I would like to say that the experience was real, but now I am not so certain.

Constellations passing overhead, breeze rustling heavy through trees, and a new moon smiling down upon me. My cup runs full with happiness for our acquiring simple home necessities.

Who came up with the idea that we should not be honest about our feelings, and that this would ensure that we have productive relationships?

How did this become our societal indoctrination, and is it the cause of so many failed connections?

Usually when people would speak truth, it is about something political or contentious.

Why, then, do I tremble to share my own truth?

Why does the body’s form at first look worse when it is responding to muscle toning?

Two new, individual men have made their presence in person known to me, and I am finding that I am just no longer interested in getting entangled!

As I repot seedlings into next stage containers, having paused my quest and laboring to get more larger pots and soil, I know that it won’t be long before I repeat the process.

But, there is satisfaction in watching my comfort in the garden unfolding while chiding the pup to not eat plastic pots; to stay out of the plants; and to focus on the bone she’s got.