This is part of the tangled brain’s system.
Difficulty is ikely due to nerve compression.
This makes it hard to navigate career retraining data collection / interpretation.
Doing the work, itself, is not the problrm.
And yet, the extreme vexation from visual overload and brain mis-signaling is vexing.
Which burns limited tolerance capacities.
As no therapy yet has addressed the overstretched support tissues surrounding my nerves and I am still denied boon of receiving help from neurology specialists, I have embarked upon my own form of torture therapy.
I have cushioned, rubber flip flops that are firm enough in the surface area of my thongs to rock my imbalance all over the place, causing my limb and torso muscles to shake and wuiver and my vertigo to swing extreme range.
Well…
Even though this alarmingly increases nerve compression and resultant referential numbness spreading, what else can I do while waiting and deadlines keep crushing?
My new belt split at its highest use point, tearing off the flange most needed.
I can’t play the role you need, but I love you unequivocably.
“We must take to the Higher Ground Together, my very brave and valid pack leader in training!”
Though I climbed to higher ground to escape man’s latest machinations, my second-in-command paced to find me.
Rather than greetimg me with wagging tail and renewed faith from my recent proven accomplishments, for a second time since the herd left I found myself backed up against a boulder defending myself under attack, pressed by fear in lost pack security.
As I self defended, I countered in every way my exhausted brain could think to dodge the blows against my reason, but youth’s unrelenting desperation kept hitting me in waves and my wearied mind took damage.
In last attempt to keep from harming them from my own fear’s reactivity and hurt rage at being turned against, I disengaged and slipped past them – and kept running to stay out of reach while as I distanced it hurt my soul to hear their howls of frustration.
I am accused now of abandoning my pack’s needs. I am accused of negligent leadership – as if I have not been right here protecting them and foraging resources for continued survival despite my untended injuries.
My heart feels outcast from my clan again, and it grieves me that youth is so inclined to turn against wiser elders during difficulties.
Man has been efficient in cutting families off from loving cohesion, ensuring our tribes remain divided and weakened in numbers.
At first, they murdered us out of fear and in the name of their progress. Now they starve us due to pure greed and intolerance – for anything Wild, Man must be sure to destroy.
Is it a type of afflicted illness?
For surely Man is insane.
Yet it is up to us to rally against this madness to find our peace again.
The leader’s second in command turned on her. “I need to lead, break out on my own. The events now occurring should be better under your control. Forget that you are a wolf and become human. For the pack, you must forget your rank and name. It is your fault that our game has been driven away.”
But not built to quit.
It’s actually quite funny how everyone keeps expecting that I can still do everything.
Even I still keep pushing to make “the impossible” happen.
If you knew…if you knew the hell I am going through…well then we would likely take a moment to honor it – and then probably laugh and say “Even so, it could be worse!”
“533 holds a message of growth and transformation. The angels are urging you to let go of any fears or doubts that are holding you back and embrace the changes that are happening in your life.”
That’s how they do it.
The negative suppressive-oppressive powers of Man rip apart our cohesion by driving away the game.
So our packs separate into factions pressured by fear of hunger.
And turn upon each other.
“There is a close connection between reason and emotion.”
Oxford dictionary
It had felt good to feel her strength as she went after the underlings who had stepped out of bounds, not thinking in their excitement and over-anticipating.
Yet, she didn’t know how to reconcile the need to feel that rush of power through her limbs and the deep remorse of having frightened and confused relationships.
A self-acclaimed protective-defensive “tyrant” asserting pack adherence to her dominance in reaction to lack of control over extreme external circumstances and incensed anger over “alpha” males always choosing some simpering sheila.
I want my independence back.
I am afraid to plant seeds in the ground.
“I generally do not like traveling across swampy midlands, as there is no safe place to rest when tired from flying.”
I have moved into wearing eye shadow because I can no longer stand to see the color drained out from my complexion.
I am happy with the moments
I have been honored to capture
Inspired by colored light’s sound
Beckoning attention’s turn around.
Somewhere inside I’m crying:
I can feel far off wailing keen
For try as I might toward recovery
Progress delays by still yet unseen.
I am no longer sure what was true between us, but the outcome damaged confidence.
I will likely just handle arbitration without a lawyer.
I have done it before and I am not asking for much.
Just what I am rightfully due.
Just what is Just.
It seems clear now that I was sent to you to be a catalyst.
Part of the prompting system – if not the carrot, then the prod for you to make a certain decision.
I hate being used in such capacity.
No matter how I wrestle with it, it always cuts deeply because I lost.
Fresh wounding, always repeating.
There seems to be no balm to soothe.
I hate that.
I could not risk further diminishing myself in order to be with you. It seems to have been the cost for my being in a relationship.
Yesterday, someone brought up this subject with regards to our internal dialogue paradigms.
In the realm of negative self talk, for example, etc.
I don’t have this issue in the normal assumed way, but I do deal with a lot of internal jag regarding past received negative messaging that I am constantly deflecting.
There is actual injury, and then there are feelings and assumptions tangled up in the processing of it.
Finding out ways to clear the jumble can help decrease one’s perception of suffering.
This seems something worth looking into.
There is a fine line to walk here.
If I obtain a lawyer, my insurance company will no longer be allowed to speak with and/or assist me in the process.
I am not surprised at the timing of all of this, though. Especially as it is poised to disrupt me on the verge of succeeding in retraining.
“At fault” coverage is dwindling, so my insurance wants to cut further payouts before they can no longer recoup this funding.
Of course, the actual facts of the matter did not pursuade the doctor to change her position.
To do so would be to admit her error, and to acknowledge error would damage the 3rd party’s reputation for dislodging insurance recipients from their valid claims.
I wonder what the actual percentages are for the 3rd party ruling in claimants’ favor.
A specialist office called me today and told me that “the only way they could see me was if my claim was closed.
And by the way, other offices like theirs locally were not taking new patients.”
Sounded fishy to me.
If we each have specific needs and wants, does this make us predictable along a line of continuum?
What if we break out of molds and abdicate preordained roles in order to better hone and refine our intentions?
Candid Corvid Productions 