Month: October 2023

While they were eating and talking, he gave her a sideways look which was not consistent with the conversation.

Had she not been mindful of her own behavioral interaction, it seemed designed to have gotten in under her boundaries and elicit a subconscious reaction.

She reigned herself back from responding, and from that moment, the rest of their conversation tapered off as if the script was ending.

What I want to know is would I self-regulate in an intimate, bonded relationship if given the right amount of love and nurturing.

I know that I have tried and self-sustained for “eons” – twice – but that now I have a “complex of love starvation” because in the end, I was judged to be “too needy.”

This conclusion is not the result of accurate data, but rather from interacting with partners who did not have their own internal issues managed – nor were they actively working upon them in relationship.

Listen.

When any two people come together and get close beyond the usual boundaries, I must burst the “illusion bubble of perfection” to say that, “Hey! Issues will come up and projections upon one another are going to happen!”

Like it or not, we are hardwired as a species to need and affect one another.

And we instinctively seek healing within the succor of each other’s company.

Yes, we can do a ton of work on ourselves and make progress.

But the result of these efforts can immediately become challenged and “destabilized” once we reenter into intimacy with another human being, unless the reality of our nature is mutually and openly acknowledged.

Which is why we have to put the work into ourselves and each other while in relationship by proactively addressing and cleaning up the scenes left by previous negative interactions.

We need to reassess our internal paradigms and agree on points for proceeding in order to best sync up together.

That being said, let’s pose a scenario:

I have sustained a blood blister on my inner right forefinger from the twice “mean pinching” of tweezers inadvertently grabbing my skin while I squeezed them closed in tightening loosened nuts that were destabilizing my chair’s legs.

It was shocking and hurt very much at the time when I got pinched once – then twice- which could have been an opportunity for a partner’s compassion.

Say my guy gives me loving attention by empathizing, kissing my finger, making a light joke to get me laughing, and then we have a little snuggle.

(Hey, it’s my fantasy – so let me embellish and enjoy it a moment ;D)

I feel better, and he gets to be the hero.

But the next time something like this happens, will I ache inside if he does not address it the same way? Even worse, will I eventually become angry if lack of response to similar situations continues?

(Here is where open communication about each partner’s “love language” is handy so that “hopes and expectations” can be agreed upon to bridge by representation of some commonality.)

I know I need love and attention, having been the giver and way less often the receiver.

Most importantly, if I was in a truly nourishing relationship, would it be filled with similar responses of care and consideration as to allow me at some point to feel “love fed” and cherished so that “always” and “never” were no longer words that even need be considered?