She could hear them: happy people.
Sailing past on that rare trip, and playing down below in the sand, if they ventured.
Month: December 2024
Involuntary Weakness
The reason that she had stayed in a longterm relationship full of neglect was because there had been a medical situation clouding perception of underlying reality.
Authority
“We must reclaim our own.”
Lost Chances
“I remember when I at last felt his physical strength returning, as he grabbed me and we struggled.
I hadn’t felt him in his body, nor his true presence there for years.
Never having done so before, I hit him firm in his side and against his chest with the flat of my hands, at last sobbing out loud wildly, ” Wake up! Wake UP! WAKE UP!”
And looking into his eyes, I only saw confusion as they were at last coming clear.
Later, I realizsd that he must have been masking himself – hiding from me for all of that time – as if my love had somehow been a threat to his very existence.”
A Brief Reprieve
Walking out past the guards who trusted her to return, she climbed up to the cliffs overlooking the Mediterranean Sea, feeling the blowing breeze gentle-flapping her robes and tugging at strands of her tied-back hair.
As she reached the cliff tops, it almost felt as if she could fly away were she to just open her arms wide and lean forward a little bit more to capture the lift streaming up from the beaches below.
Stepping forward closer to the cliff’s edge, she closed her eyes and sensed for where the updraft would catch her.
Suddenly, a far off voice called out “Don’t do it, Cassandra!”
Startled, she jumped back, abruptly returned to her wretched reality.
Looking around her, she found no one there.
Imaginary Lover
She figured that she likely had trauma associations now and wondered how it could ever be possible for her to have a healthy partnered relationship.
Always prayed to and projected upon as if she could influence – or in fact, that she was the oracle, itself – made her realize that she might now have internal control issues.
She had repeatedly observed the process, beginning with the glazed look that came over their eyes after their first meeting her.
That moment when they shifted from no longer seeing her as a to-be-prized-and-cherished woman of talent, and began seeing her as something threatening that they needed to overcome and conquer.
The men used her as their internal demons’ reflections, and so she could see how if she ever saw that glazing again in an actual partner’s eyes, that this could prospectively send her into a subconscious panic of needing to immediately challenge and change the situation.
And her panic would likely not initially express itself productively because she had had it negatively ingrained into her being that she had no right to speak about the truth of her needs or bring attention to the truth about what was happening and how it made her feel in danger and diminished.
She was supposed to just stay in the mode of being only a vessel, and this, therefore, caused great conflict against herself, within her.
Sacrifice
It was difficult to have faith in men when she witnessed first hand their debauchery.
The whole of society was suffering from it.
Open Closure
She had felt her heart blossom with pure happiness at having thought that she’d found someone real, again.
But suddenly, she felt things shift between them, and her heart labored under pain of being censured from the equation.
Something was very wrong here.
It then took several months for her to extract herself from the situation, to be left reeling in shock from blanched exposure.
(Every Heartbeat – Elderbrook, Hotel Session #41)
Saying Goodbye
“For me to otherwise stay in a shallow relationship would be addiction under the constant, active threat of rescission.”
There Oughta Be A Law
Against the manufacture of dark chocolate covered chickpeas.
WT-?
(Midnight City – M83)
Streaks In Gray
Rainwashed streets reflect lights, reaching beyond boundaries.
(Shadows Of The Heart – ZUNA)
In Mourning
In deciding to return the outdoor Christmas lights, rather than put them up, I realize that in doing so, I am embracing the sense of loss that seems all pervading.
And I need shoes.
(Wonder – Shawn Mendes)
Silent Letter Day
Re-Evolution
There are those who wish to tear us down, those who help stop this from happening, and those who help us ascend to new levels.
Searching For The Sun
The last two months have been filled with shifting elements and emergencies.
Wait a minute…
So were the months before those.
And the years before those.
And…
At some point, there must have been some calm spots?
I can barely remember when they were, or what they felt like.
One Of Two
The heart wants what it needs, and at some point, can no longer endure trials without it.
Marked For Life
“Am I cursed, or is there a better destiny waiting for me?” she cried out into her arms.
(Title of multiple meanings)
The Martyr
“Please don’t leave me here for the rabid wolves,” she begged, hoping that her one was listening.
