Month: July 2023

They say to open your heart to it, and it shall arrive, ever flowing.

But even though I claim after reach for this, it is taking time to shake off lack’s anxiety.

They say that if I let go of the past, I can then have the present and be free to expand into the future.

But realistically, I can not fully let go of the past until the present leads me into the future.

For once I am experiencing new beneficial stimulation, only then will I be more able to let go of what until then has defined me.

When we were without a home for the second time, the crushing grind of circumstantial resistance as I would show up each day to push against it weighed heavily upon me.

I kept battling back thoughts of self doubt and considerations of my being unworthy while attempting to sail well through existential crisis.

Did I have a right to assert my claim for a home? Was it foolish or important to keep holding on to this ideal of a throne?

My subjects kept on a hillside awaited through heat and then rain. Now as I water our garden, we praise life together again.

I am likely more needed
As well-spoken support.

Since we moved into our new home, whenever a specific small yappy dog of our neighbors pack goes into their backyard and hears anything from us, she has continued barking aggressively with her high-pitched shrillness, causing my stress levelss to hike to new proportions.

But, we have never yelled at her or told her to be quiet (though lord knows that I have muttered curses under my breath because in this type of situation, I am no saint!), thinking that perhaps over time she would accept us as non-threatening and chill out.

Yeah, right.

Nope.

Never has happened.

Until…

Until this evening when I was planting the irises right up to the fence and she came snarling at me as usual, posturing up to the fence.

I broke my silence at last by pouring all tbis delighted love and joy into my voice, saying something like, ” Well Hi there! Aren’t you the sweetest darling thing! How are you doing?!” In a “come here and let me love and hug all over you” type of voice.

Two more barks to test my reaction, more excited welcoming love-voicing – and she ran away shutting her mouth, wanting none of it!

This evening, I planted 52 purple bearded irises transplanted from an acquaintence’s efforts to thin out overcrowding at her apartment complex.

I have desired to have this specific type as they are gloriously gorgeous when they bloom and smell enchanting.

All that time on the mountain, I kept chiding myself to not be upset, prodding myself to keep lifting my chin.

But, we didn’t belong there – anymore than a fish being put onto dry land can learn to swim.

We belong here.

It is a place where we can begin.

I have a whole inner world that I am living as it processes experiences.

Looking back, it is wild to see how much I waited on my partner to come investigating.

Meanwhile, the rest of the world had no clue about my expansive points of view.

I realize now that for so long I have been responsible for ensuring others’ well being.

It is a part of my nature that enjoys nurturing, so philosophically, I have no problem with this.

In fact, I am proud of my track record’s history.

However, this is the first time when I can schedule staying in bed sometimes until late morning and take moments with the dogs to bask outdoors in the sun for a few minutes.

It feels good to get a good bone bake, and I realize that for too long, this has been lacking.

I now get to be more self indulgent.

“Ah, that’s the stuff of dreams…”

I was speaking in complex conversation weavings with my youngling today and when I reached for it, I was able to ask for and divine through the parting layered clouds of my mind Neil deGrasse’s name!

I was so excited!!!

A song by Stephen Stills that is so powerfully beautiful in its manifestation of the sense of love, yet its overall message promotes infidelity.

Honestly, it hurts.

I can perceive so much and yet feel the vast emptiness.

There is no answering call.

No conversations to fill and grow my mind.

I am starved.

Not desperate – although the hunger could drive me to be.

Just craving.

Needing.

Wanting.

That right kind of interaction that satisfies.

Yearning.

It is amazing how much negative messaging we have been fed to persuade our feeling bad about wanting to have and experience real connection.

I am withdrawing from the dating sites because A) I do not like getting locked into paying for a service that does not guarantee results nor quality, and B) I am not a person who is part of the mainstream’s common reality.

The few men that I have desired and loved have been less than fulfilling relationships for me.

I valued the quality of their individuality, did not select for flexibility, and was denied nourishment.

Online dating is not my group of peeps.

“… a genus of American perennial herbs (family Nyctaginaceae) having a tubular-campanulate brightly colored calyx subtended by an involucre that resembles a …”

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/Mirabilis#:~:text=%3A%20a%20genus%20of%20American%20perennial,calyx%20see%20four%2Do’clock

Open and honest communication, passion for embracing life complexities, and affectionate bonding are things I am into. Monogamy is my default setting: looking for like-minded unicorn. I play lap drums, art out a bit, photograph cloud creatures, and write poetic musings. Healer class.

I have not agreed with the belief that bad things need to happen to people in order for them to learn.

I have always been open to learning, and bad things happening have not enhanced my life in any way, shape, or form.

Therefore, the only conclusion I can make about my path having been full of bad things is that I must have been taking a short cut through the brambles to get here.

My intuition must have had a very good reason.