Male Bonding

Heart Strings

“I want to be able to make you laugh,” he confided wistfully.

“I can’t just give you my heart, without it being earned,” she replied, which drove his interest further into frenzy.

She knew that if she showed him genuine affection, he would quickly lose interest.

In fact, he was the type to usually reject her, so her strategy was disinterest.

Meanwhile, she felt hollow inside because her heart belonged to another who would not manifest.

And she had to make attempts at “being present in reality.”

But it was fecking gruelling.

Male Bonding

Unfilled Well

There was a man who wanted to love her.

He took her into his arms and gave her warmth.

She said nothing, knowing speech would break the spell.

He projected onto her, made her his savior.

Confided in her while they were undercover.

Told her of his wife and children, and about how he longed for another.

He valued her, protected her because he could fill her with whatever.

She was a vessel – a shell to be conquered.

But she was alone and empty, even with external comforts because he did not know her well.

He did not want her for hersdlf.

He did not give himself to her completely, relegating her to being an outsider.

—,

(Men projecting at the gym)

Society

Agency Help

“‘Once in a lifetime’ phrasing somehow does not feel encouraging when one is still in a state of need and recovery.

It’s kind of like being swept onto a dustpan and then1 shaken off outside of the door to a house now closing as you land on your butt, unceremoniously.

Of course, I’m grateful…but also extremely embarrassed.”

Lone Wolf

Kindred Instinct

At the gathering, she recognized a few had traveled from farther away than was usual.

They ranged around her at distance, nonchalantly mingling with the other visitors naturally – separate, yet together.

It was their behavior that was similar in how they looked at her at different times, and then communicated directly to one who was their leader.

She could sense intention pass between them, as if her ears were selective antennae able to pick up on their rare frequencies discussing their impressions of her.

She couldn’t hear what they conveyed, but their signals seemed generally excited and positive, though wary.

And their shared energetic scent signatures underlying individual character roused the queen in her, causing her blood to quicken.

A younger female approached her early on, asking a polite and friendly question – and she was playfully responsive, dropping her guard while inclusive.

For the attractive males, however, their strong energy caused her leadership  instinct to kick in, making her walk around straight-legged with tail puffed, displaying that she was no submissive to be dismissed nor taken advantage of.

Phermones of dominance poured from her in waves as self protective response to their presence, and instead of allowing herself to feel intimidated, she found herself rising to the occasion.

Her body had never reacted this way before, so internally she was flustered where her normal behavior was to blend – yet her instinct had been to show her strength’s worth to gain their approval.

Alex (An Ideal)

Dear Alex,

Exerpt from removed reference to signs and omens:

“And as I stop to investigate the room inside, it feels closer to my world now than it’s ever been – as if crowding full to burst out of me.

And I sense traces of you all over the scene, as if you’ve been there recently.

And the room is no longer dark and isolated, like in once deep, catacombed caverns.

It is a room with a window, and there is sunlight gently streaming.

And as I ask myself who it could be, I find myself breaking down crying.

All I can say clearly is that this man who has been walking along beside me, caring for me through everything, is a Master of Dreams.”

Reclamation

Jasmine Tea

I think I’ve avoided drinking it
Although bought tin canisters

Because one I once loved
Claimed it as his favorite

I remember at our beginning
Motorcycle rides to freedom

Flying like hawks in the wind
Naturally gliding glued to him

Perfection’s bliss in our kiss and
Hope’s rebirth in a life together

But innocence fades quickly
When fear grabs and blinds

One who once gave trust
Leaving the other behind

Forever alone in shadows
Clinging to lost memories

Yet this flowered cloying tea
Gives happiness nonetheless

Even if initially I must address
Associations filled with regret

Holding a cup’s heat in hands
Sipping warm sense of home

As I try to define from past
What I can still call my own