The underlying reason I feel “unattractive” by societal standards is because media propagates avoiding representations of truth!
And my standard of being the most authentic, good versions of my self expression (at least when around others – lol) goes directly against this messaging!
No wonder I feel that I am all alone in the world amidst a sea of obscurity, and that I cannot trust others to value me!
Seeing another woman receive such generosity from a partner that they did not put in work for.
Some precious things ought not to be given away so easily due to “beauty” or “status” or “fantasy.”
Or “overcompensation.”
But “truth” is not always seen as attractive.
The complete trust that I extended,
The way I admired and appreciated him:
These are not things to be given again
Without the recipient being match-worthy.
So neat! If you look at the light on the left, it looks like the sun during the day and its light coming through tall, thick forest trees to illuminate a place previously bound by shadows.
It is hard to feel “good enough” when I have not already developed “industry proficiency.”
It doesn’t feel “substantial” to have raw talent, in whatever stage and form it may be.
How am I supposed to thoroughly detail a car with these injuries?
(Gnashing of teeth while considering)
Step by step, and over many days.
So frustrating!
Not wearing foundation makeup – generally, fine “spackle” to cover and “hide” any imperfections – disallows one any “false” confidence.
Do we need to see an ideal of perfection in our reflections to portray true beauty’s grace?
If I depended upon this for my character, my truth would be off-base.
Tell me something worthwhile in such moments of grief and loss.
Don’t fake it – make it meaningful.
Let your words take me someplace extraordinary.
She knew that when they threatened her it was because they lacked skills and understanding.
But that did not stop the pain from hurting.
The countdown for purging internal insanity.
“Stop It! Let Go Of Me!” She struggled to break free of their insinuitive, grasping influences. “I just want my own power – at nobody else’s expense!”
“I am not a great beauty, I am Jane Eyre. And your love is all I need, Edward.”
I should have said it – straight forward – on the day of his accident.
I was too polite.
Too caring.
Too sensitive to the direness of his situation.
And it never stopped being dire – even with the lull of his drawn-out “waking coma.”
It wasn’t fair, really.
My being “set up” to be stuck on pause in that situation.
The elements had conspired against him, though my will’s love had been advocated for and a second chance granted.
In the end, “Loki’s” trickster ways won, anyway.
He’s a right brute-bastard, that one.
I’d like to sock him in the chops, sometime.
Or maybe mess with his own head by kissing him.
Too often, we do not express our deepest truths in life as we are living.
“Who are you?” he asked of her, mildly flustered,
“I am ‘love that finds a way.’ And I’ve found you.”
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it. I always do!” she valiantly decreed.
“No you won’t,” he chided softly from those warm tambor depths
” I know I won’t…I never do.”
(Title play with words.)
The dreams of him loving her had been about the person he had portrayed and those soul qualities.
To save her heart from further pain, she needed to avoid knowing what the real man was doing.
I shall pretend that their uncertainty in every step is because I have just come into port from a long sea voyage.
I really love being back into the music scene!
Will there be enough of it to achieve my next great advancements?
Has it taken this long for me to learn enough to now begin doing what I came here to do?
Or has the delay been from time needed to reclaim ground that traumatic events blasted?
Zoom.
When I try to record my wild side singing, she hides out of view and what comes out is a mere croaking memory.
What we are designed for and aim to be.
It seems the skin of my eyelids is trying to cover up what I have seen. For in perceiving deeper implications, the mind is want to scream!
I wonder how many artists are, in truth, tormented souls.
“I see what you are doing!
Even though I am cloaked in sanctity – you thought you’d be my undoing!”
Many people would jump at the chance to become famous – at least in portayal of their legacy.
But if asked, some true creatives living closest to and tending to their own source would disagree – especially if no permission was asked for nor given.
“Do not use me as some other girl’s portrayal of womanly character!
I have fought hard to win my own authenticity.
No one else gets to take the credit!”
Sometimes it is from economic influences.
Sometimes it is from one’s own or another’s choices and behaviors.
And sometimes it is from sheer determination to make a life better for one’s self and their dependents.
“Maybe it’s your side that needs fixing…” with regards to Twin Flame reunions.
But then, the whole Twin Flame relationship seems like a b.s. racket in how its dynamics are set up.
Why be bound to someone spiritually who by splitting off as a half from a whole is possibly no longer alike you in any way?
And what would incentivize them to “rejoin” with you, now that they’ve acquired a new sense of freedom?
(Title play with words)
When it was taken, I was trying out the concept of wearing glasses and had just reached a level of modified stability after recovering from the first bout of homelessness by extreme circumstances.
I was at last feeling a bit recovered then, and that the world was again opening up for me.
I was determined to make the most of it – as can be seen in my hopeful and youth-filled smiling.
I reflect in review how it is said that negative patches in one’s life can be seen over time as just blip-hiccups in the relative scheme of comparative positives.
Yet, it seems that my life’s trends have been full of managing some sort of substantial loss and tragedy.
That being said, I can still hope and reach for someday flipping circumstances to represent more in my favor.
See the far off dragonlet on the right to center coming home to its waiting parents on the lower left?
I must learn to become this regarding my own flights of creative-expressive whimsy.
She didn’t often pray to God nor ask for “angelic assistance.”
No, she was much more determined and innovative than this!
But, she did often ask for postive guidance from the universal elements
I guess in New Age terms, this could by default include “spirit and master guides,” as well as “animal familiars” and nature’s energies.
All of which could also include God and the angels.
Meanwhile, her crystal minerals gave her a sense of stability when psychic bombardment became overpowering.
Yet, she was not interested in “sacred rituals” beyond the very simple perceived necessities if something in the air seemed negative or life seemed to become too imbalanced.
And, it is always good to reinforce sense of self protection and to refocus one’s intentions.
Yeah…
She was more of the tenacity that clings to the belief that a twig fallen off from a tree should have its own right to root, sprout, and propagate its seeds for reforesting depleted biomes.
Acting is playing pretend in profoundly meaningful and innovative levels.
Yet, writing’s creation develops entire universes.
Being a visionary, I tend to observe patterns and realize that I am not in the same “giving to others” capacity as I have been through my earlier adult years.
I am still generous of spirit, observant-empathetic, and lovingly caring, but I now need to carve out space for my own self to exist while attempting to push aside event and circumstantial wreckage.
In other words, it seems that I have a lot of “personal housekeeping” to attend to.
I don’t even want to talk about the lifelong persecution complex I seem to have had plaguing me – it already attempts to divert my attention from what really matters to me!
If I begin creating and producing my own projects and fulfilling my own personal dreams, will the messaging at last recede?
Candid Corvid Productions 