Imaginary Lover

She figured that she likely had trauma associations now and wondered how it could ever be possible for her to have a healthy partnered relationship.

Always prayed to and projected upon as if she could influence – or in fact, that she was the oracle, itself – made her realize that she might now have internal control issues.

She had repeatedly observed the process, beginning with the glazed look that came over their eyes after their first meeting her.

That moment when they shifted from no longer seeing her as a to-be-prized-and-cherished woman of talent, and began seeing her as something threatening that they needed to overcome and conquer.

The men used her as their internal demons’ reflections, and so she could see how if she ever saw that glazing again in an actual partner’s eyes, that this could prospectively send her into a subconscious panic of needing to immediately challenge and change the situation.

And her panic would likely not initially express itself productively because she had had it negatively ingrained into her being that she had no right to speak about the truth of her needs or bring attention to the truth about what was happening and how it made her feel in danger and diminished.

She was supposed to just stay in the mode of being only a vessel, and this, therefore, caused great conflict against herself, within her.