November 22, 2023
By Athena Stairs
I’m usually never on time someplace; always running a few minutes late.
And if I’m early – check my temperature.
Something’s wrong with me for that day.
You know…
The concept of being on time is a bit laughable to me as we humans insisting upon societal interactive complexity outside the norms of compassion, and despite the variance and variations that can happen on any give day – for us to expect people to show up precisely at one time is baffling to me.
I mean, I get it.
If we don’t, how will we get things done in a timely, ordered fashion?
But, my life has never really supported me in this capacity.
Because really, we are the ones who determine whether or not we show up anywhere at a certain time – or so it would seem.
But, when you’re taking on other people’s needs and they’re more like a cat, or like wolves – which are more like cats and “otherlings” – other than you know a dog, like a Labrador Retriever that you can train to ultimate, responsive obedience…
When you are dealing with other beings that are highly independent – especially if that’s the climate you are cultivating in your family system (sigh) – being the one and only person with appreciation for order and progression is like managing just supreme anarchy.
And it’s not like it’s the same anarchy.
You’ve got what the cats are doing; you’ve got what the dogs are doing; you’ve got what the kids are doing; you’ve got what the husband with the disability is feeling – generally, overall, resistant to anything not of his own free thinking…
(laughter)
That’s my ex – kudos, shout out to you for your massively well-developed sense of self independence!
We can just edit that right out – but you know, you gotta admire it.
But as far as functionality and (laughter) cooperation – eh, most of that has fallen to me.
And as I’ve gotten worn down from being the one doing the constant labor; doing the constant reconfiguring as things fall apart…
You know, no one really bringing up the hide end/hind end or helping me pick up things as they’re falling…
Being the one visionary while holding the torch, and slashing and cutting at all things dark that have been attacking…
You know…I just really can’t afford to care as much as I do (clearly, in my mind) about being somewhere on time.
You know – especially when I’m injured.
I’m carrying around a world of pain; my brain is foggy and fragmenting, thinking about this or that thing that I’m trying to keep going; and in my preparing to leave the house, even, much of that isn’t even about me!
It’s about making sure that everything at home is managed so that when I leave, there’s a chance that things won’t fall apart at the seams.
So that by the time that I get to me – scrambling to make sure that I’ve got some kind of food; did I take my vitamins and pain medication…
What clothes do I even have out of the few, meager pickings?
Which one am I going to wear today that will be most efficient and cover all potentialities?
It’s exhausting!
And I need to catch up on my sleep, which does not come easy.
Candid Corvid Productions 