Month: June 2023

I cannot blame you for the choices that you have made, for it turns out that I was also hiding from myself.

Now look at me!

I had forgotten that I am a Healer!

I guess maybe that made us incompatible in your eyes, because you did not want what I can and yearn to give.

I did not like the band when a dearest friend was was getting a tatoo in her teens and teetering on the edge of suicide because Kurt’s lyrics were encouraging self downward spiraling.

I did not like them later in life because a lovely man I met used them as a crutch to support all of his reasons for giving up on his potentially having a wonderful life.

I champion Nine Inch Nails because Trent Reznor did NOT give up, and his music and lyrics have encouraged those of us once lost in the dark to creatively process our troubles – and FIGHT!

“Do not confuse ‘like’ with love:
‘Like’ can be simply just ‘like…'”

But, she was not the same as the others…
When he realized this, he hid from sight.

This morning looking into the mirror with my bright fire hair and my galaxy toes, I feel pretty good about myself because this is all different. I needed a change of my own self scenery.

The starburst mirror makes me want to fluff my hair and make cutesy-silly faces at myself.

I had already covered the full length mirror in my bedroom, and now that I have reduced the size of the one in my bathroom, I feel like a redeemed woman.

I do not think that it is healthy to be constantly contemplating one’s body in every room’s passing.

And, somehow, I feel like my privacy has been restored.

I have been trying to work out what is at the root of this heavyness.

I guess it is a sense of injustice.

Unfairness.

When a heart gives everything and more and this is not reciprocated, there is a major sense of being let down.

I have not been surrounded by stellar opportunities.

But, I have made the best of and have done more than my fair share of contributing.

And if there is no great reward for great efforts enacted, my “get up” just has no more “going.”

As I get smaller in my expansion,
I will only burn brighter.

Before the accident in 1994, I had dyed my hair a certain shade of fiery red that had not been easily reproduced since then.

Somehow, I have managed to produce this today by accident.

I think of how heavy I feel inside in comparison to back then when the world was still opening up before me.

What really has changed but what I have been through?

I must find another way to begin again.

Perhaps it is a state of being very, very tired.

Galaxy Toes

As the hair dye sets and nail polish layers, I wonder about this transformation.

Establishing my own niche with specific parameters.

I will not flirt nor pandor
By donning artificialities.

I have been asking friends about dating apps and listening to their failure-but-then-success stories.

I play with the idea that I would post a profile and embark upon this exploration with courage.

But, in truth, I have absolutely no interest in doing so.

I do not want to be jostled about in the search for love’s return.

I do not want to experience further distorted projections onto me as I am rejected.

I do not have a negative complex about myself, just years and years of negative feedback experiences.

The pool of humanity I would he fishing from in such a venue is not up to my standards.

I am not sure how to obtain and receive what I am looking for.

It is not easy showing up some place unannounced, yet beckoned by visions.

Do I have restraint?

Strength’s endurance?

Clearly, I am to be one.

Maybe ever alone.

To what purpose?

I guess it is time to combine two colors and temporarily dye my hair again.

Disgruntled

Those dreams and clear-messaged meaning were supposed to represent my own and love’s redemption.

They were not supposed to lead me to a front row, open-hearted seat of “here’s another guy choosing another woman over me.”

Who needs that?

What the f***, destiny?!

My hands do not need words, nor do my senses in interpretation need to validate what I find and help in muscles to aid their healing.

However, being able to speak the terminology proficiently raises my status immensely in the eyes of other professionals’ acknowledging.

I can no longer pressure myself directly, but must expand into learning organically.

My youngest will be entering training which requires anatomy and physiology.

Now, there can be mutual reinforcement and play to lure me back into studying!

Of talents I would like to further develop, I am usually often singing.

I have found a teacher who would like my healing, so will set appts for us to begin exchanging.

I was sharing today with my youngest how I have been feeling too lonely lately.

They gave me a big, understanding hug and said, “It’s ok that you want to give and receive real connection with a partner, Mom. The people in our family’s lineage just love very deeply.”

Such thoughts are similar to soothings I used to give to my children, now gifted in their adulthood as advanced concepts for my own healing’s progressing.

I have eaten many fresh-baked this evening.

Sometimes, a person just needs to gorge.

Subscapularis, infra and supraspinatis – as well as teres – muscles join together to insert into the posterior shoulder.

When deactivated, the “cuff” union no longer helps stabilize the shoulder by counter-rotating the joint backward, and instead allows anterior attachments of other muscles to ratchet-up the forward torque.

This causes other muscles nearby to spasm, further exacerbating the problem – and even sometimes results in pinch-compressioning over nerve bundles, which causes nerve pain.

Hot flashes are the worst!

What is interesting is that they seem to be coming from my shoulder.