The Crash
A nice thing about it was that once she hit bottom, there was only going up from there
Cleaning Up After A Toddler
“Dear Void,”
Holding Ground
Sometimes, it’s just all that one can do.
Lost In The Crowd
How many times among the heads bobbing
Have you searched – only to find intangibles
That you could take home and hold, but
Could not reciprocate love on your terms
Beyond mere illusion
Of a night’s reprieve?
“Psychedelic”
“Illuminous”
The Waiting Game
It can’t be seen by the public eye
But leaks out around my family
That lockdown, semi-functional
Catatonic, slow-motion moving
More in my mind than body
But discoordinates plenty
I could go to a dance party tonight
Blow off steam and hear new music
But my being craves what’s known
Running on the elliptical as if home
Imaginary roads being traveled with
Barriers being overcome by striding
Opposite from fear’s innate paralysis
Telling me I can’t create until it’s safe.
(Some Day – Little Foot ft. Eirik Naess)
The Puppet Master
Would force the dolls to remove their own hearts before he would play with their strings.
(Content of multiple meanings)
“Absinthe”
“Blue Emerald”
Ableton
I purchased lessons awhile ago and have the recordings.
How do I get from cleaning up wreckage to progressing in my projects?
The Count Of Monte Cristo – Dantes Meets Jacopo
Never Again
“To be in the position where my children are cherished and doted upon – but not me.”
(Places – Elderbrook & Shimza)
Reckoning
Give me the prospect of hope, any day or time.
Conflict
Being the brundt of it sucks!
Regarding Reapplying
“No…what you gave me was a recipe for my life being filled again with nightmare fodder!”
A Sock In The Car
“I’m not interested in ‘single sock mode’ right now…”
No f***s to give as to why it is there.
Fighting Off Despair
Being an isolated unit that is targeted by unfair disparagements.
Differentiation
Distance is needed when people’s behaviors are toxic to the internal self’s thriving.
Love Withheld
For being a beneficial and nurturing prime candidate for good partnership.
—
For miscommunications due to lack of sharing common language during crisis.
(Lost In The Search Party – Alamance)
Damnation
“Being an angel cast into hell to be roasted is not my idea of a good time!”
Defence Mech Lockdown
Not fun to be on the receiving side of it.
Space-Time Continuum
I’m out here
Struggling
To rise
Above
Shallow
Waters
We went back home
To California
It was good to own
The streets again
To grace the doorways of
A past life’s memories
At the Morro Bay’s
Cozy bungalo
A hotel drain
Made rhythm
From softly pouring
Gentle raindrops
I have a burbling
Tempo recording
From late night arrival
Waking too early next morning
Cayucos waters
Were cold
But not as cold
As Oregon’s
Our ocean low tide waves
Sidled up to greet and hug our legs
And we played in their wonderment
Fingers carressing flowing liquid
My youngest gathering
So many gems for us
My occassional attempts
At stone throw-skipping
A surfer went out of his way
To make sure I’d see him
What could it mean
When we were leaving?
And I sobbed in the waves
For all of the love that I have lost
In all I have accomplished
This has been the greatest cost
Friends reuniting at our favorite
Burger joint, bakery, and bookstore
Beloved and missed
Extended family
Full circle closure
As new life begins
Gasoline pop-splattering
Refilling the car rental
As if elements conspired
To prevent our departure
Destroyed my
Favorite outfit
Causing scenes of
Managed distress
Wondered what passengers
On the return flight thought
After scrambling
To board on-time
Loving the plane
And shuttle rides
But yelling – panicked in the car as got
Stuck high between bridge transitions
Portland city lights are gorgeous
But driving needs solid ground
Vertigo’s a real bitch
To me these days
Dreamed that I had
An infant daughter
With short
Dark hair
And calm
Demeanor
You never know until later
What a child’s hair color will be
If it will be straight or
Wild and curly
Oh, you should
Have seen her
It felt so good to hold her in
Mother and child synergy
My two have flown
The nest is empty
My own wings still sticking
Held tight as a single mother
Are in need of shaking free
Flexing, strengthening
And my instincts
Are disoriented
Do I rebuild
Or fly away?
Candid Corvid Productions 