Love has inspired much of what I have accomplished in life, yet my attachments were pattern-linked to far off horizons where my intended has not been available.
Having realized end of 2020 that I have always loved yet another from a distance – and then having the force of that plug into my system – I have been struggling to cut love off like an arm.
But I need the limb, so my heart has deflated.
And I find my id kick-paddling on an innertube in a circle around a pond without motivation.
It just seems so unappealing.
Going out to meet strangers I would know nothing about.
I save that kind of external energy output for clients.
What I need is nourishment and healing.
Dating is not set up to provide soothing.
I would rather spend time with my family.
Every minute I have is precious.
Even if I am sleeping.
I wonder what having star patterns on the skin means. Perhaps they are marks of destiny.
Zoom a bit…
It was a time when she would get to do what she came here to do.
It was why when she sometimes laughed, it shared the frequency as that of a dolphin’s.
She had once had a dream she was standing on a Mediterranean peninsula in the future, and as dolphins arrived in numbers to greet the human world, she could feel in her mind they were revealing secrets of a Great Truth.
The resurgence of knowledge once suppressed by tyrants, this lie controlled by ignorance that we have been forced to adhere to – all of it was rendered obsolete in an instant as the light of comprehension restored our far-seeing vision.
There is the hope that this time, maybe trauma will purge from my system and leave me in peace. At least, this is what other healers are encouraging is happening.
Worth more than offhand treatment.
A friend suggested today that experiencing deep betrayal does not need to be attached to my self worth.
I quipped, “Tell that to the woman who finds herself sold on the slave block!”
For that is how it felt when my ex left me and I watched all that I had created crumble to dust.
(Although I shall reflect upon the wisdom of this essentially-needed differentiation.)
Down through the centuries, I feel tied to origins from other lands far, far away before rebirth in this America.
If you don’t bring the banana, you will want the banana.
But,
If you bring it, you won’t eat it – and it will smell up the car.
How many people have gotten drawn into the world of loving you? Yet, not many have been worthy…
I wanted to take the dogs with me today, but then this would open chaos when I need to stay focused and make it on time to appointments.
Plus, I would need to seek parking in the shade and having “the children” with me is like managing a parade while keeping them fed and watered.
I must remind myself that they are fine, though, with the stay-at-home routines, and not bringing them lightens my load for everything.
I am still realizing how grueling it had been for me that for the last year and a half I had to always control their behaviors to keep housing.
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