Beyond Set Back

Before the car accident, I had begun feeling at last that someday I might be able to run again.

I had relished the idea of being able to ride my bicycle.

I had flourished in the warm heat of summer’s baking into my bones again.

Now, my joint connections quiver.

My steps are unsteady and hips insecure.

The nerves in my hands flare and muscles begin overtightening if I use them beyond minimal.

I am minus back-to-the-beginning.

In fact, I am so far back as to be set into a state of coordination’s confusion.

Movement pings my consciousness into sensations not reassuring – and if I am not careful, I can tip too easily into panic’s desperation from fear of stumbling and falling.

I drop things more often, as my outer finger grippers are nerve-pathway overstimming.

And this is being allowed to still “reach for” rejoining disrupted synaptic connections, whereas other people have been barred.

Possibly forever.

That’s where the panic comes in – and the desperation when I’m thinking I must push harder.

It is frightening to feel my body and mind short-circuiting.

I can feel the maw’s edge closer than most of us would normally ever perceive – again – and it is terrifying.

It is more convincing now that I should just submit to it and give up.

It is Demanding.

Maybe I need more rest.

Give me back that buffer – that place that for a moment, I believe that I am still capable of achieving nearly anything.